Marshall rosenberg nonviolent communication pdf

Nonviolent COMMUNICATIONTM

A Language of Life

Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

P.O. Box 231129, Encinitas, CA 92023-1129

email@PuddleDancer.com • www.PuddleDancer.com

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life © 2005 by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. A PuddleDancer Press Book

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a photographic recording, nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or otherwise copied for public or private use without the written permission of the publisher. Requests for permission should be addressed to:

PuddleDancer Press, Permissions Dept. P.O. Box 231129, Encinitas, CA 92023-1129 Fax: 1-858-759-6967, email@PuddleDancer.com

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life 2nd Edition Printing, August, 2003

Author: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. Editor: Lucy Leu Project Director: Jeanne Iler Cover and interior design: Lightbourne, www.lightbourne.com Cover photograph of Jerusalem artichoke: Eric Dresser

Manufactured in the United States of America 2nd Edition, 1st Printing, August 2003

20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11

ISBN 13: 978-1-892005-03-8 ISBN 13 PDF: 978-1-892005-37-3

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent communication : a language of life / by Marshall B.

Rosenberg. -- 2nd ed. p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN: 1-892005-03-4

1. Interpersonal communication. 2. Interpersonal relations. I. Title.

BF637.C45R67 2003 153.6--dc21

2003010831

What People Are Saying About NVC TM:

“Nonviolent Communication is a simple yet powerful methodology for communicating in a way that meets both parties’ needs. This is one of the most useful books you will ever read.”

—WILLIAM URY, co-author of Getting to Yes and author of The Third Side

“Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, is essential reading for anyone who wants to improve their communication skills. Applying the concepts within the book will help guide the reader towards a more loving, compassionate, and nonviolent way of understanding and functioning with others, and foster more compassion in the world. I highly recommend this book.”

—MARIANNE WILLIAMSON, author of Everyday Grace, President Global Renaissance Alliance

“The extraordinary language of Nonviolent Communication is changing how parents relate to children, teachers to students, and how we all relate to each other and even to ourselves. It is precise, disciplined, and enormously compassionate. Most important, once we study NVC we can’t ignore the potential for transformation that lies in any relationship difficult—if we only bother to communicate with skill and empathy.”

—BERNIE GLASSMAN, President and Co-Founder Peacemaker Community

“Nonviolent Communication is a powerful tool for peace and partnership. It shows us how to listen empathically and also communicate our authentic feelings and needs. Marshall Rosenberg has a genius for developing and teaching practical skills urgently needed for a less violent, more caring world.”

—RIANE EISLER, author of The Chalice and The Blade, Tomorrow’s Children, and The Power of Partnership

“We learned to speak but not communicate and that has led to so much unnecessary personal and social misery. In this book you will find an amazingly effective language for saying what’s on your mind and in your heart. Like so many essential and elegant systems, it’s simple on the surface, challenging to use in the heat of the moment and powerful in its results.”

—VICKI ROBIN, co-author of Your Money or Your Life

“Marshall Rosenberg provides us with the most effective tools to foster health and relationships. Nonviolent Communication connects soul to soul, creating a lot of healing. It is the missing element in what we do.”

—DEEPAK CHOPRA, author of Ageless Body, Timeless Mind

“I believe the principles and techniques in this book can literally change the world, but more importantly, they can change the quality of your life with your spouse, your children, your neighbors, your co- workers and everyone else you interact with. I cannot recommend it highly enough.”

—JACK CANFIELD, Chicken Soup for the Soul series

“Marshall Rosenberg's dynamic communication techniques transform potential conflicts into peaceful dialogues. You'll learn simple tools to defuse arguments and create compassionate connections with your family, friends, and other acquaintances. I highly recommend this book.”

—JOHN GRAY, PH.D., author of Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus

“Rosenberg starts with the question: What happens to disconnect us from our compassion, leading us to behave violently and exploitively? Rosenberg makes some challenging points: that compliments and apologies operate in a system of oppression; that rewards are as harmful as punishment, that killing is the easy way out. His distinction between punitive and protective force—and how to discern when force is necessary—should be required reading for anyone making foreign policy or policing our streets. Demanding the ultimate form of responsibility—and vulnerability—it's no wonder that Rosenberg has received little media and mass attention. Well-written and laid out this book is accessible and easy to read.”

—D. KILLIAN, On The Front Line, Cleveland Free Times

“Changing the way the world works sounds daunting, but Nonviolent Communication helps liberate us from ancient patterns of violence.”

—FRANCIS LEFKOWITZ, Body & Soul

“Marshall's unique message gives teachers easy steps for peaceful communication and a new way to work with children and parents.”

—BARBARA MOFFITT, Executive Director, National Center for Montessori Educators

“I appreciate how well Nonviolent Communication reduces a very complex and needful topic to utter simplicity.”

—HAL DOIRON, Director, Columbine Community Citizen's Task Force

“Nonviolent Communication is a masterwork. Nationally, we talk peace. This book goes far beyond mere talk . . . it shows us how to TEACH peace.”

—JAMES E. SHAW, PH.D., Jack and Jill, Why They Kill

“In our present age of uncivil discourse and mean-spirited demagoguery, racial hatreds and ethnic intolerance, the principles and practices outlined in Nonviolent Communication are as timely as they are necessary to the peaceful resolution of conflicts, personal or public, domestic or international.”

—MIDWEST BOOK REVIEW, Taylor’s Shelf

“Nonviolent Communication is filled with stories of mediations in many different situations: families, corporations, cops and gangs, Rwandan village tribal chiefs, Israelis and Palestinians. The author describes how, in numerous conflicts, once ‘enemies’ have been able to hear each other’s needs, they are able to connect compassionately and find new solutions to previously ‘impossible’ impasses. He has compiled his ideas into an easy-to-read book that clearly explains this communication model. If you want to learn ways of more skillful speech, I highly recommend this book.”

—DIANA LION, Buddhist Peace Fellowship, Turning Wheel Magazine

“I highly recommend Nonviolent Communication to anyone interested in creating more intimate relationships or exploring the connection between language and violence.”

—KATE LIN, The New Times

“We have lived traumatic moments over and over again, moments of fear and panic, incomprehension, frustrations, disappointment, and injustice of all sorts, with no hope of escape. Those who have participated in Marshall Rosenberg’s training have a real desire to use Nonviolent Communication as a peaceful alternative for ending this interminable Rwandan conflict.”

—THEODORE NYILIDANDI, Rwandan Dept. of Foreign Affairs - Kigali, Rwanda

“This book is essential reading for anyone seeking to end the unfulfilling cycles of argument in their relationships. Marshall Rosenberg offers a radical challenge to centuries of thought and language that create violence. If enough people actually learn Nonviolent Communication we may soon live in a more peaceful and compassionate world.”

—WES TAYLOR, Progressive Health

“With the growth in today's dysfunctional families and the increase of violence in our schools, Nonviolent Communication is a godsend.”

—LINDA C. STOEHR, Los Colinas Business News

“I had come to realize that my old communication style was very judgmental and full of faultfinding. Both my work associates and I were unhappy. My life is significantly changed due to practicing Nonviolent Communication. I am more settled and relaxed even when I am busy. I no longer feel the need to discover fault or place blame. Everyone is happy to be working with me for the first time in my 33 years of owning and operating my own businesses.”

—A businessman in California

“If you care about healing the offender and the victims in the community, then it’s paramount that beginnings be made. Nonviolent Communication is a very large step toward that goal.”

—A prison inmate

“In addition to saving our marriage, Marshall's work is helping us to repair our relationships with our grown children and to relate more deeply with our parents and siblings. Marshall has shown a way to not only live, speak and act nonviolently, but a way to do so without sacrificing or compromising yourself or others. If angels do manifest in physical form here on this earth, then Marshall Rosenberg must be one.”

—A reader in Arizona

“Nonviolent Communication has catalyzed a process of clarification/ healing/empowerment in me that I could never have imagined. This process has impacted every area of my life and continues to unfold. For me, it unifies the spiritual truths I've found in all the world's religions. It facilitates and strengthens connections to others and its truths are experientially testable. In a workshop Marshall Rosenberg said that all the great religions have ‘love’ at their heart, and ‘I'm just trying to figure out how to do that.’ I stand in awe of the model this book teaches as a means of learning how to ‘do’ love and of its elegant simplicity.”

—A reader in Florida

“Applying these principles to my life and using this easy four-step process has helped me change old conditioned beliefs and ways of acting. Nonviolent Communication allowed me to overcome my toxic conditioning and find the loving parent and person that was locked inside. Dr. Rosenberg has created a way to transform the violence in the world.”

—A nurse in California

“As a professional in the field, I have read many books touting most of the topics covered in this book. But today I am ordering SEVERAL of these, particularly for the teenagers in my life. This book practices what it preaches, and I found the step-by-step approach, exercises, and examples to be clear and easy to practice.”

—A reader in Maryland

I have never read a clearer, more straightforward, insightful book on communication. After studying and teaching assertiveness since the 70s, this book is a breath of fresh air. Rosenberg adds the brilliant insight into the linkage of feelings and needs and taking responsibility and creates a true tool. Amazingly easy to read, great examples, and challenging to put into practice—this book is a true gift to all of us.

—A reader in Washington

“The single toughest, most dangerous opponent I’d ever faced—the one that truly hurt me the most, causing me to spend 30 years of my life behind bars—was my own anger and fear. I write these words now, a gray haired old man, hoping to God—before you suffer what I’ve suffered—that it will cause you to listen and learn Nonviolent Communication. It will teach you how to recognize anger before it becomes violence, and how to understand, deal with, and take control of the rage you may feel.”

—A prisoner writing to fellow inmates

“As a teacher, the process of Nonviolent Communication enables me to connect more deeply; children love and respond to that deep recognition. Parents remark that they feel heard. Solutions come more easily and naturally. Conflicts and misunderstandings with colleagues now become opportunities to create deeper connections. Anger, depression, shame and guilt become friends that help me wake to some vital need that is not being met. Read the book!”

—A teacher in Oregon

“My relationship with my husband, which was good already, has become even better. I have taught the method to many parents who have reported having gained a deeper understanding of their children, thus enhancing their relationship and decreasing tension and conflict.”

—A reader in Illinois

Contents

Acknowledgements • xiii Foreword • xv

Chapter 1: Giving From the Heart • 1 The Heart of Nonviolent Communication • 1 Introduction • 1 A Way to Focus Attention • 3 The NVC Process • 6 Applying NVC in Our Lives and World • 8 NVC in Action: “Murderer, Assassin, Child Killer!” • 12

Chapter 2: Communication That Blocks Compassion • 15 Moralistic Judgments • 15 Making Comparisons • 18 Denial of Responsibility • 19 Other Forms of Life-Alienating Communication • 22

Chapter 3: Observing Without Evaluating • 25 The Highest Form of Human Intelligence • 28 Distinguishing Observations From Evaluations • 30 NVC in Action: The Most Arrogant Speaker We’ve Ever Had! • 32 Exercise 1: Observation or Evaluation? • 34

Chapter 4: Identifying and Expressing Feelings • 37 The Heavy Cost of Unexpressed Feelings • 37 Feelings Versus Non-Feelings • 41 Building a Vocabulary for Feelings • 43 Exercise 2: Expressing Feelings • 47

• ix •

• x •

Chapter 5: Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings • 49 Hearing a Negative Message: Four Options • 49 The Needs at the Root of Feelings • 52 The Pain of Expressing Our Needs

Versus the Pain of Not Expressing Our Needs • 55 From Emotional Slavery To Emotional Liberation • 57 NVC in Action: Bring Back the Stigma of Illegitimacy! • 61 Exercise 3: Acknowledging Needs • 65

Chapter 6: Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life • 67 Using Positive Action Language • 67 Making Requests Consciously • 72 Asking for a Reflection • 74 Requesting Honesty • 76 Making Request of a Group • 77 Requests Versus Demands • 79 Defining Our Objective When Making Requests • 81 NVC in Action: Sharing Fears About a Friend’s Smoking • 85 Exercise 4: Expressing Requests • 88

Chapter 7: Receiving Empathically • 91 Presence: Don’t Just Do Something, Stand There • 91 Listening for Feelings and Needs • 94 Paraphrasing • 96 Sustaining Empathy • 101 When Pain Blocks Our Ability to Empathize • 103 NVC in Action: A Wife Connects With Her Dying Husband • 105 Exercise 5: Differentiating Receiving Empathically from

Receiving Non-Empathically • 109

Chapter 8: The Power of Empathy • 113 Empathy that Heals • 113 Empathy and the Ability to be Vulnerable • 115 Using Empathy to Defuse Danger • 117

NO N V I O L E N T CO M M U N I C AT I O N _______________________________________

• xi •

Empathy in Hearing Someone’s “No!” • 120 Empathy to Revive a Lifeless Conversation • 121 Empathy for Silence • 123

Chapter 9: Connecting Compassionately with Ourselves • 129 Remembering the Specialness of What We Are • 129 Evaluating Ourselves When We’ve Been Less Than Perfect • 130 Translating Self-Judgments and Inner Demands • 132 NVC Mourning • 132 Self-Forgiveness • 133 The Lesson of the Polka-Dotted Suit • 134 Don’t Do Anything That Isn’t Play! • 135 Translating Have-To to Choose-To • 136 Cultivating Awareness of the Energy Behind Our Actions • 138

Chapter 10: Expressing Anger Fully • 141 Distinguishing Stimulus From Cause • 141 All Anger Has a Life-Serving Core • 144 Stimulus Versus Cause: Practical Implications • 145 Four Steps to Expressing Anger • 148 Offering Empathy First • 149 Taking Our Time • 152 NVC in Action: Parent and Teen Dialogue

A Life-Threatening Issue • 154

Chapter 11: The Protective Use of Force • 161 When the Use of Force is Unavoidable • 161 The Thinking Behind the Use of Force • 161 Types of Punitive Force • 162 The Costs of Punishment • 164 Two Questions that Reveal the Limitations of Punishment • 165 The Protective Use of Force in Schools • 166