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The Empath, Toxic, and Narcissistic Personalities of The Empath and the Narcissist: Who are they

Table of Contents
I. Acknowledgements

II. Legal Disclaimer

III. Introduction

IV. The Empath and the Narcissist: Who are They?

• The Empath

• The Narcissist

V. Dynamics of the Empathic – Narcissist Relationship

• Signs you are in a Narcissistic Relationship

VI. Ways to Handle the Traumatic Connection

• Effective Methods in Dealing with a Narcissist

• Psychological Exercises to Keep the Peace with the Narcissist

• Sustaining your Emotional Strength

• Leaving the Toxic Relationship for Good

VII. Conclusion

Introduction of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

It may seem like a classic love story – empathy and narcissist. You know who these types of people are. They show up in your television screens as pairings between the rich boyfriend and the quirky innocent girlfriend. Or it could be the characters from your book about the independent, strong-willed career woman and the nerdy new intern. However, the way the story is portrayed, this trope has long existed both in fiction, and more precariously, in our real lives.

If you’re an empath, then you might be able to relate to the said scenarios, while a narcissist doesn’t exactly know or acknowledge that he or she is the one. This is where the conflict arises. What was once a happy, loving relationship could turn out for the worse if there is abuse that happens in the long run. Emotional abuse leaves scars as much as any physical, sexual, and other more violent forms of abuse. Even if it is often too unseen, it is just as destructive and penetrable as anything else can be.

However, there are steps that you can take to change the patterns of your past into a life that is worth living in the present. You can have the power to take the steps needed in order to end this struggle to survive and to begin so that you can choose to thrive and feel alive for the first time in a very long time. This book will explore on the dynamics of the toxic relationship between an empath and a narcissist, as well as, steps that you can take to free yourself from an existing relationship such as this or to become more aware of the toxic behaviors you may exhibit and what to do to change that behavior. We hope that you will be enlightened to make choices that you can make today in order to live a life that is free and better in so many ways.

Chapter 1 The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they?

Let’s take a closer look at the empath and the narcissist. Let’s say you are an empath, and it is when your friends are happy, and you are filled with delight too. When your daughter gets scolded by her teacher in front of her classmates during the class, you deeply feel for her feelings of shame, helplessness, and anger. When you walk into a party or any gathering with a crowd of people, you may have the immediate sense to check in with the vibe of the whole room – whether it’s cheerful, subdued, or even threatening. Your friends run to you to seek out your comfort and listening ear. You feel that you have a sense of responsibility for other people’s problems that aren’t yours, to begin with. You are intuitive, loving, sensitive, and trusting. You are very much willing to sacrifice yourself for the sake of restoring peace and you try to avoid conflicts as much as you can.

On the other hand, let’s take a look at your partner. She feels for all her own emotions but she doesn’t seem to care about the feelings of other people. Whenever you try to correct her or you tell her that she has hurt you, she goes in full defense mode and denies it or twists the facts to blame back on you. She always has criticisms for the tiniest things – the way you cook, the way you snore, and to the bigger things like your friends and family, your job, etc. In every conversation and argument, she always wants to be the right one. When you’re the most vulnerable and she’s super stressed out, she becomes unremittingly cruel.

Now if this is the case, you might be wondering – what drew you closer to each other in the first place? Let’s go back and rewind to the time when you have just met your partner. When you first met her, she was very charming, confident, decisive, very vocal, and showy about wanting you. She showered you with gifts, compliments, and big displays of adoration. Also, she felt connected to you because she viewed you as a very agreeable, loving, and devoted person. You are quick to empathize with her and listen to all of her problems, and you hold no reservations in giving him the understanding and compassion she needs. With this classic pairing, it’s no wonder you think that you are made for each other.

Then the days, weeks, months, years go by. You begin to notice slight switches in her that you have never seen before. She begins to manipulate situations to cast the blame on you. This usually happens when you protest to her being a bit critical, mean, or just slightly overbearing. But while this is happening, you are also convinced that you can make things right and fix her. You think to yourself, “sure”, she has flaws but who doesn’t?” In effect, you overdo your love, loyalty, compassion, forgiveness, and support. In the long run, you find yourself doing all the compromising and self-improvement needed to keep the relationship alive and to continually please and make your partner happy.

Over time, you begin to feel like you’re giving too much of your power and yourself away to your partner, and she’s taking it. This abusive dynamic makes you downright depressed and anxious. You’re then filled with self-doubt, confusion, shame, and loneliness. You know it’s time to leave but how exactly are you going to do it?

***The Empath* *of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they***

What is an empath? These people have an extremely reactive neurological system – so much reactive that they absorb all the energies of people and their surroundings, whether it’s positive or negative. They are super responders that seem to lack the same filter that other people do have when it comes to blocking out stimulation. While the degree of this sensitivity varies, research tells us that high sensitivity affects about 20% of the population. As children and even as adults, empaths have shown to be shamed rather than being supported for not “developing a thicker skin”. This results in a feeling of chronic exhaustion and they want to retreat from the world that has become so overwhelming.

However, empaths are also praised for being such good partners, friends, colleagues, sons, daughters, or parents. They can share the joys of others, as well as, their sorrows. They can hear what others don’t say in words. They are quite opposite of how today’s over-intellectualized society responds and functions most of the time. Some of their traits include a low threshold for stimulation, the need to have alone time, sensitivity to light, sound, or smell, and an aversion to large groups. It takes highly sensitive people a much longer time to wind down after a busy day because their system’s ability to transition from high stimulation to quiet and calm is much slower. They also have a shared loved of nature and quiet environments.

There are different types of empaths. One such example is a physical empath. These are the type of people who are attuned to other’s physical symptoms and they tend to absorb them into your body. They can also become energized by someone’s sense of well-being. Emotional empaths are those, who can easily pick up other’s emotions and can become a sponge for their feelings, whether it may be happiness or sadness. Intuitive empaths experience extraordinary perceptions that may include messages in dreams, telepathy, or heightened intuition. An empath may also be one or more of any of these types.

How does one become an empath in the first place? Well, it may be due to several factors. As babies, they may be more responsive to light, touch, smells, temperature, movement, and sound. These children may also come from parents who are highly sensitive empathic themselves. Parenting may also play a major role. Another reason could be increased dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that is associated with the pleasure response. Research tells us that those introverted empaths tend to have a higher sensitivity to dopamine than extroverts. This means that introverts need less dopamine to feel happy, which is why they are perfectly fine having their alone time, reading, or meditating by themselves.

***The Narcissist* *of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they***

Now let us take a look at the other end of the spectrum. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a real diagnosis that pertains to persons with a grandiose sense of self-importance, a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited power, success, brilliance, ideal love, or beauty, a belief that he or she is unique and special can only be understood by other special or high-status people, a need for excessive admiration, a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Some people barely reach the criteria needed to be diagnosed as NPD, but they also seem to fit and appear quite narcissistic. These people can be just as troubled and just as destructive to themselves and those around them. In fact, narcissism exists in a spectrum and comes in many shades and degrees of severity along this continuum. From a psychological viewpoint, the traits boil down to two: an inflated sense of self-importance and lack of empathy for other people, and the rest of the features are by-products that naturally follow from them.

A person with a grandiose sense of self would most likely believe herself to be unique, special, and part of the superior elite who are destined for greatness. She will feel entitled to receive special treatment and therefore would come across as arrogant or haughty and will expect others to constantly admire her. This is the kind of person who will readily exploit other people for her gain or to envy them for the personal reason that they possess what she wants.

Up until recent years, it was believed that people with narcissistic tendencies only show up in 1% of the total population, and most of them being men. But many people have learned to disguise their socially unacceptable traits to control the impression they make and to better manipulate others. On a casual level, they can appear quite charming. So unless you know them very well, you might never realize that you are actually dealing with an extreme narcissist. In our lives, we meet these kinds of people regularly. It might be your colleague at work, your boss, or even your sister.

Though not lacking entirely of empathy, they are self-centered or pre-occupied with their own self-image, making them fairly insensitive to the feelings of others. They are often jealous or envious and may dominate the conversation at dinner parties and make themselves the center of attention in large groups. They often show limited interest in other people and will not usually recognize when they have already hurt someone’s feelings. They manipulate relationships and leave the rest of us ill-equipped to handle them we simply do not understand what makes them behave in the most destructive ways that they often do.

***The Toxic Relationship* *of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they***

Now that we have discussed the differences between an empath and a narcissist, we now move on to discuss by hoping that an empath and a narcissist can easily fit into each other’s lives.

We’re often told that opposites attract, and this might be the crux behind the toxic relationship between an empath and a narcissist. However, they might be drawn together for all the wrong reasons. For example, narcissists are most attracted to people from whom they will get the greatest use. Meanwhile, empaths are emotional sponges who are able to absorb feelings from other people very easily. Because of this, they are deemed very attractive to narcissists because they see someone who will fulfill their every need in a most selfless way. Empaths have a lot of compassion and understanding to give, while narcissists thrive on someone worshipping them. In the end, while the narcissists create more and more chaos into their relationship, the empaths end up being completely used and degraded.

But why would empaths even be attracted to narcissists in the first place? Mainly, it is about a false sense of oneself. These are the kind of people who present themselves as intelligent and charming, perhaps even giving, but when you don’t do things their way, they suddenly become cold, punishing, and withholding. When a narcissist is trying to hook people in, they put on a mask that appears to be attentive and loving. This is when the empath sees only the good qualities and believes that the relationship will make them look good.

Over time, the mask begins to fall off, and while true colors may take a while to show, and this goes against an empath’s instinct which believes that they can fix people and heal them with compassion. It will become very hard for them to believe that someone just doesn’t have empathy and these people cannot be healed with all the love they are willing to give. While they work for harmony, narcissists do just the exact opposite. They enjoy chaos and they like to pull people’s strings. They use manipulation by integrating compliments and kindness into their behavior, making their victim believe that if they behave in a certain correct manner, they will get the loving person that they once knew. This is one of the weaknesses of an empath – they tend to understand that everyone is human, everyone has flaws, so they are more than willing to extend patience with someone else’s personal growth. They will be very long-suffering and may have times where they admit fault, but in actuality, they rarely follow through or believe it. This is a tactic that most narcissists employ and it can be very effective for empaths just because they want to support and help them grow. In the end, they are just being exploited further.

Chapter 2 – Dynamics of the Empathic – Narcissist Relationship

Signs you are in a Narcissistic Relationship

Being in a relationship with a narcissistic person is not a pleasant experience. The negative impact it has on you can ripple through all areas of your life – from your ability to focus at work all the way through to affecting your emotional and physical health. Let’s now take a closer look at what it is like to live and/or be in a relationship with a narcissist.

A narcissist is looking for a partner to complete himself. Have you ever noticed that you want, needs, life goals, and desires take a back seat to his expressed interest? Any kind of intimacy with this type of person is relatively impossible since his emotional life seems so buried deeply that he has disconnected from his feelings. Have you ever noticed that over time you might have lost touch with your feelings because you have become so fixated upon the needs and wants of the narcissist in your mindset? Have you become aware that some things about you have also changed simply because he wants you to dress in a certain way, to act differently and to do certain things you are uncomfortable doing, or to even participate in particular degrading sexual acts? Have you ever found that as time goes by, your self-esteem and self-respect have eroded until you finally find yourself neglecting your own emotional, physical, mental, and emotional needs? Have you ever felt drained of all energy and personal resources, with self-worth that’s plummeting? Have you ever felt ashamed for asking to have your own needs met, since these always take a back seat to his? Has jealousy ever been expressed for the time that you spend with your family and friends or colleagues? Has any attempt to compromise left you feeling like you’re the only one who ever gave anything? Have you been expected to feel responsible for nearly all decisions, and where beating at his or her own game is not possible because the other person is simply over and highly competitive? Have you ever recalled not expecting any compassion from them, or even caring for you when you are sick, injured, or hurt only because their primary concern in getting you well is so that you can return to fueling their supply? If you say yes to most, if not all of these questions, then you are in a toxic relationship with a narcissist.

People who live with this type of person often describe how their personal feelings of self-esteem and self-worth are slowly being eroded. And so at this point, you might be asking yourself now, “What does this all mean for those of us who are in a relationship with a person who has a narcissistic personality?”

The first thing you have to do is to look at where the narcissistic person is coming from. Understanding what makes him or her thick, and why he or she has come to point where he uses manipulation to his advantage. Despite having a strong personality, narcissists are actually very vulnerable. What the project is a protective armor that has resulted from years of denial. A study has shown that there is a significant correlation between narcissism and codependency. Narcissists often share codependent symptoms of denial, control, shame, unconscious dependency, and/or dysfunctional communication and boundaries - which all lead to intimacy problems. In order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile sense of self, they orient their thinking and behavior towards others. Their deprivation of real nurturing at such an early age makes them dependent on others for validation simply because they only admire themselves as reflected in the eyes of other people. But despite their self-admiration, they tend to crave more of this from other people. This inflated self-opinion is commonly mistaken for self-love.

While narcissists don’t usually put the needs of others first, some are actually people-pleasers and will, in fact, be very generous. However, they may feel exploited by and resentful of the people they help, but continue to do so nonetheless. This is because it feeds their ego that they are able to afford such aid to others who are considered inferior. Giving and pleasing also secures the attachment of those they love. They are often uncertain of their boundaries with other people because they were not respected while growing up. Thus, they see others as extensions of themselves and as a means to feed their insatiable need for attention and confirmation of their importance. They hide behind a façade of aloofness and needlessness and seek power in whatever form in order to protect themselves from experiencing humiliation from appearing weak, sad, afraid, or wanting or needing anyone. They did not choose to be that way; in fact, studies have shown that their natural development was arrested due to insufficient maternal nurturing or from an early caregiver. Because of this, they lacked modeling thereby stunting their emotional capacity to empathize.

Chapter 3 – Ways to Handle the Traumatic Connection

Effective Methods in Dealing with a Narcissist

You may likely reach this point because you are looking for information and answers simply because you’ve benefitted through the pain of being in a narcissistic toxic relationship, and you feel that your own needs are not being met. You may feel hopeless and powerless to make certain changes, yet you are not ready to leave for certain reasons. This may include financial reasons or because of the needs of the children, and maybe even love. You may simply be looking for help in changing your partner. But the harsh reality is that people only make changes when they are sufficiently motivated to do so. However, if you are motivated to make changes yourself, it may have a positive impact on your partner and on your relationship overall. You will have to keep in mind that you will be the one initiating change, but that doesn’t mean that your partner won’t be changing. Once you start making changes and are consistent about it, then there might be a probability that he or she will change as a result. The relationship may improve but if it doesn’t, know that you will become more empowered to enjoy your life whether you stay or you leave. You will need to be self-aware of the following things before following through:

• Changing habits and beliefs takes a lot of self-awareness, practice, time, and most of all, motivation. Even an empath or a non-narcissist can have trouble accepting responsibility to acknowledge and change his or her behavior and beliefs.

• Narcissists are more likely to change behavior only when it benefits them. Not all of them can learn to empathize despite intervention. If the narcissistic qualities are mild, then there is much better progress with change.

• If there is physical abuse involved, then it’s very important to protect yourself and your children, and seek counseling as soon as possible.

• Remember that people are more motivated to change when they believe that they have something to lose by not changing and something to gain by changing.

Psychological Exercises to Keep the Peace with the Narcissist

• Using Visual Techniques of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

There are two different ways in which you can use visual techniques whenever a narcissist is starting to make you feel bad. Because these kinds of people are in many ways stuck in an age that is typically associated with children between the ages of 6 and 12, try using a visual technique that corresponds within than age range. What you need to do is to avoid visualizing and treating them as an adult, but rather as someone being emotionally stuck in between the ages of 6 and 12. When talking to them, try to visualize the adult narcissist as 2 feet shorter. This will help you cope when they are feeling superior, un-empathetic, or exploitative. By visually cutting them down to size, your anxiety level can also decrease when dealing with them.

The second visual technique is to picture them as tiny men and women who live inside a snow globe. Because they tend to live in their own reality, picture him or her clamoring at the tiny walls of this snow globe whenever the narcissist is humiliating you, getting defensive, or making up ridiculous lies. Pretend that you need to strain to hear what he or she is saying from behind her walls.

Even if these mental visualization tricks don’t work for you, the simple act of mentally distracting yourself in these heated moments can help prevent you from emotionally engaging with the narcissist. You cannot emotionally engage with them as you would with a normal person simply because they are highly abnormal in their beliefs and expectations about themselves and to those around them. Mourn the loss that you will never get what you want emotionally from the narcissist.

• Do not argue with a narcissist of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

Challenging them about their behavior and really holding them accountable only serves to fuel and make them more excited. They enjoy unsettling you, keeping things unpredictable, and never giving you empathy just because they want to keep you subjugated. If you can, keep your cool and just ignore the narcissist’s whims. Just like dealing with a toddler who has tantrums, leave him or her and they will cease to see you as less of a threat who will take advantage of them or them look bad. Some of them enjoy making other squirms. If that’s the case, try not to get visibly flustered or show annoyance, as this will only urge them to continue. There are also times when you should learn to speak up and tell them how they impact you. Be specific when doing so and consistent about what is acceptable and how you expect to be treated. However, be prepared for the fact they may not simply understand.

• Set clear boundaries of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

Narcissists often think that they are entitled to what they want, and even intrude through your personal space. Maybe they give you unsolicited advice and take credit for the things that you’ve done. They may even pressure to talk to you about private things in a public setting. They may have little sense of personal space, so they have a tendency to cross a lot of boundaries, and they may not often see them. This is why you have to be reasonably and abundantly clear about the boundaries that are important to you. Make sure that when you do, you are talking about real consequences and not just idle threats. Otherwise, they will not believe you next time. Once you do set the boundaries, they may come back with some demands of their own. They may also try to manipulate you into feeling guilty or believing that you are the one being controlled and becoming unreasonable. Just be prepared to stand your own ground. If they take a step backward, they will never take you seriously next time.

• Ask them, “What would people think?”

Narcissists are mainly about giving out an outward appearance of perfection. Use this to your advantage and turn the conversation around to make him or her focus on what would other people think or say. If they believe something will hurt their reputation, then they will think twice. If you have their ear, don’t just tell them how people might react, but instead, ask them by probing questions. This way, they are much more likely to act on ideas that they think they thought up themselves. They want to look good so emphasize on outside disappointment rather than anger in order to keep them in line. Help them look good by helping them to do actual good.

• Recognize when to move on The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

It is generally best to leave the relationship when any of the following happens:

• You feel manipulated and controlled

• You have been verbally and emotionally abused

• You have been physically abused or feel threatened

• You feel isolated

• The narcissistic person shows signs of mental illness or substance abuse but will not get help

• Your mental and/or physical health has been affected

If uttering ties with the narcissist in your life isn’t possible, be clear in your communication, put things into writing to protect yourself down the road, and expect that things will still be used against you. Then, foster healthy relationships with friends, family, and co-workers who can support you.

Sustaining your Emotional Strength of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

• Building your Self-Esteem of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

It is important that you feel worthy of being treated with respect, being happy and loved, or getting your needs and wants to be met. Before you change the rules with a narcissist, you must first feel entitled to your rights and the respect you deserve. As partners of narcissists and abusers gain more self-esteem, they inevitably reproach themselves for their past behavior. This self-judgment can only set you back and keeps you stuck in the past. Self-awareness is very important in this case. The real answer comes from understanding your triggers and healing the trauma as well as the beliefs formed in your childhood.

One of the ways to boost self- esteem is to pay attention to your inner talk. Write down all negative self-talk at the end of each day. Then support and calibrate yourself, and practice encouraging yourself with positive feedback throughout the day.

• Nurturing Yourself of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

Everyone has the same needs for love, play, encouragement, respect, understanding, empathy, acceptance, and comfort. While it’s most ideal to expect these things from your partner, it’s also your responsibility to meet these needs in other ways. Stop looking to your partner to provide what he or she can’t do or won't, and just do what is within your power in this step and the next to nurture yourself by other means. Even in the best relationships, self-love and self-nurturing are all included in our self-responsibility. Regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not, it is up to us to meet these emotional needs. The more you practice self-nurturing, the better your relationships will be as this is a healthy response to the acceptance of things you cannot change.

There are many aspects to self-care. Apart from getting healthy food, enough sleep, and exercise, you also need to allow yourself some leisure time that’s not goal-oriented and use this time for pursuing interests, hobbies, and socializing. You may also develop a spiritual practice to nurture yourself through prayer, spiritual reading, or meditation. Other forms of nurturing yourself can be a creative outlet such as cooking, painting, or dancing, among others. Through the enjoyment of senses, pleasure is enhanced. These activities may include listening to music, massage, looking at art, aromatherapy, or taking a walk through the park and taking in nature. You may also spend time with a beloved pet, taking a class that you enjoy, or just doing simple breathing exercises.

• Become Autonomous of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

Autonomy means you get to govern your own life and that you endorse your actions. Although there is still the influence of outside factors, your behavior should still reflect your choice. When you place value on yourself, you are more able to claim your autonomy. It enables you to feel separate when in a relationship and complete when you are on your own. The motivation comes from within you and you believe that your efforts generate the results that you desire. Both experience and belief allow you to function autonomously.

• Taking back Control of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

Through this journey of self-awareness, one of the biggest and most important takeaways is that you don’t need someone else’s approval in order to feel validated. Those with co-dependent tendencies have to constantly look towards others for self-validation. What is ironic is that if the people from whom they are seeking validation are narcissists themselves, they usually do not possess those qualities, unfortunately. The next step for you to take towards healing is learning to gain validation from yourself. If you were conditioned to doubt your positive qualities due to the constant devaluation from an important person in your life, you will come to instinctively question those qualities, regardless of what you know to be true. Instead, let your accomplishments whisper your validation. We often get so much caught up in what we are not that we forget what we are. Move into the light of independence, self-confidence, and out of the shadows of fear and self-doubt. You don’t need someone else to tell you that you are okay because you already know that you are. Become aware of who you are and learn to accept it. From this painful experience, you must learn to look within for your own validation, identity, and your self-worth. Make this same choice every single day as it may be the most important choice you will have to make in your life.

• Perform a self-inventory of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

Do you feel better about yourself just because you are with this person? Sometimes, we stay with a narcissistic lover only because it feels mad, and makes us special – not because of the things our partner say or do about us, but because of how others look at and think of him or her. People others admire look up to, and even envy can seem to glitter with power and status. This is called “guilt by association”, which is the feeling that admiration extends to us because we’re associated with them. But take an introspective look and ask yourself honestly is what you get from this relationship is worth what you have to give up. Ask yourself and consider if your self-esteem will be better if you were on your own, away from a critical or neglectful partner, even if there’s not much public stroking involved. But if you listen to yourself and hear that you are getting more out of this connection than not, then you might need to reinforce their positive behavior. Giving out generic compliments such as “you are awesome” does little to the narcissist, so instead, praise a specific behavior? Tell him or her how well she or he handled an awkward situation in order to reinforce that behavior and promote self-esteem if it is an issue. However, keep in mind that this does not apply to all kinds of narcissists. Identify if there is a bigger and more serious narcissistic tendency to your partner and act accordingly.

• Practice Mindfulness of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

Mindfulness practices can help empaths learn to recognize when they are beginning to feel angry and so they can shift their behaviors. But quite often, these shifts are more in line with behaving differently than with changing the feelings, but small behavior changes can make a big difference in helping a relationship flow smoothly. But some narcissists may react badly to being told they need to become more mindful, which is why it can be more useful to start a mindfulness practice on your own. When your new self-awareness helps you behave differently, you can then try to invite your partner to try it out with you.

• Be Realistic of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

Expecting people to behave better is reasonable, depending on the behavior that you’re asking them to change. Expecting them to change their personality is not only unreasonable but is also the reason why many relationships fall apart. In the case of a narcissistic partner, it is better to set your expectations and shift them around completely because it is possible that your partner simply cannot feel empathy in the way that you do. Understand that in many cases, narcissism is a real medical and mental concern that needs to be addressed professionally. Despite everything that you try to do and change about the other person, narcissism can be so deeply rooted in him or her that it takes a long time for you to see the change you want to see in him or her – possibly even never at all. Make yourself come to terms with this to save your own sanity and for you to reduce some anxieties and worries you may be harboring.

***Leaving the Toxic Relationship for Good* *of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they***

There comes a time when you realize that too much is too much. But even when this realization hits you and can potentially spill your freedom, you may find that it is never easy to leave. You may have ambivalent feelings about leaving because you still love your partner, have young children, lack resources, and/or enjoy lifestyle benefits. Family and friends who don’t realize or understand the real situation you are in may question why you choose to leave. On the other hand, others keep urging you to leave and simply do not understand that you have deeper reasons that keep you bonded unlike in other relationships. This can be very humiliating on your part.

As long as you are under their spell, the abuser has control over you. Empowerment comes from trying to educate yourself. Come out from your shell of denial to see reality for what it is. Also, keep in mind that a relationship doesn’t have to be romantic in order to be considered “toxic”. Many parent-children, friendships, boss-employee relationships can be classified as one too. If someone is consistently bringing you down, chances are your relationship with him/her is toxic. You can then follow these steps towards making the first few moves to separate yourself from the toxic relationship:

• Make and keep a log of emotions: Keep a record of things that make you feel bad, and this means those that make you feel consistently bad. The more you log these feelings, the more introspective you will become when you are doing self-awareness measures. In the long run, keeping notes and going back to these emotions later can help you to decide whether it is still worth staying or not. Make it as detailed as you can and write them down as often as you experience or feel these emotions.

• Fill the hole: Determine what you are getting specifically you are getting from this relationship. And once you’ve identified these things, try to find alternate sources of peace and wholeness. Remind yourself that you don’t need to rely on others for the job of trying to keep your peace of mind. You have the power to do that to yourself.

• Find support: Surround yourself with people who care and support you no matter what. This can be your family member, your friends, your book club group, or any kind of people that constantly feed positivity to you. You need the right kind of people – those who are working on their boundaries as hard as you are, who aren’t tangled in their fair share of toxic relationships and are, therefore, toxic themselves. The risk of getting sucked into or stuck in a toxic relationship for people who have toxic relationships is higher than 100 percent. So with this, be sure to be smart with who to hang out with.

• Heal the shame: Breaking free of toxic relationships needs constant assurance and work. Remember that it’s not your fault and that you don’t need to feel disappointed that you are in that situation in the first place. You are not stupid or less of a person for having been enamored completely into the life of a narcissist; but now you have the power to make choices that can help you heal. Be proud of yourself for being empowered enough to make bold choices and choose to make brave, bolder ones that put value in yourself from now on.

• Allow some rest: If you have already broken off the toxic relationship, try to avoid packing your day with so many activities. The energy alone that it takes to endure withdrawal from a toxic relationship is equivalent to working a full-time job. This may be the hardest work you have ever done. In addition to having support from people who understand your undertaking, you must also keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solitude.

• Set firm, meaningful boundaries: When you want to leave the narcissistic partner behind you, you will almost certainly find resistance on their part. They see your actions as a threat to their ego and an end to the supply that you provide them with. With this, expect them to worm their way back towards you and in your life one way or another. They will turn on their act once again and this may make it appear as if they have truly changed, that they are repentant and that you have shown them the way. None of these things are true, because the charm they put on and the pity they try to extract from you are just more and more mind games to mask what’s real and underneath. To combat this, you must set concrete boundaries that prevent the narcissist from being able to play these games in the first place. It makes it all difficult if you are still in love with him or her, but by putting some distance between you, you will govern your mind time to regain clarity and see things are they truly are. Ideally, any form of contact with the narcissistic partner needs to go full stop, but if there reasons that you have to maintain contact (such as children), then tell him or her to do it on your own terms. Set the time, place, and length of the contact and tell him or her that it will end at the first sight of belittling behavior, or derogatory remarks.

• Recognize your own limiting beliefs: Having a narcissist partner can truly mess with your head and the result is likely to be several limiting beliefs that you have about yourself, them, and your relationship. These beliefs may include believing that they truly love you deep down, that you are to blame for ending the relationship, which things can go back to how they were in the beginning, and that you can fix them and you have to stay and help. None of these are true; they are simply incapable of love, meaning your love can never prevail. Know that you are not to blame for this and that you can find greater happiness elsewhere. Things can never go back to how they were and stay that way because they have not seen any error in their ways. It is not your responsibility to fix them and they most certainly feel the same way about you.

• Be kind to yourself: An essential part of saying goodbye to the narcissist in your life is to be kind to yourself in the process. You may have been broken down repeatedly, but know that you are deserving of more. You have the strength that has been hidden in the shadows and all you have to do is to learn to summon it once again. It will take more time than it ever takes to move on from the breakdown of a healthy relationship. You will need to give yourself some leeway and know that hard time is ahead and that these will test your resolve. Thee narcissist may have also shattered the image you hold of yourself as he or she sees fit to their own purpose. So when you leave this person behind, what you see in the mirror could be very different from that which you saw before you met him or her. Make it a part of your healing to rediscover that it means to be completely you. There will be some additional scars inflicted by your ex-partner, but your inner self will eventually shine once again. This may take professional help, or it may be something you can achieve with the help of your loved ones, but picking up the fragments of your true self and putting them back together is important to avoid similar relationships in the future. Don’t be surprised that it will take some time to get back to your old self. The only real thing you can do is to take it one day at a time. If you can get just a little bit stronger each day, then it is already a victory over the narcissist. There will be inevitable setbacks but just keep pushing forward to maintain an upward trajectory. This is the only sure-fire way towards reaching yourself once more. Let the toxic partner or relationship teach you important lessons. Don’t let your dignity and power be diminished again. You can get through this. You are strong and you are capable of being loved once more. The past does not define nor foresee what you deserve in the future. Focus on healing yourself, your broken-down spirit, your tired heart, and all other things you need to get back up from. Once you make that important decision to step away from the toxic relationship, you will have already taken the first step towards healing.

Conclusion of The Empath and the Narcissist Who are they

One of the most important takeaways you can get from this book is the acceptance that knowledge is a process, regardless of whether it’s changed for the narcissistic partner or changed for yourself. With your own self, laying the groundwork for learning the language of assertiveness requires constant and vigilant practice. With trial and error, you will soon refine your communication. Boundary setting and autonomy also require courage for you to be able to fully pursue a complete change. Soon, your partner will be able to notice the transformation, and the dynamics of your toxic relationship will soon be changed. Initial resistance to preserve the status quo coming from you and your partner can eventually give ways to reforms if you can abide by this phase. Then at some point, you can insist on conjoint therapy in order to improve communication and cooperation with your partner. However, you will also need to understand that satisfaction in any relationship can only improve when both persons want to change. There are times when things get worse before they can get better. If your partner makes no changes, then you may decide if there are still aspects of your relationship worth saving, and if leaving may be the best thing to do instead. Nevertheless, keep in mind that all your efforts aren’t without any reward because you will have grown stronger and better in your life.

The choice is something that we take away from ourselves when we give power to the narcissists. May you take back and retain that power of choice. It is our hope that this book has taught you the power of choice as you continue in your journey of understanding and healing.

-- [Author Sunny Seow Hui Poh]

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