How did gary smalley die

The BLESSING

GIVING THE GIFT of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE

John Trent, PhD

and Gary Smalley

© 1986 Gary Smalley and John Trent

© 1993, 2011 John Trent and Gary Smalley

Revised and Updated by John Trent, PhD

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail

SpecialMarkets@ThomasNelson.com. Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the New King James Version®. © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted KJV are from the King James Version.

Scripture quotations noted NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, © The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977. Used by permission.

Scripture quotation attributed to the “J. B. Phillips translation” is from J. B. Phillips: The New Testament in Modern English, Revised Edition. © J. B. Phillips 1958, 1960, 1972. Used by permission of Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc.

Names have been changed to protect the identities of people referred to in this book.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Trent, John, 1952– The blessing : giving the gift of unconditional love and acceptance / John Trent and Gary Smalley. — Rev. and updated by John Trent.

p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-0-8499-4637-0 (trade paper) 1. Families—Religious life. 2. Child rearing—Religious aspects—Christianity. 3. Blessing and cursing. I. Smalley, Gary. II. Title. BV4526.3.T74 2011

248.8'45—dc22 2011004971

Printed in the United States of America

11 12 13 14 15 RRD 5 4 3 2 1

To Cindy Trent and Norma Smalley, who are blessings from God

Contents

Acknowledgments 1. To Change a Life

PART 1: WHY IS THE BLESSING SO IMPORTANT? 2. The Lifelong Search for the Blessing 3. “Bless Me—Me Also, O My Father!” 4. A Life-and-Death Choice

PART 2: UNDERSTANDING THE BLESSING 5. A Clear Path for Every Parent 6. The First Element: Meaningful Touch 7. The Second Element: A Spoken Message 8. The Third Element: Attaching High Value 9. The Fourth Element: Picturing a Special Future 10. The Fifth Element: An Active Commitment

PART 3: WHEN THE BLESSING DOESN’T HAPPEN 11. Homes That Withhold the Blessing 12. Half-Blessed 13. If You Missed the Blessing 14. Reversing the Curse

PART 4: LIVING THE BLESSING CHALLENGE 15. First Steps: A Written Blessing 16. Next Steps: Five Pictures That Point the Way 17. Last Words: Living the Blessing for a Lifetime

Afterword: An Invitation to Take the Blessing Challenge

Appendix: Becoming a Blessing Champion

Notes

About the Authors

Acknowledgments

MY DEEPEST GRATITUDE goes out to my lifelong friend, Gary Smalley, who not only coauthored the original Blessing book with me, but who graciously agreed to be the honorary chairman of our National Board of Reference for the Institute for the Blessing. I deeply appreciate his support and that of his outstanding sons and colleagues, Dr. Greg Smalley and Dr. Michael Smalley, at the Smalley Relationship Center.

Thanks also to nine people who have truly been champions in encouraging a new generation of parents to embrace and live out the message of the blessing: Debbie Wickwire, Larry Weeden, Bob Dubberly, Lee Hough, Dewey Wilson, Pastor Ryan Rush, Dr. Royce Fraizer, Dr. Adrian Halverstadt, and Dr. Tony Wheeler. All have been incredible friends and champions for the blessing and the Blessing Challenge. A very special note of thanks to Anne Christian Buchanan. Her extraordinary skill in helping with all the editorial changes and countless wise suggestions on updating the book were absolutely invaluable and deeply appreciated.

The many parents who will see their children’s lives changed as they live out the blessing won’t know the incredible contribution these ten have made in launching this mission and message, but I’ll never forget. Thank you and may God’s blessing be on each of you!

ONE

To Change a Life

THE WRITING OF every book has its own story. For me, the story of this book is one that changed my life.

It has now been more than thirty years since two intensely personal experiences collided on the same day. It began on my first day as an intern at a psychiatric hospital. It ended with the Lord opening my eyes to the life- changing power of a simple relational tool called the blessing.

That day at the hospital, I spent a full shift sitting next to a young man on twenty-four-hour suicide watch. He was tall, handsome, well mannered, and an excellent student. In fact, he had been a straight-A student in high school and for three years of college. When he caught the flu the first semester of his senior year, that all changed. In a required PE course he had put off until then, he missed so many classes that his instructor gave him an automatic grade reduction to B for the semester. When the young man found out that there was no extra credit, no way to substitute other classes, and now no way to change his grade or drop the course, he fell into instant despair. He left the teacher’s office, went back to his dorm room, and tried to take his life. He would have succeeded had his roommate not unexpectedly and providentially returned.

As we sat and talked, and as I tried not to stare at his bandaged wrists, this young man poured out his heart to me. His story included a brilliant, demanding, engineer father who had gotten straight As himself and demanded nothing less from his oldest son. It highlighted how hard he had tried, all his life, to gain his father’s favor. And it ultimately led to how his failing to get an A in a tennis class brought the death of a dream—and nearly his own death as well.

This young man desperately yearned for something he couldn’t quite define—something that was always in sight, yet somehow never within reach. His heartbreaking tale left a haunting, indelible impression on me. I went home late that afternoon and shared the events of the day at length

with my wife, Cindy. While I was still pondering and processing what had happened, the second of two dramatic events took place.

It was nighttime when I finally sat down and began working on a message for a couples’ Sunday school class. While I’m sure you would never do such a thing if you were the teacher, I was just beginning my message—for the next day—and kicking myself for letting school, work, and family crowd in so much. Looking back, I can see how Almighty God had his hand in the timing: after sitting down for hours next to that hurting young man, I now sat down and opened my Bible to Genesis 27.

Genesis 27 tells the story of twins: Jacob and Esau. I had read of the struggle between these two brothers countless times in the past. My plan was to speed-read through the passage and throw together a few inspired thoughts. Yet that night, with each word I read, time seemed to slow down. It was as if I saw, for the first time, the intensely personal story of how these two young men struggled so mightily to receive the same gift.

In fact, that night, it wasn’t just words that I saw. It was like I could see each boy’s face. The ear-to-ear smile and unbridled joy in Jacob’s eyes when he walked away with his father’s blessing. The crushing look of shock and loss on Esau’s tormented face when he realized he would never receive that gift.

When Esau lifted up his voice and cried in anguish, “Bless me—me also, O my father!” I suddenly saw not only Esau’s unfulfilled longing and broken heart but also an echo of the tears and desperate cries I had heard as I sat next to the heartbroken young man in the hospital. And at that moment, it was as if the Lord put tangible words to the intangible something that young man had longed for all his life.

He missed his father’s blessing . . . That’s what broke his heart! As that thought washed over me, I read Esau’s pitiful, heartbreaking,

repeated cry, “Have you only one blessing, my father? Bless me—me also, O my father!” (Gen. 27:38). Just as suddenly, I had words for my own pain and hurt. For all my life I, too, had longed for something I had never received from my own father—his blessing.

Long into the night, I studied and thought and remembered and prayed, and the next day was the first time I taught a group about the blessing. In a small basement classroom at Northwest Bible Church in Dallas, Texas, on a rainy Sunday morning, twenty couples heard about Jacob’s gain and Esau’s

loss. They were the first people I ever asked whether they had received this life-changing gift from their parents.

The impact was incredible. The nodding heads. The tears in too many eyes. The discussion in the hallway, long after class. The calls that came for days afterward from people who felt as if Esau’s cry was their own—and from just as many who wanted to make sure they were giving the blessing to their children.

“Can you tell me more about that blessing?” So began a personal, now thirty-plus-year study of the blessing. It

became the subject of my doctoral dissertation and the basis for this book. (The original edition was written with the incomparable Dr. Gary Smalley, who continues to support our blessing ministry in many practical ways.) It also launched seminars and talks I’ve done and continue to do on the blessing at churches and even stadiums across the country. Rather than adding layers of dust to a stale concept, years of teaching about this amazing Old Testament concept has caused interest to mushroom, not diminish.

When this book was first published, the Internet was reserved for high- end computer users in major universities. Today, blessing messages go out as tweets and e-mails or text messages sent from BlackBerries and iPhones. Yet with all the advances in technology, the challenges of raising children in a world haunted by terrorism and social upheaval has drawn people—more than ever—to want strong, loving families. In that search they keep coming back to God’s Word . . . and to the blessing.

Perhaps you are reading this book as a third-generation Christian and have personally benefited from a long tradition of blessing children. If that is the case, you may well find yourself saying, “So that’s why our family has stayed so close all these years!” Or perhaps you are like my wife, Cindy, and me: first-generation Christians from difficult backgrounds—hers an alcoholic home, mine a single-parent home—each wanting to pass on to our children more than we received. This book can put into words what you missed as a child as well as provide practical, hands-on ways of communicating unconditional love and acceptance to your children and loved ones.

Hardly a day goes by that I don’t get an e-mail (and, yes, “snail mail” too) from a joyful, now-grown child whose aging parent finally gave him

the blessing for the first time—or from a child who went out of her way to return the blessing to her father or mother and changed their relationship for the better. I hear from athletes and students who never received the blessing at home but who found those life-changing actions and words modeled by a coach, teacher, or youth leader. And I get to read or hear about the excitement and commitment of new fathers and mothers determined to give their newborn child a gift they missed themselves.

Which leads us to today, to this very special edition of The Blessing—an ancient, relational, biblical tool whose time has come.

A CALL TO ACTION

Every so often, there comes a unique time, opportunity, or experience. I believe all three happened when you picked up this book.

Today is indeed a unique time for you to take part in a significant challenge that launches with this book.

Along the way, you will learn about an unparalleled opportunity to create a radically positive experience that can be nothing short of life changing for you and for a child in your life.

This new edition of The Blessing trumpets a call to action for a huge gathering of parents—literally one million of them—from every corner of our country and world. Men and women who know it’s time to go counterculture and do something truly great in this age of just getting along.1

What is that something great? Changing the life of just one child. And how will it get done? You guessed it—through the blessing. A powerful relational tool, whose elements were first shared in the Bible,

The Blessing continues to be reconfirmed in both ongoing and completed clinical studies, providing a model for a strong, thriving family. It’s a way of helping children (and adults) experience at the deepest level of their hearts the certainty that they are highly valued and forever treasured by someone incredibly significant in their life stories. And it lays out a simple

path to follow—five specific actions parents or other caring persons can take, no matter how busy their lives or challenging their circumstances.2

The Blessing is not just for children, of course. As we’ll see, the principles in this book can transform marriages, friendships, and adult- sibling relationships. Grown children—even those whose parents refused to accept and affirm them— have used these principles to reach out to those very parents in blessing. But because childhood experiences are so powerful in shaping lives, the primary focus of this book is helping adults, especially parents, to give the blessing to children or, as we have said, to just one child.

We all have heard (and by now have mostly grown numb to) television commercials that tug on our heartstrings and implore us to “help the children”—meaning poor kids out there in a different part of town or another country. That’s a valuable message, but it is not the message of this book. Instead it’s about reaching out to that one child within your reach and letting your blessing become an agent of life for him or her.

Before we get specific about how the blessing works and how you can give it, let me share with you four reasons why taking the blessing challenge can be so absolutely transformational.

THE BLESSING . . . FIGHTS BACK AGAINST A TOXIC CULTURE

What we are asking you to do in this book runs counter to our dominant culture in these crazy times. With adults working so hard to make ends meet —and some simply preoccupied with their own agendas—there seems to be less and less time for children, and children suffer as a result.

Many children struggle today with what experts call attachment disorder. That’s the failure of children and young adults to create significant bonds with their parents or others as they get older. They stumble down a road toward broken relationships. They enter young adulthood—and later marriage—with a deep desire for connection but without the understanding, modeling, experience, or confidence that they really can build loving, lasting relationships for themselves. They step back from what they want most because they’ve never seen what it looks like to have someone step toward them.

These are kids who need to experience the blessing in loving homes right now.

Can the blessing challenge reverse this trend? My experience tells me it can make a big difference—by offering you a

strategy for redeeming some of your precious time with your children and strengthening your bond with them. The blessing provides a parenting path that is so practical, so clear, so gently sloped, that if you will just start it, you will soon find yourself gaining momentum in terms of capturing closeness and caring with your family. It offers a way of reclaiming connection with your child no matter how many hours our culture (or your boss) tries to carve out of your month!

THE BLESSING . . . CAN OPEN A CHILD’S HEART TO A LASTING FAITH

According to a recent survey, fully eight out of ten parents report that passing a strong faith to their children was “important” or “very important” to them. Yet while a majority of Americans want these benefits to be a part of their children’s lives and futures, studies also show that it’s not happening. Depending on which study you choose, anywhere from 40 to 70 percent of children who sit in a second-grade Sunday school class at church today won’t be attending any religious services or meetings when they reach their high-school years. In fact, they won’t be claiming any kind of growing faith at all.3

To understand why this is, it’s crucial to understand how a living faith in Christ is successfully transferred. It doesn’t happen by teaching a set of rules or customs or passing along a set of traditions, though many think of religion this way. Christianity is and has been primarily about a relationship. And the blessing is all about building relationships. When we give children the blessing, we are laying an incredible relational foundation that not only helps them connect with other people but can also prepare their hearts for a relationship with Jesus.

The Blessing Challenge

Calling one million parents to choose to change the life of one child by giving them their blessing. And equipping one thousand churches to create an ongoing culture inside their church that helps parents live out the blessing for a lifetime.

Those are two crucial benefits of taking the blessing challenge. You’ll have a tool—no matter how busy you are—to help you battle the cultural phenomenon of attachment disorder with genuine connection. And in learning to give the blessing, you will also be opening a child’s heart to a living, lasting faith. But there’s also a third benefit.

THE BLESSING . . . CAN HELP HEAL THE HURTS FROM THE PAST

Let’s face it. Even those who grow up in the best and most loving of homes can come away with a degree of hurt or disappointment. So how do we cope? Even more important, what can we do to move past the significant damage that a difficult childhood can cause? How can we prevent a painful past from having a negative impact on our present and future relationships? The blessing can make a surprising difference by offering an alternative to damaging self-protective mechanisms we may have developed over the years.4

Children simply don’t have the maturity or understanding to deal with hurt and pain, so they tend to grab on to anything they can find to protect themselves and help them cope. Whatever works—athletic prowess, academic success, good looks, even drugs or alcohol—they want to repeat. By the time they grow up, they may have created layer upon layer of self- protection.

The trouble is, self-protection has a shelf life! Success is fleeting. Looks fade. Addictive substances and activities can bring dramatic life-long damage. More important, none of these self-protective mechanisms offer real, unshakable, lasting confidence and connection—which is exactly what the blessing offers.

Instead of having to wrap themselves in self-protection, children who receive the blessing can be freed to pursue God’s best in every area of their lives. And adults can too! My colleague Tony Wheeler and I have seen this again and again in our workshops. As grownups learn to give the blessing to their children, they also learn how to move away from their own hurtful, self-protective pasts.

Imagine not having to live in fear of wrinkles or slowing down. Imagine not having to worry about acquiring all the “toys” someone else has. Imagine moving beyond issues that have held you back for years and finally making peace with your past. That’s another life-changing part of experiencing the blessing from God and others—and a third great benefit of taking the blessing challenge.

Here, then, is one last benefit . . .

THE BLESSING . . . IS PART OF YOUR CALL TO A REAL AND RADICAL FAITH

A number of Christian books and messages today call young (and old) believers to a “sold out” life of faith. For example, in reading books such as Crazy Love and Radical, you find a much-needed call to pursue a Great Commission lifestyle as a real-life goal. But adopting a Great Commission or “missional” lifestyle doesn’t mean leaving your important relationships in the dust as you seek to win others for Christ. In fact, if you are not living out a crazy, radical faith and love for Christ with your family and own children first, you have missed a huge first step!

Neglecting to give your own child the blessing because you are too busy with a “higher calling” is to miss the whole point of the gospel. And don’t just take that from me. The apostle Paul, who knew a little bit about leading a sold-out life, made it clear that “if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim. 5:8 NASB).

Building strong relational ties is part of your call to radical, sold-out Christianity, and the blessing can be one of your most important tools in ministering to your family and to others. In the process, you will give them the confidence and faith to live their own radical, sold-out lives.

ARE YOU READY TO TAKE THE CHALLENGE?

So enough with all the benefits of giving and living the blessing. It’s time to start. Here is a road map for what you will find in each section of the book:

• Part 1 shares with you just how important the gift of the blessing can be to children—both today and in preparing for their futures. • Part 2 shines light on the clear, simple path the Lord has laid out for a parent (or another caring adult) to follow in giving and living the blessing. It outlines five specific, proven elements that make up the blessing and shows how you can provide each element. Part 2 also challenges you to consider whether you received the blessing as a child and whether you are giving it to your child right now. • Part 3 takes an honest look at homes that withhold the blessing and the often emotionally and spiritually devastating consequences that result. You will get an eye-opening picture of why we must choose “life over death, blessing over curse” for each child. But you will also discover how Almighty God provides a way of escape from even the most broken and hurtful past. • Part 4 is all about the practicalities of taking the blessing challenge. After understanding what the blessing is and how it can pour hope, life, clarity, and love into a person’s life, it’s time to take that first step down the blessing path. In this section you will be coached on how to begin writing out a blessing for your child, then sitting down with him or her to share your words in what can be an unforgettable experience for both of you. You will also find encouragement and examples to support you as you continue a life of blessing.

SPECIAL FEATURES OF THIS NEW EDITION

In this revised and updated edition of The Blessing, we have built in some additional things to equip and inspire you.

• Living the Blessing. Throughout the book you will have the opportunity to stop reading and respond through questions, exercises, and quick ideas for applying the blessing to your life. We encourage you to take advantage of these hands-on opportunities. • BlessingLinks. To further encourage and equip you, you will find strategically placed Internet addresses to sites that will connect you to a wealth of additional resources. Some links will take you to a short free video segment that will follow up on what you’ve just read,

offering additional encouragement and ideas. Other BlessingLinks will connect you with the community of people and the resources on our website, TheBlessing.com, which is rich with stories, tools, courses, and encouragement. Watch for the BlessingLinks icon:

•The Blessing Challenge. This book contains everything you need to get started giving the blessing to someone you love. But I hope you consider taking part in the larger effort being launched along with this new edition of The Blessing. It’s a national initiative called the Blessing Challenge—with a capital B and a capital C. We are calling one million parents nationwide to take the first step on the blessing path by writing out a blessing and sharing it with a child. And we are challenging and equipping one thousand churches to create an ongoing culture that helps parents live out the blessing for a lifetime. I explain more about this initiative later in the book. I hope you will give some thought to joining the one million parents in a thousand churches who are taking the Blessing Challenge.

Whether or not you choose to join up with the official Blessing Challenge, please be aware that an incredible number of friends and ministries are praying for you and working incredibly hard to do all they can to help you take your first— and second—step down the blessing path. We ask God’s most special blessing on you and your family as you read this book and accept the challenge to change lives for the better.

Congratulations on finishing chapter 1. Please go to TheBlessing.com/Chapter 1 and watch a special video message from Dr. Trent as you start your journey.

http://theblessing.com/
http://theblessing.com/
PART 1

Why Is the Blessing So Important?

TWO

The Lifelong Search for the Blessing

ALL OF US long to be accepted by others. While we may say out loud, “I don’t care what other people think about me,” on the inside we all yearn for intimacy and affection. This yearning is especially true in our relationships with our parents. Gaining or missing out on parental approval has a tremendous effect on us, even if it has been years since we have had any contact with them. In fact, what happens in our relationship with our parents can greatly affect all our present and future relationships. While this may sound like an exaggeration, our offices have been filled with people struggling with this very issue, people just like Brian and Nancy.

THE CRUSHING OF BRIAN’S DREAM

“Please say that you love me, please!” Brian’s words trailed off into tears as he leaned over the now-still form of his father. It was late at night in a large metropolitan hospital. Only the cold, white walls and the humming of a heart monitor kept Brian company. His tears revealed a deep inner pain and sensitivity that had tormented him for years. The emotional wounds now seemed beyond repair.

Brian had flown nearly halfway across the country to be at his father’s side in one last attempt to reconcile years of misunderstanding and resentment. All his life, Brian had been searching for his father’s acceptance and approval, but they always seemed just out of reach.

Brian’s father, a career marine officer, wanted nothing more than for his son to follow in his footsteps. With that in mind, he took every opportunity to instill in Brian the discipline and the backbone he would need as a marine.

Words of affection or tenderness were forbidden in their home. It was almost as if Brian’s father thought a display of warmth might crack the tough exterior he was trying to create in his son. He drove Brian to participate in sports and to take elective classes that would best equip him to be an officer. But Brian’s only praise for scoring a touchdown or doing well in a class was a lecture on how he could and should have done even better.

After graduating from high school, Brian did enlist in the Marine Corps. It was the happiest day of his father’s life. However, the joy was short- lived. Cited for attitude problems and disrespect for orders, Brian was soon on report. After weeks of such reports (one for a vicious fight with his drill instructor), Brian was dishonorably discharged from the service as incorrigible.

The news of Brian’s dismissal from the marines dealt a deathblow to his relationship with his father. Brian was no longer welcome in his father’s home, and for years there was no contact between them.

During those years, Brian struggled with feelings of inferiority and lacked self-confidence. Even though he was above average in intelligence, he worked at various jobs far below his abilities. Three times he got engaged—only to break the engagements just weeks before the weddings. He just couldn’t believe another person could really love him.

Brian didn’t know that he was experiencing common symptoms of growing up without the family blessing. He knew something was wrong, though, and that sense of something missing finally led him to seek professional help.

I began counseling with Brian after he had broken his third engagement. As he peeled away the layers of his past, Brian began to see both his need for his family’s blessing and his responsibility for dealing honestly with his parents. That is when the call came from his mother. His father was dying from a heart attack.

Brian flew immediately to his hometown to see his father. During the entire journey he was filled with hope that now, at long last, they could talk and reconcile their relationship. “I’m sure he’ll listen to me. I’ve learned so much. I know things are going to change between us.” Brian repeated these phrases over and over to himself as he sat on the plane.

But it was not to be.

Brian’s father slipped into a coma a few hours before Brian made it to the hospital. The words that Brian longed to hear for the first time—words of love and acceptance— would never be spoken. Four hours after Brian arrived, his father died without regaining consciousness.

“Dad, please wake up!” Brian’s heartbreaking sobs echoed down the hospital corridor. His cries spoke of an incredible sense of loss—not only the physical loss of his father but also the emotional sense of losing any chance of his father’s blessing.

NANCY RELIVES A PAINFUL PAST

Nancy’s loss was a different sort, but the hurt and pain she received from missing out on the blessing stung her just as deeply and caused problems not only with her parents but with her husband and children as well.

Nancy grew up in an affluent suburb outside a major city. Her mother loved to socialize with other women at the club and at frequent civic activities. In fact, with a marriage that was less than fulfilling, Nancy’s mother placed paramount importance on these social gatherings.

When Nancy was very young, her mother would dress her up in elegant clothes (the kind you had to sit still in, not play in) and take her and her older sister to the club. But as Nancy grew older, this practice began to change.

Unlike her mother and older sister, Nancy was not petite. In fact, she was quite sturdy and big boned. Nor was Nancy a model of tranquility. She was a tomboy who loved outdoor games, swinging on fences, and animals of all kinds.

As you might imagine, such behavior from a daughter who was being groomed to be a debutante caused real problems. Nancy’s mother tried desperately to mend her daughter’s erring ways. Nancy was constantly scolded for being “awkward” and “clumsy.” During shopping sprees, she was often subject to verbal barbs designed to motivate her to lose weight.

“All the really nice clothes are two sizes too small for you. They’re your sister’s size,” her mother would taunt. Nancy was finally put on a strict diet to try to make her physically presentable to others.

Nancy tried hard to stick to her diet and be all her mother wanted. However, more and more often, Nancy’s mother and sister would go to social events and leave Nancy at home. Soon all invitations to join these functions stopped. “After all,” her mother told her, “you don’t want to be embarrassed in front of all the other children because of the way you look, do you?”

When Nancy first came in for counseling, she was in her thirties, married, and the mother of two children. For years she had struggled with her weight and with feelings of inferiority. Her marriage had been a constant struggle as well.

Nancy’s husband loved her and was deeply committed to her, but her inability to feel acceptable left her constantly insecure and defensive. As a result of this hypersensitivity, Nancy felt threatened every time she and her husband began to draw close. Invariably, some small thing her husband did would set her off, and her marriage was back at arm’s length.

Frankly, because of her lack of acceptance in the past, being at arm’s length was the only place Nancy felt comfortable in any relationship. Her marriage was certainly of concern to her. Yet where Nancy struggled most was with her children, one in particular.

Nancy had two daughters. The older girl was big boned and looked very much like Nancy, but the younger daughter was a beautiful, petite child. What was causing Nancy incredible pain were the relationships between her mother and her children. For once again, her mother catered to the “pretty” daughter while Nancy’s older daughter was left out and ignored. Old wounds that Nancy thought were hidden in her past were now being relived through watching her own children. The heartache and loneliness her older daughter was feeling echoed Nancy’s unhappiness.

In spite of herself, Nancy found her attitude toward her smaller, daintier daughter changing. The slightest misbehavior from this child would bring an explosion of anger. Bitterness and resentment began to replace genuine affection.

In her heart of hearts, Nancy was also angry at God. In spite of her prayers, she felt he had changed neither her relationship with her mother nor her present circumstances. She felt doomed to repeat her own painful past through her daughters. As a result of this barrage of feelings, she

stopped going to Bible study, calling Christian friends, and even praying to God.

Nancy’s relationship with her husband, her children, and God had all been affected by missing out on the blessing that she had tried for years to grasp but had never quite been able to reach.

LIVING THE BLESSING

Your Search for the Blessing Does anything feel familiar to you about Brian’s and Nancy’s stories? Have you experienced something similar in your life or the life of someone you care about? In what specific ways do you think this situation influences your life today? Write down your thoughts before proceeding to the next chapter.

OUR NEED FOR ACCEPTANCE

For Brian and for Nancy, the absence of parental acceptance held serious consequences. In Brian’s case, it kept him from getting close enough to another person to become genuinely committed. In Nancy’s, the inability to feel acceptable as a person was destroying her most important relationships. Without realizing it, Brian and Nancy were searching for the same thing— their family’s blessing.

Brian and Nancy typify all people who, for one reason or another, miss out on the blessing. For years after they had moved away from homes physically, they still remained chained to the past emotionally. Their lack of parental approval in the past kept them from feeling genuinely accepted by others in the present. In Nancy’s case, her mother’s withheld approval even kept her from believing that her heavenly Father truly accepted her.

Some people are driven toward workaholism as they search for the blessing they never received at home. Always hungry for acceptance and approval, they never feel satisfied that they are measuring up. Others get mired in withdrawal and apathy as they give up hope of ever truly being blessed. Unfortunately, this withdrawal can become so severe that it can lead to chronic depression and even suicide. For almost all children who

miss out on their parents’ blessing, at some level this lack of acceptance sets off a lifelong search.

The search for the blessing is not just a modern-day phenomenon. It is actually centuries old. In fact, we can find a graphic picture of a person who missed out on his family’s blessing in the Old Testament. Let’s look now at a confused and angry man named Esau—the one who started my own adventure in learning about the blessing. In so doing we will learn more about the blessing and what it can mean to grow up with or without it.

THREE

“Bless Me—Me Also, O My Father!”

ESAU WAS BESIDE himself. Could this really be happening? he may have thought. Perhaps his mind went right back to the events of that day. Just hours before, his father, Isaac, had called him to his side and made a special request. If Esau, the older son, would go and bring in fresh game for a savory meal, Isaac’s long-awaited blessing would be given to him.

What was this blessing that Esau had waited for over the years? For sons or daughters in biblical times, receiving their father’s blessing was a momentous event. At a specific point in their lives they could expect to feel a loving parent’s touch and to hear words of encouragement, love, and acceptance— words that gave them a tremendous sense of being highly valued and that even pictured a special future for them.

We will see that some aspects of this Old Testament blessing were unique to that time. However, the relationship elements of this blessing are still applicable today. And although in Old Testament times the blessing was primarily reserved for only one son and one special occasion, parents today can decide to build these elements of blessing into all their children’s lives daily.

Esau’s family, of course, had followed their culture’s custom of waiting until a specific day to give the firstborn son a blessing, and the long-awaited day had come at last. Esau’s time of blessing was supposed to begin as soon as he could catch and prepare the special meal.

With all the skill and abilities of an experienced hunter, Esau had gone about his work quickly and efficiently. In almost no time he had whipped up a delicious stew as only one familiar with the art of cooking in the field could do.

Esau had done just as he was told. Why, then, was Isaac acting so strangely? Esau had just entered his father’s tent and greeted him:

“Let my father arise and eat of his son’s game, that your soul may bless me.” And his father Isaac said to him, “Who are you?” So he said, “I am your son, your firstborn, Esau.”

Then Isaac trembled exceedingly, and said, “Who? Where is the one who hunted game and brought it to me? I ate all of it before you came, and I have blessed him —and indeed he shall be blessed.”

When Esau heard the words of his father, he cried with an exceedingly great and bitter cry, and said to his father, “Bless me—me also, O my father!” (Gen. 27:31–34, italics added)

Little did Esau know that when his aged and nearly blind father called

him to his side, another had been listening. Rebekah, the mother of Esau and his twin brother, Jacob, had also been in the tent. As soon as Esau went out into the fields to hunt fresh game, she had run to her favorite son, Jacob, with a cunning plan.

If they hurried, they could kill a young kid from the flock and prepare a savory meal. What’s more, they could dress Jacob in his brother’s clothing and put animal skins on him to simulate Esau’s rough and hairy arms, hands, and neck.

Putting on Esau’s clothes did not present a problem, but one thing they couldn’t counterfeit was Esau’s voice. That almost blew the whistle on them (v. 22). But even though Isaac was a little skeptical, their plan worked just as they had hoped it would. We read in Genesis 27:22–23, “So Jacob went near to Isaac his father. . . . And he did not recognize him, because his hands were hairy like his brother Esau’s hands; so he blessed him.” The blessing meant for the older son went to the younger.

Jacob should not have had to trick his way into receiving the blessing. God himself had told Isaac, regarding his twin sons, that the “older shall serve the younger” (Gen. 25:23). Yet Esau had grown up expecting the blessing to be his. No wonder he was devastated when he came back from hunting to find that an even more cunning hunter had stolen into his father’s tent and taken what he thought would be his.

Was Esau crying over losing his inheritance? Not really. As we will see later, the oldest son’s inheritance was something that came with his birthright and entitled him to a double share in his father’s wealth. Yet years before, Esau had already sold his birthright to his brother for a pot of red stew (Gen. 25:29–34).

No, Esau wasn’t lamenting the fact that he lost the cattle and sheep—he had already despised that gift. What ripped at his heart was something much more personal: his father’s blessing. In Old Testament times a father’s

blessing was irretrievable once it was given, so now Isaac’s blessing was forever outside Esau’s reach.

Filled with hurt, he cried out a second time, “‘Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me, even me also, O my father.’ So Esau lifted his voice and wept” (Gen. 27:38 NASB). In response to his pitiful cries, Esau did receive a blessing of sorts from his father (vv. 39–40), but it was not the words of high value and acceptance that he had longed to hear.

Can you feel the anguish in Esau’s cry, “Bless me—me also, O my father”? This same painful cry and unfulfilled longing is being echoed today by many people who are searching for their family’s blessing, men and women whose parents, for whatever reason, have failed to bless them with words of love and acceptance. People just like Brian and Nancy. People with whom you rub shoulders every day. Perhaps even you.

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE BLESSING

The hunger for genuine acceptance was a common denominator in Brian’s, Nancy’s, and Esau’s lives—a need that goes unmet in thousands of lives today. The family blessing provides that much-needed sense of personal acceptance. The blessing also plays a part in protecting and even freeing people to develop intimate relationships. Perhaps most important, it lays the foundation for a genuine and fulfilling relationship with God that can survive even the rocky teen years, when many young people pull away from faith.

This is especially important today, in a culture that offers many forms of counterfeit blessing to young people. Cult and gang leaders have mastered the elements of the blessing that we will describe in the pages that follow. Providing a sense of family and offering (at least initially) the promise of personal attention, affection, and affirmation is an important drawing card for many of these groups. And our celebrity-saturated media falsely promises fulfillment and validation through money, fame, sex, and success.

Children who grow up without a sense of parental acceptance are especially susceptible to being drawn in by these counterfeit blessings. In fact, thousands are fooled every year, beckoned like hungry children to an imaginary dinner. But though the aroma of blessing may draw them to the table, after eating they are left hungrier than before.

If you are a parent, learning about the family blessing can help you provide your child(ren) with a protective tool. The best defense against imaginary acceptance is genuine acceptance. By providing genuine acceptance and affirmation at home, you can greatly reduce the likelihood that a child will seek those things in a gang hangout, a cult compound, or an immoral relationship.

Genuine acceptance radiates from the concept of the blessing. However, the blessing is not just an important tool for parents to use. The blessing is also of critical importance for anyone who desires to draw close to another person in an intimate relationship. One of the most familiar verses in the Bible is Genesis 2:24: “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife” (NASB).

Many books and other resources talk about the need to cleave—or attach firmly—to our spouses. However, very few talk about the tremendous need people also have to “leave” home. Perhaps this is because people have thought of leaving home as simply moving away physically.

In reality leaving home has always meant much more than putting physical distance between our parents and ourselves. In the Old Testament, for example, the farthest most people would actually move away from their parents was across the campfire and into another tent! Leaving home carries with it not only the idea of physical separation but also of emotional separation.

The terrible fact is that most people who have missed out on their parents’ blessing have great emotional difficulty leaving home in this emotional sense. It may have been years since they have seen their parents, but unmet needs for personal acceptance can keep them emotionally chained to their parents, unable to genuinely cleave to another person in a lasting relationship.

This happened to both Brian and Nancy, and it’s an important reason many couples never get off the ground in terms of marital intimacy. You or a loved one may be facing this problem. Understanding the concept of the blessing is crucial to defeating the problem and freeing people to build healthy relationships.

LIVING THE BLESSING

Blessings That Aren’t Really Blessings Make a list of “counterfeit blessings” that have tempted you and other people you know. Which are the most difficult to resist? Do you think all of these are dangerous? If not, what determines the difference between a harmless diversion or pastime and a treacherous counterfeit?

A JOURNEY OF HOPE AND HEALING

In a world awash with insecurity and in search of acceptance, we need biblical anchors to hold on to—anchors like the blessing.

The search for acceptance that Brian and Nancy went through and so many others undertake often leads people to accept a cure that is worse than the problem itself. (Many addictions, for instance, have their roots in the deep loneliness of growing up without a parent’s blessing.) In contrast, God’s Word and his principles offer a dependable blueprint for constructing or reconstructing truly healthy relationships.

In the pages that follow, you will discover more about the blessing. You will explore the five crucial elements that make up the blessing—and make it so powerful. You will also have a chance to look back and evaluate whether you received the blessing as a child, how this childhood experience affects you and your family today, and how—if you missed out on the blessing—you can find healing.

Most important, if you are a parent, you will discover how to make sure your children—toddlers to teens, and even those who are grown—receive the blessing from you. In the process, you will be exposed to God’s spiritual family blessing that is offered to each of his children.

If you are a teacher, discovering the blessing can help you better understand your students. If you counsel others, it can provide a helpful framework for understanding many problems and offering practical solutions. If you are involved in ministering to others, it can help you understand this crucial need every person has and provide some resources for meeting that need.

Our prayer is, in the following pages, you will take the time and have the courage to journey into the past, a journey that can lead to hope and healing. Even more, we pray that you will be willing to look honestly at the present and apply what you discover.

These pages may end your lifelong search for acceptance or begin a new relationship with your children, your spouse, your parents, or a close friend. Our deepest desire is that this book will enrich your relationship with your heavenly Father as you learn more about the source of blessing that he is to each believer. All this as we take our first look at the life-changing concept called the blessing.

FOUR

A Life-and-Death Choice

WHEN I WAS young, my grandparents came to live with us for several years to “help out” with three very rambunctious boys. My grandfather was a wonderful man but a stern disciplinarian. He had rules for everything, with swats to go along with all his rules. And there was one ironclad rule that we hated because it carried two automatic swats: “Be home before the streetlight comes on.”

There was no “grading on the curve” in my home. And while spanking may be controversial in many homes, there was no discussion when my grandfather moved in. With the streetlight planted right in our yard, all he had to do was look out the kitchen window and see if we had made it home in time. And one night my twin brother, Jeff, and I didn’t.

Never one to delay punishment, I shuffled down the hallway to Grandfather’s room and received my two swats. But little did I know that I was moments away from gaining one of the most significant blessings in my life.

After my spanking, my grandmother told me to go back down the hall and call my grandfather for dinner. I didn’t feel much like being polite to him at the time, but I didn’t want to risk another spanking either. So off I went to his room.

While many children grow up with open access to their elders’ rooms, we didn’t. We were to knock on Grandfather’s door, ask for permission to enter, and always call him “Grandfather” or “Sir” when we addressed him.

I meant to knock on the door, but then I noticed it was already slightly ajar. That’s when I broke the rule and gently pushed it open to look inside.

What I saw shocked me. My grandfather, a man who rarely showed any emotion, was sitting on the end of the bed, crying. I stood at the door in confusion. I had never seen him cry, and I didn’t know what to do.

Suddenly he looked up and saw me, and I froze where I was. I hope catching him crying isn’t a sixty-swat offense! I thought to myself.

Yet my grandfather simply said to me, his voice full of emotion, “Come here, John.”

When I reached him, he reached out and hugged me closely. Then, in tears, he told me how much he loved me and how deeply it hurt him to have to spank me. “John,” he said, seating me on the bed next to him and putting his big arms around me, “I want more than anything in life for you and your brothers to grow up to become godly young men. I hope that you know how much I love you and how proud I am of you.”

I can’t explain it, but when I left his room that night, I was a different person because of my grandfather’s blessing. As I look back today, I see that evening provided me with a meaningful rite of passage from childhood to young adulthood. For years afterward, recalling that clear picture of my grandfather’s blessing helped point me toward a more positive future and shape my attitudes and actions.

A few months later my grandfather died instantly and unexpectedly of a cerebral aneurysm. I know now that the Lord allowed me, for that one and only time, to hear and receive the blessing from him. While I would never receive the blessing from my own father, I did receive it that day from my grandfather.