Happiness now robert holden pdf

Praise for Loveability

“Robert Holden is the ideal example of Loveability. He certainly knows how to love and be loved. He loves everyone he knows, and we all love

him in return. He knows and understands what stands in the way of loving ourselves and others. And most importantly he knows and teaches how to dissolve these blocks. How could we not love him?”

—Louise Hay, author of Love Yourself, Heal Your Life Workbook

“Robert Holden is a teacher of incredible wisdom, integrity, and compassion. This beautiful book is a joyous reminder of the transformative power of love in the world.

I heartily recommend Loveability to all.”

— Dr. Brian Weiss, author of Only Love Is Real

“Loveability is an inspiring book that gently encourages readers to reflect upon their relationship to the nature and the power of love itself. Nothing could be more timely or more transformational.”

— Caroline Myss, New York Times best-selling author of Defy Gravity and Archetypes: Who Are You?

“Loveability teaches you how to undo the blocks that prevent you from having more love in all your relationships. I

wholeheartedly recommend this book.”

— Marci Shimoff, New York Times best-selling author of Love for No Reason

“I am a devoted Robert Holden fan and have fallen madly, deeply for his new book! It teaches us the most important thing we can do—give

and receive love. Robert will help you open your eyes so you can open your heart and create a life full of joy and love.

Everyone—and I do mean everyone—should read this life-uplifting book.”

— Kris Carr, New York Times best-selling author of Crazy Sexy Kitchen and Crazy Sexy Diet

“Robert Holden has written a beautiful treatise on love. Please give yourself this gift.”

—Cheryl Richardson, author of The Art of Extreme Self-Care

“It’s not easy to discuss love in a way that is not overly sentimental (or perceived as such). Robert Holden writes with a sense of humor, clarity,

and compassion about the depth of love we are all capable of, and in fact we all embody. This is a joyful, illuminating book to read.”

— Sharon Salzberg, author of Lovingkindness

“Robert Holden’s new book, Loveability, guides us to stop looking for love and accept our truth: that we are love. This book is a magnificent guide toward unlearning the fears that block us

from the presence of love within. I love this book!”

— Gabrielle Bernstein, author of Spirit Junkie and May Cause Miracles

“It is a pleasure to endorse your book. Congratulations! This is a great book; real love makes a difference in life.”

— Miguel Angel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements

“Loveability teaches you to listen to the voice of love in your heart. It helps you to forgive the past, to live in the

present, and to make love more important than fear.”

— Gerald Jampolsky, author of Love is Letting Go of Fear

“Loveability should be placed in every soul’s backpack before we come to this planet to help us remember what we have forgotten.”

— Chuck Spezzano, author of If It Hurts, It isn’t Love

“I am in awe of Robert Holden’s ability to translate the wisdom of love in such simple and relatable terms. Loveability

is a masterpiece of the heart and a must read for anyone seeking to be inspired to live a love-based life.”

— Mastin Kipp, CEO and founder of TheDailyLove.com

“Loveability beautifully escorts the reader into the very heart of what we seek most, which is to be loved. Poetic, grounding, honest, and raw, it lifts the veil of dark confusion and fear to reveal that we

can never be separated from the love we seek, because it is who we are. Its healing words will stay with you long after the last page.”

— Sonia Choquette, author of Traveling at the Speed of Love

“This book is a gem! It opened my heart wide, and it can profoundly transform your life as well. The author, Robert Holden, embodies Loveability; love pours out of every molecule of his body, and he has infused this book with the sweet energy of love. You can feel it radiate into your heart from every page. Highly recommended!”

— Denise Linn, author of The Soul Loves the Truth

“Robert Holden is one of the clearest, purest, and most poignant voices for love in our time. You will find no greater teaching than this book contains. If you are seeking love, you will find the key in these pages.

If you have found love, you will find more here. Drink these words, open, and discover the treasure offered to you, starting from within

http://TheDailyLove.com
your own heart. Living this message will change your life.”

— Alan Cohen, author of Rising in Love

Also by Robert Holden, Ph.D.

Books Happiness NOW!

Authentic Success (formerly titled Success Intelligence) Be Happy

Shift Happens!

CD Programs

Be Happy

Follow Your Joy

Happiness NOW!

Shift Happens!

Success Intelligence

Flip Calendars Happiness NOW!

Success NOW!

All of the above are available at your local bookstore, or may be ordered by visiting: Hay House USA: www.hayhouse.com®

Hay House Australia: www.hayhouse.com.au Hay House UK: www.hayhouse.co.uk

Hay House South Africa: www.hayhouse.co.za Hay House India: www.hayhouse.co.in

http://www.hayhouse.com
http://www.hayhouse.com.au
http://www.hayhouse.co.uk
http://www.hayhouse.co.za
http://www.hayhouse.co.in
Copyright © 2013 by Robert Holden

Published and distributed in the United States by: Hay House, Inc.: www.hayhouse.com® • Published and distributed in Australia by: Hay House Australia Pty. Ltd.: www.hayhouse.com.au • Published and distributed in the United Kingdom by: Hay House UK, Ltd.: www.hayhouse.co.uk • Published and distributed in the Republic of South Africa by: Hay House SA (Pty), Ltd.: www.hayhouse.co.za • Distributed in Canada by: Raincoast: www.raincoast.com • Published in India by: Hay House Publishers India: www.hayhouse.co.in

Cover design: Celia Fuller-Vels and Karla Baker • Interior design: Tricia Breidenthal

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a phonographic recording; nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, or otherwise be copied for public or private use—other than for “fair use” as brief quotations embodied in articles and reviews—without prior written permission of the publisher.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

“Late Fragment” from A New Path to the Waterfall, copyright © 1989 by the Estate of Raymond Carver. Used by permission of Grove/Atlantic, Inc. Any third party use of this material, outside of this publication, is prohibited.

“The Sun Never Says,” from The Gift, © 1999. Used by permission of Daniel Ladinsky.

“It Happens All the Time in Heaven,” from The Subject Tonight Is Love: 60 Wild and Sweet Poems of Hafiz, © 1996. Used by permission of Daniel Ladinsky.

“I Know the Way You Can Get,” from I Heard God Laughing, © 1996. Used by permission of Daniel Ladinsky.

“Only Love Can Explain Love,” from Teachings of Rumi, by Andrew Harvey, © 1999. Used by permission of the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Holden, Robert Loveability* : *love-a-bil-it-y/’luv[?]biliti/noun learning how to love and be loved / Robert Holden, Ph.D. — 1st edition.

pages cm On the title page “[?]” appears as the phonetic schwa (upside-down e) symbol. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-1-4019-4162-8 (hardcover : alk. paper) 1. Love. 2. Interpersonal relations. I. Title. BF575.L8H644 2013 152.4’1—dc23

http://www.hayhouse.com
http://www.hayhouse.com.au
http://www.hayhouse.co.uk
http://www.hayhouse.co.za
http://www.raincoast.com
http://www.hayhouse.co.in
2012043248 Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-4019-4162-8 Digital ISBN: 978-1-4019-4164-2

16 15 14 13 4 3 2 1

1st edition, March 2013 Printed in the United States of America

To Hollie, to Bo, to Christopher, and to everyone

“If you achieve the faintest glimmering of what love means today,

you have advanced in distance without measure and in time beyond the count of years

to your release.”

A Course in Miracles

Contents

Foreword by Marianne Williamson Introduction

PART I: LOVE IS YOUR DESTINY Chapter 1: Love Is Not a Word Chapter 2: Your Eternal Loveliness Chapter 3: Our Shared Purpose Chapter 4: Ground of Love Chapter 5: Live Your Love

PART II: LOVE IS WHO YOU ARE Chapter 6: Self-Love Monologue Chapter 7: Mirror Exercise Chapter 8: Childhood Messages Chapter 9: Your Love Story

PART III: LOVE HAS NO CONDITIONS Chapter 10: Is This Love? Chapter 11: I Love You Chapter 12: Show Your Love

PART IV: LOVE KNOWS NO FEAR Chapter 13: The Mirror Principle Chapter 14: Love and Fear Chapter 15: Love Does Not Hurt

PART V: LOVE IS THE ANSWER Chapter 16: Only Love Is Real Chapter 17: A Call for Love Chapter 18: The Presence of Love

Loveability Library Acknowledgments Endnotes About the Author The Loveability Program

Foreword

Of all the things there are to learn—philosophy and mathematics, poetry and law, all the arts and all the sciences—what could be more important than that we learn how to love? If humanity knew how to love more deeply, more fundamentally and universally, how different might our world be? Would there still be war? Would there still be violence? Would there still be such unnecessary suffering within and around us?

As sophisticated as we are in our understanding of some things, we’re often remedial in our ability to love. In a world where fear has a grip on human consciousness, it takes a conscious effort to take a stand against it. We yearn for love desperately, yet resist it fiercely.

Loveability is a guide to unlearning the ways of fear and choosing love instead. The task sounds simple, but it is rarely easy. Each of us has to face a lion’s den of fears that lurk in the cave of our own subconscious minds, whenever we make the effort to love. And that is why we read books like this one: to have something powerful to lean on, sentences and chapters to teach us, as we make our way past our own fears to the light of love on the other side.

Robert Holden has a way with words, and, more important, he has a way with people. You feel loved in his presence; he has clearly done the inner work of moving past his own defenses, making space in his heart for someone else’s love to enter. And when he does that—when any of us do that—miracles happen. Breakthroughs occur. Insights emerge. Fears dissolve. And that is the purpose and gift of this book: like a soft and gentle massage of the heart, it breaks through barriers to our ability to love and makes room for new life to enter. That’s how you’ll feel when you’ve completed Loveability. Much lighter . . . more loving . . . and happier, for sure.

Marianne Williamson

Introduction

Imagine this. One day, our children will learn about love at school. They will take classes in love and self-esteem,

explore the meaning of “I love you,” learn to listen to their hearts, and be encouraged to follow their joy. It will be normal for parents to help their children learn how to love and be loved. Adults won’t be content just to read romantic novels or watch rom-com movies; they will seek out friends and lovers who are interested in real love and who want to become more loving men and women.

One day, every society on our planet will honor and celebrate the importance of love. Politics without love will be a thing of the past. Leaders who demonstrate love-based values, like service and compassion, will be elected for their vision, their courage, and their strength of character. Economists will teach the world that money does not work without love. They will offer us love-based economic policies that eradicate poverty and hunger and help us to experience real abundance and freedom.

One day, all the great professions will include love in their training syllabi and core values. Medical doctors will treat their patients with love, and psychologists will teach their patients about love. Physicists will teach us that separation is an “optical delusion” and that oneness is reality. Biologists will teach us that the survival of the species depends on cooperation, not competition. Architects and lawyers will help us to build a society on love. And ecologists will show us how to love our planet more.

One day, the major religions will recognize a God of unconditional love, and they will stop teaching people to fear God. Never again will we go to war in the name of God. Theologians and philosophers, humanists and atheists, will set aside their differences for the sake of love, and they will teach us that love is stronger than fear, that only love is real, and that, ultimately, love is the key to our enlightenment and evolution. And all the while, the artists of the day will serenade us and entertain us with their plays of love.

Imagine that. That day is not here yet, I know. I believe it will come, though. Our world must evolve in the direction of

love if it is to have a future. Each of us is called to do something, in the name of love, to make sure that humanity comes to understand itself and is able to choose love over fear.

The word loveability might be new to you. You can’t find a definition for it in any standard dictionary. Not yet, anyway. Language is always evolving, as are we, and so one day you will find a dictionary that carries a definition for loveability. And if I am asked to help wordsmith the entry for loveability, I will recommend something simple like “the ability to love and be loved.”

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

Eden Ahbez

This book, Loveability, is a meditation on love. It addresses the most important thing you will ever learn. All the happiness, health, and abundance you experience in life comes directly from your ability to love and be loved. This ability is innate, not acquired. It does not need to be taught afresh, in the way you might learn some new algebra theory or memorize lines from Romeo and Juliet. It is a natural ability that is encoded in the essence of who you are. Any learning feels more like remembering something you have always known about.

Loveability is written in five parts. In Part I, Love Is Your Destiny, I encourage you to explore your relationship to love and what love means to

you. I ask you to consider that the goal of your life is not just to find love; it is to be love. Love is the real work of your life. It is your spiritual path. It is the key to your growth and evolution. I also assert that your destiny is not just to love one person; it is to love everyone. This is the real meaning of love. I think this is what John Lennon meant when he said:

It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love, it matters only that you love.

In Part II, Love Is Who You Are, I help you explore the basic drama within yourself that you play out in all your relationships. This basic drama is between your Unconditioned Self (the original you) and your learned self (your self-image). The basic truth is “I am loveable” and the basic fear is “I am not loveable.” Self-love is about knowing who you are. It is about identifying with love. Self-love is also about self-acceptance and giving up resistance to love. The bottom line is that real self-love is good for you, good for your family, good for your friends, and good for the planet.

“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”

David Viscott

In Part III, Love Has No Conditions, I share some exercises I teach in my three-day public program called Loveability. Some people think of love only as “loving others,” whereas others are mostly concerned with “being loved.” How about you? Of course, the art of loving must include being able to love and be loved. It is only when you allow yourself to give and receive love freely that you realize that love is not a trade; it is a way of being.

If love is so wonderful, why does it hurt so much? And if love is meant to be so natural, why is it so difficult? And if love is meant to be so powerful, why does it not last? In Part IV, Love Knows No Fear, I focus on some of the common blocks to love, such as expectations and rules, independence and sacrifice, and trying to change or control each other. I also introduce you to the True Love Checklist, which will help you to recognize love and also to cultivate more loving relationships in your life.

In Part V, Love Is the Answer, I propose that without forgiveness, you would not be able to realize your ability to love and be loved. Forgiveness is that aspect of love that enables you to make a basic choice between love or fear, love or pain, love or guilt, and so on. Here, I also assert that love is intelligent, and that love is our true power, and that if we apply enough love to any challenge, personal or collective, we will arrive at a positive solution. The greatest influence you can have in any situation is to be the presence of love.

To write Loveability, I have drawn on a lifetime of experiences and conversations with my parents, my brother, my friends, my wife, and, more recently, my two young children. Over the years, I have engaged in dialogues on love with philosophers, biologists, priests, business leaders, physicists, and mystics. I have also been most fortunate to have had personal mentors and teachers like Tom Carpenter, Chuck Spezzano, Russ Hudson, Louise Hay, and Marianne Williamson, to name a few.

As you read Loveability you will notice two other big sources of inspiration. First is my work with the Loveability three-day public program. I’ve been teaching this program for a few years now, as well as other courses like Love and the Enneagram and also Love and Fear (based on the teachings of A Course in Miracles). Second, I have included several stories and conversations from my private practice with individuals and couples (names have been changed throughout to respect confidentiality).

Most of all, writing Loveability was inspired by what I can best describe as a process of inner listening. Each time I sat at my desk to write, I’d begin with a few moments of stillness and then ask love to teach me about love. I did this with the full awareness that I wasn’t “talking” to something outside myself. This was an inner attunement. I share this so as to emphasize that loveability isn’t really learned from books, public programs, or counseling sessions (as helpful as that is); it’s learned by letting the love that is your true nature teach you how to love and be loved.

Robert Holden London

October 2012

PART I

Love Is Your Destiny

“I’m looking for love,” said Evelyne, as she moved around in her chair, trying to get comfortable. “How is it going?” I asked. “Not great,” she said. “How long have you been looking?” I asked. “About four years now,” she said, trying to smile. “But it feels like a lot longer than that.” “How much longer?” “Too long,” she sighed, her eyes flitting around my office. “That’s a long time to be searching for love.” “Yes.” “Evelyne, have you ever considered giving up the search?” “Oh, plenty of times,” she laughed. Conversations with Evelyne were full of jousting and play. She had a stoic sense of humor, which I enjoyed

very much, but I chose not to laugh with her this time. What we were talking about was too precious to run away from. So I fixed my eyes on Evelyne’s eyes and very deliberately asked her again, “Evelyne, have you ever thought about giving up the search?”

“What do you mean?” she asked. “The way I see it,” I said, “looking for love is blocking you from finding love.” “Say that again,” she said. “Looking for love is stopping you from finding love.” “So what do you suggest?” “Stop looking for love.” Evelyne normally had a fast answer for everything but not this time. She didn’t say a word. She went deep

inside herself. I waited for her. Waves of emotion began to break across the surface of her face. I could see her frustration, her anger, and, beneath that, a submerged sadness.

“Aren’t you tired of looking for love?” I asked. “Yes, of course,” said Evelyne, reaching for a tissue. “My invitation to you is to stop looking.” “What, and find a proper job?” she retorted, doing her best to inject some humor. “Just stop,” I said. “But then what?” This was only our second meeting, but I sensed in Evelyne a readiness to look at things in a new way. So I

told Evelyne that the way I saw it, her “looking for love” was an attempt to strike a deal with God. I said, “It’s like your ego has given God an ultimatum, which is ‘I’ll only start to live again once I find love,’ or, rather, ‘once YOU (God) find me love.’ And while this might sound reasonable to your ego, it isn’t how God works, and it isn’t how life works either. Looking for love isn’t how you find love.”

“So how do you find love?” asked Evelyne. “Well, first you have to recognize that you are what you’re looking for,” I said. Evelyne didn’t say anything, which was her way of saying, “Keep speaking.” “You are still looking for love because you don’t feel loveable,” I went on. “You’ve forgotten how loveable

you are, and it’s this forgetting that’s causing you to search for love and not find it.” “I don’t find me loveable,” said Evelyne softly. “Loveability starts with looking at yourself and finding love there,” I told her. Evelyne was sitting perfectly still in her chair. I could tell that she was testing what I had said against her

own logic. A verdict was imminent. In a few moments I would know if we could proceed or not. I could feel her resistance, but I could also see that her face had softened and that she looked younger, brighter, and clearer. Evelyne soon appeared from inside herself, flinging the doors of her mind wide open.

“All right, I’m going to stop looking for love,” she said, pausing ever so slightly. “But I still want to find love. So how do I do that?”

“Well, first you have to accept that you are made of love,” I explained. “This is important because like attracts like, and if you know that you are love, you’ll feel comfortable about attracting love into your life.”

“Okay, I’ll work on that,” she said. “But can you give me something more practical to do in the meantime?” “Yes,” I said. “But only if you promise not to overlook what I just said.” “Okay, okay,” she replied, widening her eyes at me in an effort to move our conversation along. “The way to find love is to be a more loving person,” I said. “I am a loving person,” she protested. “I’m asking you to be a more loving person,” I replied. “How do I do that?” “Start by loving everyone more.” “Everyone!” she exclaimed. “Everyone.” “Are you sure?” “I’m not asking you to date everyone,” I said. “Good.” “Loving everyone is true love,” I explained. “It’s also the key to being able to love someone.” “So how do I start loving everyone?” Evelyne asked. “Step one is to offer a little willingness,” I said. “Okay, I can do that. And what is step two?” “Step two is being open to let LOVE show you how to love everyone. LOVE, which is what you are made

of, will show you the way, if you let it.” Looking for love is hell. Everyone’s been there. We’ve all done it. It’s a mind-set you identify with when you

forget who you are and what love is. It’s what you do when you experience the fall from grace and you fear that love has abandoned you. In this hell, you search for love outside of yourself. The searching leads you to believe that you exist outside of love. You act as if you and love are two separate things. You think the purpose of the world is to find love, and then, once you find it, not to lose it again.

Looking for love is frightening. That’s because it’s a strategy used to conceal a most terrible fear you would rather not look at: the fear that “I am not loveable.” I refer to this fear as the basic fear because we all experience it and also because it gives rise to every other fear. This fear is not real but you don’t know that if you’re too scared to look at it. So, you decide to leave yourself alone, and you start looking for someone who will find you loveable. This is just as scary, though. Where will you find this person? Are they still available? What if they are gay—or not gay? Do they even exist? Okay, maybe they do exist, but what are the chances of them loving you if you don’t love you?

Looking for love is painful. You are looking for love because you have judged yourself to be unloveable. Until you change your mind about yourself, your only hope is to find someone who will overturn this judgment. So you try to create a pleasing image that hides the pain of feeling unloveable. This image knows how to be seductive, to attract attention, and to win admiration, but because it is not the real you, it does not attract real love. Therefore, you keep on looking, but because you won’t change your mind about yourself, all you find is your own lovelessness.

It’s difficult to believe in love when you are looking for love. The more you keep looking, the more

unloveable you feel. Because you don’t believe you are loveable, you can’t believe it’s possible for someone to love you. Eventually, you begin to doubt if love even exists. This is the worst pain of all. To believe that and to keep on living is impossible. Now you are just a shadow of yourself. You have reached a dead end. Looking for love hasn’t worked. So now it’s time to try something else. And that’s a good thing.

Those that go searching for love only make manifest their own lovelessness,

and the loveless never find love, only the loving find love,

and they never have to seek for it. D. H. Lawrence1

The way out of hell is not to seek for love but to see how you are blocking love. You begin by examining what is causing you to seek for love in the first place. First, you must cast off all the loveless images of yourself that you have made. Looking for love, in its truest sense, isn’t about finding someone else; it’s about finding yourself again. You also have to be willing to drop your theories about love, to empty your mind of learned ideas, to let go of old stories, and—as William Blake put it—to “cleanse the doors of perception” so as to let love appear as it really is.2

“To find the beloved, you must become the beloved.”

Rumi

Love is an inner journey home. The way to get there is to start here, right where you are now. The goal of this journey is not to find love; it is to know love. This knowledge exists in you already. I call this knowledge loveability.

Chapter 1

Love Is Not a Word

“I want to learn how to write,” said Bo, my four-year-old daughter, as she burst into my office at the top of our house, waving a crumpled bit of paper and a pink crayon over her head.

“Wonderful,” I said. “I want to learn now,” she pleaded. “Okay, then,” I said, turning away from my computer so as to give her my full attention. “How shall we start?” she asked, crayon at the ready, hovering over the paper, which already had a drawing

of a rainbow on it. “Well, what’s the first word you would like to write?” “Love,” said Bo, most emphatically. “Let’s begin,” I said. I guided Bo’s hand across the paper as we made an L and an O and a V and an E. Once finished, we took a

moment to admire our work. “That’s love,” I said. “Really?” asked Bo, who was now on her feet. “Yes,” I said. “I just wrote my first word!” shouted Bo as she jumped up and down. “Congratulations!” I shouted back. Bo carried on being super-excited for a few moments, and then she stopped to look again at the L, the O, the

V, and the E. “That’s not really love, is it, Daddy?” she asked, looking directly into my eyes. “Yes, it is,” I assured her. “No, Daddy, it’s not.” “Why not?” I asked. “Love is not a word,” she said.

There are 6,909 languages on planet Earth.1 I imagine that’s more than most people would guess. Very few countries have only one language. Papua New Guinea, for instance, has 832 languages. Some languages are more popular than others. Nearly one billion people speak Mandarin. Several languages are spoken by only a handful of people. Recently, the Bo language (not a reference to my daughter!) died out when an 85-year-old member of the Bo tribe in the Indian-owned Andaman islands died.2 All these languages have a word, a character, or a sound for love, and some have many. We all talk about love, and think about love, and yet to understand love we must remember that love is not a word.

As I write this book, my daughter Bo has just turned five years old, and my son Christopher is 16 months old, and they both love to play with words. Bo’s vocabulary is growing rapidly. I especially enjoy how she inserts words like actually and splendid into her speech. Christopher has just begun to speak his first words. Garden and spider are popular right now. His favorite word is boer. My wife, Hollie, and I have no idea what boer means. We aren’t even sure if boer is the correct spelling. If we had to guess, we’d say that boer is Christopher’s word for everything that isn’t a gar-den or a spi-der.

So what is a word? A word is nothing by itself. It’s just a symbol. That’s all. It doesn’t define love; it just tells us that we are speaking of love. Love is a name for something that is more than just a word. To be on proper

speaking terms with love, you must remember this. The problem with talking about “love” with words is that words reduce love to an it, a thing or an object; but real love is not a noun (to find, to have, or to keep). Words also create too much distance between love and you. They make it sound like love is one thing and you are another. No matter which language you speak, something is lost in translation when you rely on words to define love.

“What do you know of Love except the name?” asked Jelaluddin Rumi, the 13th-century Persian poet.3 Rumi was a gifted wordsmith who wrote as many words on love as anyone who ever lived. Yet even Rumi realized that love couldn’t be fully explained with words. In his magnum opus, Mathnawi, which contains over 51,000 verses of poetry, Rumi told us: Whatever I say to explain or describe Love When I arrive at Love itself, I’m ashamed of my words. The commentary of words can make things clear— But Love without words has more clarity. My pen was rushing to write its thoughts down; When it came to Love, it broke in two. In speaking of Love, the intellect is impotent, Like a donkey trapped in a bog: Only Love itself can explain Love, Only Love can explain the destiny of lovers. The proof of the sun is the sun itself: If you want proof, don’t turn your face away.4

To know love, you must first accept that love cannot be defined. No amount of words can define love, because love is not just a name. The intellect can’t define love, because the intellect deals with ideas, and love is not just an idea. No one person holds the copyright on love, because love is bigger than all humanity. Religion cannot define love, because love is too spiritual for any one religion. Science cannot define love either, because the essence of love cannot be trapped in test tubes and split apart in particle accelerators.

But keep faith! Just because love cannot be defined, it doesn’t mean that you can’t get to know love. It’s worth remembering that many of the most interesting things in life cannot be defined. Their indefinable quality is part of their wonder and majesty. Psychologists aren’t able to define the psyche, and yet we keep on exploring the mind. Priests who worship God accept that, in truth, there is no name for God. Physicists now recognize that the universe is made up of energy, but they can’t define what energy is. “It is important to realize that in physics today, we have no knowledge what energy is,” said Richard Feynman, winner of the Nobel Prize for Physics.5

“Love wishes to be known, completely understood and shared. It has no secrets, nothing that it would keep apart and hide.”

A Course in Miracles

Some people have said that love cannot be defined because love is coy, and mysterious, and elusive, and it likes to play tricks with us. From these descriptions it is clear to me that love has been endowed with the qualities of a man or woman who is rejecting sexual and romantic advances. This is another case of projection closing the doors of perception. My personal experience is that love can be known, just not defined. Love is available to everyone, without exception. Love has already been given to us; now all we have to do is give ourselves to love.

I like to think of the word love as a door. If you only look at the door, all you get is an idea about what love is; but if you are willing to move closer to the door, to open it, and to walk on through, you get to have an experience of what love is. To be intimate with love, you have to move beyond words, leave behind self- concepts, empty your mind of learned ideas, stop being so religious, and let yourself dissolve into love. Now we are really getting somewhere. Now, at last, we can stop trying to define love, and we can let love define us.

When I began my inquiry into love, I thought I had to define it before I could think about it! But my attempts to define love came to nothing. No arrangement of words or ideas could capture the whole truth. When I couldn’t define love, I was tempted to stop my inquiry. There’s no point studying something you can’t define, I thought. Despite my frustration, I stuck with my inquiry because I understood somehow that, even though love can’t be defined, the heart knows what love is. Love cannot be defined, but it can be recognized. And so I’d say to myself, “I want to know about love,” and then I’d pay attention. And keep on paying attention. That’s all that any of us have to do. And when we do this, we make a joyful discovery, which is that love will teach us what love is.

“Let your teacher be Love itself.”

Rumi6

Chapter 2

Your Eternal Loveliness

Why are babies so loveable? And what does this teach us about love and our own true nature? Babies hold our attention like nothing else. We gaze into their eyes, we watch their every move, we snap

countless photos, and we study them while they sleep. When I first met my daughter, Bo, I held her in my arms, and we peered into each other’s eyes for what felt like forever. When I welcomed my son, Christopher, into the world, I was transfixed by his presence, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I’ve always found babies, not just my own, to be wondrous and fascinating, and I know I’m not alone in this. So what is it we are seeing when we look at a baby?

Babies are generally short, chubby, and toothless, without much hair, and they leak a lot at both ends. Every baby looks perfect, even ones with missing stomachs, chromosomal abnormalities, and crippled limbs. Is this because their nostrils are often heart-shaped? When you really pay attention to babies, you notice that their bodies are still in soft focus. They are barely physical. The soul dances lightly across the body. They are pure energy. They are a vibration of love. They are a lively flame that is not weary, or tired, or confounded.1

When you pay attention to a baby, you notice how naked he or she is. Babies haven’t put anything on themselves yet. They have no masks, no personas, no armor, and no dark glasses. They are still wearing what Zen Buddhists call the Original Face.2 They aren’t putting on a face for the world to see. What you are witnessing is their true nature. They aren’t trying to be someone, to be nice, to look good, or to be interesting. There are no pretenses. There is no deceit. There is no attempt to create a pleasing image. They aren’t trying to be loveable; they just are.

Babies are still close to the Unconditioned Self, which is the name I give for our true self. They haven’t yet learned to identify with gender. They don’t know if they are American or Chinese. They don’t care if they are black or white. They aren’t interested in what religion their parents follow. They haven’t had time yet to make up a story to tell about how elusive love is, or how difficult love is, or how worthy or unworthy they are of love. They don’t judge themselves. They carry no grievances. They are not cynical yet. Have you ever met a cynical baby?

Babies embody the basic truth about us, which is that we are all loveable. When you look at a baby, you can see what St. Francis of Assisi called our eternal loveliness. You see this eternal loveliness because you are looking with your heart, not just your physical eyes. At the same time, babies mirror your own eternal loveliness back to you. They show you your original face. Their eternal loveliness is a reflection of your Unconditioned Self. St. Francis of Assisi taught us that everyone is an expression of God’s eternal loveliness. Moreover, he recognized that every animal, every plant, and every form of life is an expression of love.

God extended himself in love, and we are all expressions of this love. This is the Original Blessing we share with each other.3 There are no exceptions to this. None. The basic truth about you is “I am loveable.” Everybody’s basic truth is “I am loveable.” This is true whether you remember or forget it. It is also true whether you believe it or not. Our Unconditioned Self is a consciousness of love that extends from the heart of God into the body of all creation. The word love and the word God are both pointing toward the same thing. They are both pointing at each of us.

The Original Blessing cannot be undone. Your eternal loveliness has no end. “You were created to be completely loved and completely loveable for your whole life,” says Deepak Chopra in The Path to Love.4 This is all true. However, as the baby grows and takes on the conditioning of this world, it is possible to forget about

love. A learned self takes the place of the Unconditioned Self. This learned self is just a shadow; it is not real. However, when you identify with this learned self, you forget the basic truth “I am loveable.” In this forgetting, the basic fear “I am not loveable” takes hold. And so, as Galway Kinnell wrote in his poem Saint Francis and the Sow, “sometimes it is necessary to reteach a thing its loveliness.”5

“Love is our highest word and the synonym for God.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

You are made of love, and this is the key to knowing how to love and be loved. Your purpose is to be an instrument of this love. It is to extend this love through all your relationships with parents, siblings, friends, lovers, children, strangers, enemies, and the world over. How do you do this? You start by identifying with love. Love is your original energy. It is the heart of who you are. It is the natural expression of your Unconditioned Self and your eternal loveliness. When you remember this, you realize that, in truth, you already know how to love and be loved.

Identify with love, and you are safe. Identify with love, and you are home. Identify with love,