Audience benefits and the you view

Writing Improvement Exercises

To help you, the solutions to several problems are already provided. Be sure to type your answers at the indented points after each enumeration to avoid the problem of automated numbering.

AUDIENCE BENEFITS AND THE “YOU” VIEW

Revise the following sentences to emphasize the perspective of the audience and the“you” view.

1. To avoid suffering the kinds of monetary losses we have experienced in the past, our credit union prohibits the cashing of third-party checks presented by our members.

Our facility will be pleased to cash all properly executed checks other than third-party checks.

2. To help us process your order with our new database software, we need you to go to this Web site, www.databasefullfillment.com, and fill out the customer information required.

Please visit our website www.databasefullment.com to help us process your order.

3. We are pleased to announce an arrangement with H-P that allows us to offer discounted computers in the student bookstore.

4. Under a new policy, reimbursement of travel expenses will be restricted to those related to work only.

5. We are pleased to announce that you have been approved to enroll in our management trainee program.

6. I give my permission for you to attend the two-day workshop.

CONVERSATIONAL, PROFESSIONAL TONE

Revise the following to make the tone conversational yet professional.

7. Under separate cover the above-referenced items (printer toner and supplies) are being sent to your Oakdale office, as per your telephone conversation of April 1.

As you requested in your phone call of April 1, we are pleased to send you the printer toner and supplies directly to your Oakdale office.

8. Kindly inform the undersigned whether or not your representative will be making a visitation in the near future.

9. It is recommended that you conceptualize and submit your departmental budget ASAP.

10. BTW, we’ve had some slippage in the schedule but don’t have to scrap everything and start from step zero.

11. To facilitate ratification of this agreement, your negotiators urge that the membership respond in the affirmative.

POSITIVE AND COURTEOUS EXPRESSION

Revise the following statements to make them more positive.

12. Customers are ineligible for the 10 percent discount unless they show their membership cards.

Please show your membership card in order to receive your 10 percent discount.

13. Titan Insurance Company will not process any claim not accompanied by documented proof from a physician showing that the injuries were treated.

14. If you fail to comply with each requirement, you will not receive your $50 rebate.

15. We must withhold remuneration until you complete the job satisfactorily.

16. We can’t process your application because you neglected to insert your telephone number.

17. Construction cannot begin until the building plans are approved.

18. All employees must return their health care packets by November 1, or they will not be able to change any options.

INCLUSIVE LANGUAGE

Revise the following sentences to eliminate terms that are considered sexist or that suggest stereotypes.

19. Any applicant for the position of fireman must submit a medical report signed by his physician.

All applicants for the position of firefighter must submit a medical report signed by their physicians. OR Any applicant for the position of firefighter must submit a medical report signed by his or her physician.

20. Every employee is entitled to see his personnel file.

21. All waiters and waitresses are covered under our new benefits package.

22. A salesman would have to use all his skills to sell those condos.

23. All conference participants and their wives are invited to the banquet.

24. How many man hours are required to complete the project?

PLAIN ENGLISH AND FAMILIAR WORDS

Revise the following sentences to use plain English and familiar words.

25. Please ascertain whether we must perpetuate our current contract despite perplexing profits.

Please determine if we must keep our current contract despite uncertain profits.

26. He hypothesized that the vehicle was not operational because of a malfunctioning gasket.

27. Because we cannot monitor all cash payments, we must terminate the contract.

28. The contract stipulates that management must perpetuate the retirement plan.

29. I’ll interface with Mark to access his people.

30. Unilateral nullification of the terms and conditions of the expiring agreement absent bona fide impasse is prohibited.