Love and Commitment
Mate Selection: The Process of Selecting a Committed Partner
The Marriage Market
Assortative Mating: A Filtering Out Process
Heterogamy in Relationships
Meandering Toward Marriage: Developing the Relationship and Moving Toward Commitment
Dating Violence: A Serious Sign of Trouble
The Possibility of Breaking Up
Nurturing Loving and Committed Relationships
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Love and Commitment

Love is viewed as the primary reason for getting and staying married.
Loving involves the acceptance of partners for themselves.
Loving requires empathy and commitment.
Commitment is characterized by a willingness to work through problems and conflicts as opposed to calling it quits when problems arise; it involves consciously investing in the relationship.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Love

Marriages between individuals with a relatively secure attachment style that take place around age 25 and are between partners who grew up in intact families are the most likely to be satisfying and stable.

Defining Love

Committed lovers have fun together; they also share tedious times.
They express themselves freely.
They do not see problems as indications that their relationship is over.
They work to maintain their relationship.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Gender Differences in Love

Though love is thought to be the domain of women, recent research suggests that some boys are becoming less focused on casual sex and more on romance.
Women are more resilient when it comes to love and breakups.
Despite gendered expectations, love is important and meaningful to men. “Romantic rituals” are often required of men.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Three components of love:

Intimacy – close, connected feelings.

Passion – drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation.

Commitment – the decision to love someone and maintain that love.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

The three components develop at different times:
Passion is quickest to develop and quickest to fade.
Intimacy develops more slowly.
Commitment develops more gradually still.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Consummate Love
Composed of all three components, is “complete love, …a kind of love toward which many of us strive, especially in romantic relationships.”
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Attachment Theory and Loving Relationships

A secure attachment style is associated with better prospects for a committed relationship.
An insecure/anxious attachment style entails “fear of abandonment” with possible consequences such as jealousy or trying to control one’s partner.
An avoidant attachment style leads one to pass up or shun closeness or intimacy.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Facts about Families:
Six Love Styles

Eros
Characterized by intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual feelings or desires.
Storge
An affectionate, companionate style of loving focused on deepening mutual commitment, respect, friendship, and common goals.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Facts about Families:
Six Love Styles

Pragma
Involves rational assessment of a potential partner’s assets and liabilities.
Agape
Emphasizes unselfish concern for the beloved’s needs even when that requires personal sacrifice.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Facts about Families:
Six Love Styles

Ludus
Emphasizes enjoying many sexual partners rather than searching for a serious relationship.
Mania
Rests on strong sexual attraction and emotional intensity. It differs from eros in that manic partners are extremely jealous and moody, and their need for attention and affection is insatiable.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Three Things Love Is Not

Martyring

Manipulating

Limerence

Love Isn’t Martyring

Martyrs may:

Be reluctant to suggest what they want.
Allow others to be constantly late and never protest.
Help loved ones develop talents while neglecting their own.
Be sensitive to others’ feelings and hide their own.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Love Isn’t Manipulation

Manipulators may:

Ask others to do something that they could do.
Assume that others will happily do whatever they choose.
Be consistently late.
Want others to help them develop their talents but seldom think of reciprocating.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Love Isn’t Limerence

People in limerence fantasize about being with the limerent object in all kinds of situations.
Limerence is characterized by little, if any, concern for the well-being of the limerent object.
Limerence can turn into genuine love, but more often than not, it doesn’t.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Mate Selection: The Process of Selecting a Committed Partner

Positive attitudes about the relationship, coupled with realistically positive assessments of a spouse’s personality traits, are important to marital stability.
Supportive interaction results in greater marital satisfaction.
Greater marital satisfaction, in turn, results in the greater likelihood of marital stability (staying married).
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

A Time-Ordered Sequential Model of Relationship Outcomes

Minimizing Mate Selection Risk

Letting go of misconceptions we may have about love and choosing a partner. Common love myths include:
The right person will meet all my needs
I can change my partner
Love will conquer all
Love is a feeling
We’ll live happily ever after
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

The Marriage Market

Individuals enter the marriage market armed with resources—personal and social characteristics—and then bargain for the best “buy” that they can get.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Arranged Marriages

Not uncommon in the less Westernized parts of Asia and Africa.
Assisted marriages have become more common today. Children marry only when they themselves accept their parents choice.
Couples in arranged marriages are expected to develop a loving relationship after the marriage.
Some studies indicate that satisfaction among couples with arranged marriages have found no differences in marital satisfaction between couples who have had input in their mate selection.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Free-choice Culture

The United States is an example of a free-choice culture:
People choose their own mates, although typically they seek parents’ and other family members’ support for their decision.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Arranged Marriage

In arranged marriages, families and community do the bargaining, based on assets such as status, possessions, and dowry.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Free-Choice Marriage

In freely chosen marriages, the individuals perform a more subtle form of bargaining, weighing the costs and benefits of personal characteristics, economic status, and education.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Social Exchange

The ideas of bargaining resources in relationships come to us from exchange theory
Individuals pick the relationship that is most rewarding or least costly.
In romantic relationships individuals have resources: beauty, personality, status, skills, maturity, intellect, originality, etc.
Individuals also have costly attributes: being demanding, low status, geographic inaccessibility, etc.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

The Traditional Exchange

Women trade their ability to bear children and perform domestic duties, along with sexual accessibility and attractiveness, for a man’s protection, status, and support.
Both women and men can experience gender related disadvantages in the traditional exchange.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

The Decline of Status Exchange?

Women expect greater financial success from potential husbands than vice versa, even if they themselves are employed.
Still, wives today are just as likely to have more education than their husbands.
One study found no difference between men and women in their desire for a financially successful mate or one who takes on domestic roles.
Matching: The tendency of individuals to select partners with characteristics similar to their own.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Assortative Mating: A Filtering Process

Individuals gradually filter those they think would not make the best spouse.
Research has shown that people are willing to date and live with a wider range of individuals than they would marry (assortative mating).
Mate selection involves narrowing down possibilities until a suitable partner is found.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Homogamy: Narrowing the Pool of Eligibles

People tend to marry people of similar race, age, education, religious background, and social class.
The “pool of eligible” starts out large but is made smaller by propinquity (geographic area), desired demographic and social characteristics, physical attraction, and personal and lifestyle factors.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Pool of Eligibles

A group of individuals who, by background or birth, are considered most likely to make compatible marriage partners.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Reasons for Homogamy

Geographic availability (propinquity): Geographic segregation, which can result from either discrimination or strong community ties, contributes to homogamous marriages
Demographic and social filter: We tend to form committed relationships with people who are socially similar to ourselves (endogamy).
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Reasons for Homogamy

Physical attraction filter: Most individuals marry a partner of similar physical attractiveness as their own.
Personality and lifestyle filter: Personality traits can set the tone of the “emotional climate” of marriages.
Cohabitation and engagement: This final filter provides family and friends one last opportunity to approve the relationship before marriage.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Importance of Cohabitation

Cohabitation is increasingly thought of as part of the marriage process.
People intuitively believe that cohabitation allows them to evaluate a potential spouse’s compatibility. Some studies indicate this may not be true, however.
Selection hypothesis: People who cohabit differ from those who don’t, and these differences translate into higher divorce rates.
Experience hypothesis: Cohabiting experiences themselves affect individuals so that they are more likely to divorce once married.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Heterogamy in Relationships

Heterogamy refers to choosing someone who is dissimilar in race, age, education religion or social class.
Exogamy is marrying outside one’s group.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Interracial and Interethnic Heterogamy

Interracial marriages include unions between partners of the white, black, Asian, or Native American races with a spouse outside their own race.
Unions between Hispanics and others, as well as between Asian/Pacific Islander or Hispanic ethnic groups, are interethnic marriages.
In 2014, only 5 percent of all marriages were between spouses of different races, up from less than 1 percent in 1970.
However, in 2014 12 percent of newlyweds married someone of a different race.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Percentage of newlyweds who married someone of a different race, 2013

Reasons for Interracial and Interethnic Relationships

Racial/ethnic groups are relatively small and have a smaller pool of eligible partners in their own groups.
Status exchange hypothesis—trading “superior” racial/ethnic status for “superior” economic status.
Some concern has been expressed about educated black men choosing spouses from other races.
Acceptance of interracial/interethnic marriage is growing; it is especially high among minorities, younger adults, and those with college degrees.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Heterogamy: Interfaith Relationships

About 45 percent of married couples married outside their religion.
Being highly educated seems to lessen individuals’ commitment to religious heterogamy.
Because Americans are becoming less religious, religious heterogamy can be expected to continue its decline.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Heterogamy and Relationship Quality and Stability

Social scientists find that marriages that are homogamous in age, education, religion, and race are the most stable.
However, some studies do not support worse outcomes for heterogamous relationships.
Interreligious marriages tend to be more stressful and less stable than homogamous ones.
Private choices are intertwined with public issues.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Meandering Toward Marriage: Developing the Relationship and Moving Toward Commitment

Sociologists have long been interested in two central questions: What first brings people together? What keeps them together?
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Meandering Toward Marriage: Developing the Relationship and Moving Toward Commitment

Young people today “meander toward marriage,” feeling that they’ll be ready to marry when they reach their late twenties or so.
Young adults express need to explore as many options as possible before settling down.
Dating scripts govern behavior in the getting-to-know-you stage of dating relationships. These are highly gendered.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Contemporary Dating

There is considerable variation in premarital romantic relationships.
Contemporary dating seems to include some aspects of traditional dating (e.g., sexual behavior) but lacks the commitment associated with being “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.”
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Dating versus “Nondating”

Both men and women in the study said that a typical date involved 1) initiation, 2) the date itself, and 3) an outcome.
Parents are very involved in overseeing their children’s behavior.
Nondating is generally sexual in nature (e.g., “hooking up”).
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Issues for Thought: Sexual Assault and Acquaintance Rape

What can you do to help prevent sexual assault and acquaintance rape?
What should you do if you or a friend is raped or assaulted?
What would or should you do if a friend or acquaintance of yours was known to be the perpetrator of a sexual assault?
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Technology and Dating

The rapid increase in technology profoundly affected dating relationships, especially with how couples meet.
Texting and instant messaging have become important in romantic relationships.
It is unclear if digital communication is replacing in-person communication for couples (substitution hypothesis).
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

From Dating to Commitment

From an interaction-constructionist perspective, qualitative research with serious dating couples shows that they pass through a series of fairly predictable stages.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

The Wheel of Love

Four stages of love
Rapport – rests on mutual trust and respect
Self-revelation – sharing intimate information
Mutual dependency – developing interdependence
Needs fulfillment – developing emotional exchange and support
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Reiss’s Wheel Theory of the Development of Love

Some Things to Talk About

Couples should talk about matters such as the following:
When should a relationship be dissolved and under what circumstances?
What are your expectations and attitudes regarding sex?
Do you want children?
Will partners equally share breadwinning and caretaking responsibilities or not?
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Dating Violence: A Serious Sign of Trouble

Dating violence typically begins with verbal or psychological abuse and tends to occur over jealousy, with a refusal of sex, after illegal drug use or excessive drinking, or upon disagreement about drinking behavior.
Many women and men are victims of controlling behavior that may or may not include physical violence.
Technology is often used to monitor a partner’s activities and whereabouts.
A recent study of 28 female undergraduates in abusive dating relationships found that some of these women felt “stuck” with their partner. A majority had assumed a “caretaker identity” similar to martyring.
© 2018 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be scanned, copied, or duplicated, or posted to a publicly accessible website, in whole or in part.

Indicators of Dating Violence

Handles ordinary disagreements with inappropriate anger or rage

Struggles to regain self-control when a minor issue triggers anger

Goes into tirades

Indicators of Dating Violence

Quick to criticize or verbally mean

Unduly jealous, restricting, and controlling

History of violence in previous relationships

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