Resurrecting sex resolving sexual problems and rejuvenating your relationship

9

Marital Sexuality Maximizing Sexual Fulfillment

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help. Again, if two lie together, they keep each other warm; but how can one keep warm alone? And though one might prevail against another, two will withstand one. A threefold cord is not quickly broken.

(Eccles 4:9 -1 2 nrsv)

Marriage is a holy place in which profound personal, spiritual, emo- tional and sexual growth is possible. The partnership formed by husband and wife is an entity that goes far beyond what each one can accomplish alone. As two unique persons support and commit themselves to each other throughout life’s journey, they reap rewards of differentiation, connec tion and united strength. And with God at the center weaving these two lives together into a threefold cord that is not easily broken, the potential for a vital and fulfilling union is at its height.

Transforming oneself in relation to one’s spouse is the ultimate grind- stone (differentiation process) upon which marriage is sharpened. Each spouse is chal lenged to round off the rough edges and fill out the f lat sides in order to make a more complete whole.

Marriage is full of wondrous possibilities, but it can be a grueling pro- cess as well. Heartache and disappointment will be part of the refining process of living and loving in relationship. Hesitation about keeping covenant and fears about establishing close ness can hinder each spouse

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

M a r i t a l S e x u a l i t y 1 8 3

and the couple from reaching the possibili ties described in the first para- graph.

It takes courage to proceed in the direction of “two becoming one,” for it takes determination to keep the best interest of one’s spouse and the relationship in the forefront. The human tendency is to protect oneself from the vulnerability it takes to become emotionally and sexually inter- dependent. In fact, it is easy to become discouraged and hopeless about the marital relationship.

In chapter four we presented a biblical basis for understanding how one is to be a sexual being in relationship. In this chapter we build upon the theological foundation presented there, suggesting that the relationality found in the Holy Trinity is meant to be mirrored in marriage.

Ray Anderson (2004) has suggested that in Adam and Eve’s human encounter as man and women, as well as in their distinctive task of being a man or a woman of God, they affirm the divine image. A similar sugges- tion is given by Stanley Grenz (1990:47) when he states that “the creation narratives in Genesis 1 and 2 provide a hint that the plurality of human- ity as male and female is to be viewed as an expression of a foundational plurality within the unity of the divine reality.”

Colin Gunton observes that “Adam can find no true fellow creature among the animals, none that will enable him truly to be himself. It is only when he can rejoice in the fellowship with one who is a true other- in-relation that he is able to transcend the merely individual state that is a denial of human fullness” (1993:216).

For a couple to reflect the image of God means to become part of a re- lationship unity, without giving up unique identity. Unity does not mean one spouse is absorbed by the other. Marriage is a sanctifying process where each spouse strives for unity in the presence of the unique dif- ferences of each. The ideal for each marriage relationship is that it joins together two persons as one, yet respects the uniqueness of each person as a separate being.

The trinitarian model for marriage comports well with David Schnarch’s description of martial sexuality in his book The Passionate Marriage (1997). Schnarch believes that a deep sexual encounter is pos- sible only between two fully differentiated mature persons. Sex is not for the young, he asserts, because youth rarely possess a mature differentiated sense of who they are. Without a solid differentiated self, a person has dif-

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

1 8 4 A u t h e n t i c H u m a n S e x u a l i t y

ficulty engaging with a partner without either trying to engulf the other or staying distant out of a fear of being engulfed by the other. Thus, he reasons, most people settle for much less in their sexual relationships.

The less that most people settle for is body-centered sex rather than person-centered sex. In person-centered sex, one is intimately and emo- tionally engaged with the other in a way that creates a deep connection and interdependence. In contrast to this, body-centered sex involves be- ing engaged with the other for the mere pleasure one gains from the encounter. Though passion and pleasure are important aspects of a sexual engagement, vital sex is so much more than a bodily release expressed through an orgasm.

Schnarch (1997) asks challenging questions: Do persons really see each other during the sexual encounter? Or are they simply going through the motions that bring bodily pleasure? Person-centered sex is the ability to see and respond to the other person in mutually engaging ways. It is an en- counter “eye to eye,” and “I” to “I,” and “I-Thou.” Unfortunately, according to Schnarch, most people lack the mature differentiation to engage in this meaningful personal-centered sex.

In the giving and receiving of two whole selves, spouses reach the deep- est levels of knowing and being known. They are vulnerable as they open themselves up to each other during the sexual engagement. Differentiated persons have the capacity to lose themselves in each other’s embrace— without fear of being absorbed by the other. Here they find a mysterious one-flesh unity of body, spirit and soul.

nO mOre luSter in Our lOve liFe Not long ago a married couple in their forties came to talk to us at the close of a marital sexuality workshop. They were rather hesitant at first, but then the wife blurted out their frustration: “Sex for us is like drink- ing day-old soda with the fizz gone out of it. Can you help us get the passion back into our marriage that we once had?” Unfortunately, this is a common complaint about the sex life of more than a few mar ried cou- ples. Ironically, when you ask married couples about their courting days, you often hear about the struggles they went through trying to control the fiery passion they felt for each other. But ten, twenty or thirty years later, the fire seems to have fizzled away.

One of the comical scenes in the 1992 film Fried Green Tomatoes cen-

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

M a r i t a l S e x u a l i t y 1 8 5

tered on the attempts of a bored, sexually frustrated housewife trying to rekindle passion in her marriage. After fixing a scrumptious meal, she sets a beautiful table with scented candles, their best china and crystal. She turns down the lights, anticipating her husband’s delight with this roman- tic atmosphere after a long day at the office. As a final touch, she dresses herself in Saran Wrap to meet him at the door. When she opens the door to greet him, he takes one look at her, gasps in disbelief and screams, “For crying out loud, Kathy, have you gone mad? Get out of that silly outfit and let’s eat.” Her bubble is burst; she feels his rejec tion and wearily goes back to the complacency of the way things were.

Fortunately, marital sex doesn’t have to be this way! We believe that it is not only possible for a couple to rediscover sexual passion but also to increase the capacity for deeper levels of emotional and sexual fulfillment. The trouble is that many couples have accepted a com fortable blandness in their sex lives, thinking that this is the way married sex is supposed to be. When they notice the sexual energy proudly displayed by young couples in public, they think to them selves, Just wait a few years; it won’t last. Or when they hear an older couple speak about sexual passion in their mar- riage, they roll their eyes in disbelief, doubting that it is possible.

God created humans with the capacity for intimate, passionate sex throughout their married life. However, only a “blessed few” reach a ma- ture sexual experience, says David Schnarch in The Passionate Marriage (1997). Can one maintain passionate sex? The answer lies in recapturing, or perhaps capturing for the first time, the essence of a profoundly mean- ingful sexual relationship as God fully intended it to be.

The recent survey conducted by researchers from the University of Chi- cago (Laumann et al. 1994) found that those in monogamous marriages not only had sex more often but enjoyed it more than any other group in their study. Though a third of the married couples reported having sex two to three times a month, nearly 40 percent of the married couples had sex two to three times a week, with the great majority saying they enjoyed orgasm as a part of their lovemaking experience. Marital commitment proved to be extremely important to these couples, and the vast majority had been faithful to their partner. This should not surprise us!

Authentic sexual expression based on covenant, gracing and empower- ing principles is most likely to occur in a long-term committed relation- ship. Based on our model of sexual relationship presented in chapter four

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

1 8 6 A u t h e n t i c H u m a n S e x u a l i t y

(covenant, grace, empowerment, inti macy), we look at the factors impor- tant in achieving a high level of marital sexual fulfillment.

Marital sexual fulfillment will be high when there is • a high level of covenant commitment between spouses, • a low level of conditional relating between spouses, • a high level of mutual acceptance between spouses, • a low level of shaming and blaming between spouses, • a high level of differentiation between spouses, • a low level of spousal fusion and overdependency, • a high level of emotional intimacy between spouses, and • a low level of emotional distance between spouses.

cOvenant eStaBliSheS truSt The permanence of lifelong covenant commitment establishes a solid foundation for a relationship as demanding as marriage. Each spouse brings unique strengths as well as human frailties as they pledge to put the priority on the relationship. In this holy marital covenant, spouses have the profound opportunity to know themselves more fully (identity) so they can share themselves more deeply (intimacy). In the vulnerability of the sexual relationship, spouses are learning to be in tune with themselves, their partner and the relationship unity. The role of marital sexuality is to energize the marital bond of respect, trust and intimacy.

A sexual principle based on covenant is that the more secure a cou ple is in the relationship, the more complete and satisfying is the sexual re- sponse. Shere Hite (2006) reports that women consistently say that they are most able to invest themselves sexually in a lifelong, monog amous re- lationship. When security is lacking, emotional restriction hampers their sexual responsiveness. Women who find their husband untrustworthy or fear being rejected or abandoned by him are less willing to give themselves sexually. This same survey also found that men benefit from a covenant commitment. They report feeling warm, secure and affirmed in their masculinity during sex with their spouse. These relationship themes of security and trust bring authenticity to the sexual act.

An Old Testament view of person-centered passion comes from the Song of Songs. The focus of the love is mutual: “I am my beloved’s and

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

M a r i t a l S e x u a l i t y 1 8 7

my beloved is mine” (Song 6:3 nrsv). This unreserved expression of love bursts forth out of confidence in the person and the relationship. The pleasuring principle in marital sex involves a mutual giving and receiving that takes place between two lovers. The greater the sensory pleasuring in a relationship, the greater the sexual adequacy. Person-centered sexual passion opens the lovers up to each other emotionally as well as bodily through expressions of touch and talk during the lovemaking. The lyr- ics of a popular country and Western song express this principle in the vernacular: “I want a man with a slow hand, I want a lover with an easy touch.” Authentic sexual expression is about the tender touching that communicates affection, desire, warmth and excitement. As evident in the great love scenes throughout the Song of Songs, the couple delights in the erotic passion they have for one another. Sexual exclusivity, according to Waite and Joyner (2001), is related to emotional satisfaction in marriage for both women and men.

gr ace eStaBliSheS accePtance While covenant provides security, grace establishes an atmosphere in which spouses can reach their full potential. Accepting a spouse just as he or she is means accepting his or her sexual value system. The personal value system determines the spouse’s unique way of being a sexual per son. Having deep regard and respect for a spouse’s sexual value system is to have deep regard and respect for the spouse. A desire to know the spouse deeply includes a willingness to know about that person’s hurts, failures and pains as well as successes, rewards and victories. Personal preferences about the sexual relationship must be understood in light of the beliefs, values and emotions that underlie them.

Sexual attitudes and values are developed through early childhood ex- periences and learned from the family, church and society. An important aspect of marital growth has to do with a couple’s ability to attend to and grapple with differences. For instance, if either spouse is uncomfortable with some aspect of their sexual relationship, it is imperative that they can speak about their differences without being judged or feeling ashamed. Labels like “prudish” or “overly sexed” have no place in this discussion, for such responses only serve to undermine and condemn.

Acceptance allows the couple to determine what is right for each spouse as well as what is right for the relationship at any particular stage in the

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

1 8 8 A u t h e n t i c H u m a n S e x u a l i t y

marriage. For example, after partners listen carefully to each other and honor their different value systems, sometimes a spouse will relinquish a sexual request for the sake of the other, while at other times a spouse will reevaluate and stretch beyond a comfort zone for the other’s sake. The key is that both spouses are working for the good of the relationship to- ward a loving resolution. The gracing attitude helps the spouses see their differences as an opportunity for growth. Putting the priority on grace, differences become paths of deeper understanding that enhance sexual connections.

Another aspect of grace is forgiveness. Rather than trying to per suade a spouse or hold grudges, mercy softens the sharp edges of dif ferences. Mis- understandings and blunders that are part of every human relationship need to be forgiven so the couple can move on to better places. Undoubt- edly, spouses will fail each other in a number of ways in the marriage, for no relationship is ever perfect! Each spouse will disappoint, offend and make mistakes in the sexual arena, which will be hurtful. One spouse, for example, may feel rejected when the other fails to respond to a sexual invitation. Circumstances like busy schedules, young children, hormonal changes, illness and work will sometimes inhibit or alter sexual interest.

Grace is needed on a daily basis to bring restora tion after disappoint- ments occur. Those who have experienced trau matic sexual events in their past may struggle in various ways with the sexual relationship. Such situa- tions require extraordinary understand ing because of the seriousness of the violation. It takes time for sexual wholeness to be restored in such circum- stances. Grace is the environ ment that helps heal those painful wounds.

emPOWering eStaBliSheS POtential The model of two becoming one flesh does not eradicate the individ- ual. An individual spouse actually becomes even more defined through self-discovery in the context of the sexual relationship. Behind the “Two are better than one” model is the idea that two independent per sons have unique strengths to offer the relationship, which gives a potential that is not possible in isolation. A sufficient self gives each spouse an increased capacity to express and clarify sexual desires or values in a way that en- hances the marriage. Without two separate identities, mutual interdepen- dence is impossible. Some hold to the false notion that fusion is the ideal, as in saying, “I can’t do it without you, and I must lean on you to be

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

M a r i t a l S e x u a l i t y 1 8 9

strong.” Two spouses who are hanging on to each other for dear life have no solid ground on which to stand. Strength is multiplied by two when each spouse stands on their own feet as they empower each other by work- ing in tandem.

An empowering principle of marital sex is mutuality. This idea is con- veyed in 1 Corinthians 7:4-5: “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one an- other except perhaps by agreement for a set time, to devote yourselves to prayer; and then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (nrsv).

This passage acknowledges that each spouse has a separate body with separate sexual desires, and therefore they must be able to work out a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. Paul holds up full mutuality as the highest ideal in marital sexuality. Each spouse is encouraged to express personal preferences as well as acknowledge the desires of their spouse. It’s not a matter of either spouse acting only out of their needs, but of finding ways to incorporate the needs of their spouse as well. One does not act simply out of personal needs and must recognize the need to find mutual resolve. The words “by agreement” are translated from the Greek word symphōnon, using the same root from which symphony is derived. The idea is to be of “one voice,” “out of reverence for Christ” (Eph 5:21).

Authentic marital sexuality is best achieved when spouses engage each other out of mutual desire. There is no place for the misguided idea that the husband initiates while the wife acquiesces. Marital sexu ality is to be char- acterized by mutual regard for the other, for oneself and for the relationship. Just as the orchestra makes harmonious music when each instrument con- tributes its own unique part, so the married couple reaches sexual harmony through personal expression of sexual interest and mutual consumation.

Some couples succumb to a give-to-get sexual exchange, striving to maximize personal gain. Each gives with the underlying expectation of gaining a return on what has been given. We believe this idea is contrary to a biblical view of marital empowerment. A give-to-get model focuses on power issues in a relationship. Spouses with less interest in sex can eas- ily control the sexual relationship by withholding sex, just as the spouses with more interest in sex can be coercive in try ing to get what they believe they deserve.

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

1 9 0 A u t h e n t i c H u m a n S e x u a l i t y

Control and sexual fulfillment are at basic odds with each other. Sexual fulfillment comes out of desiring and being desired. When one spouse freely expresses desire as an invitation rather than a demand, there is great joy when the partner responds. It is completely unaccept able for a spouse to respond out of obligation or duty, because this leaves the initiator emo- tionally bankrupt. There is little satisfaction if a spouse responds only because he or she cannot say no. The pleasure and emotional satisfaction comes when one knows the response is out of choice, true desire and love. Here, spouses make room in themselves for the partner and join freely into a union of mutual exchange. Empowering love comes out of vulnerability and strength, rather than out of control and weakness. The empowering principle seeks the full potential of each spouse through a synchronous rhythm of interaction and interde pendence.

intimacy eStaBliSheS cOnnectiOn Finally, sexual intimacy deepens connection and understanding of one’s personal sexuality. Sexual disclosure and vulnerability open spouses up to deeper self-knowledge. The ability to know and be known as spouses requires an emotional and sexual exposure in which intimacy f lourishes.

“Men want sex! Women want intimacy!” The common notion is debat- able that men experience intimacy through sex, while women experience inti macy through emotional closeness. Certainly, many men enjoy emo- tional intimacy and many women enjoy sexual intimacy. However, though this may not be the whole truth, there seems to be a tendency in this di- rection. We believe that every couple must find a balance between these two dimensions of intimacy in order to blend them in mutually satisfying ways. Women may need to stretch them selves in sexual areas; men need to challenge themselves in the emotional dimension.

When emotional security is lacking, the sexual appetite usually deteri- orates; and when the sexual relationship is lacking, the emotional connec- tion diminishes. A paper by Duncombe and Marsden (1994) investigated attempts that partners make to sustain their sexual rela tionship. They rec- ognized that today’s women refuse to fake orgasms to make their spouses feel good, which means it is more difficult to keep up the illusion that the marriage is fulfilling when it is not. The authors suggest that taking intentional steps to keep sexual and emotional inti macy alive in marriage increases the likelihood of mutual satisfaction. A couple can have the best

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

M a r i t a l S e x u a l i t y 1 9 1

of both worlds by attending to both aspects of intimacy. The erotic en- ergy moves spouses toward deep emotional connection, which enhances erotic expression. When women take greater responsibility for their sexual satisfaction and men make a stronger link between sexual and emotional intimacy, they say yes to couple intimacy.

Sexuality and spirituality are closely linked to couple intimacy. Ac- cording to Paul Ricoeur, eros expressed with tenderness and fidelity leads to spiritual fulfillment (1994:73). Eros has creative power for harmony in marriage, for it brings understanding and lessens the effect of differences. Ricoeur believes that many people fear the “yes” to their deepest sexual and emotional cravings. Yet, these cravings call people to accountability to bring their life into accordance with their desires. In acknowledging the cravings, a person is able to choose mutual gratification and enjoyment (1994:80-84).

In the last thirty years the market has been flooded with material on how to enhance the sexual relationship. Perusing the many books on mar- ital sexuality at any well-stocked bookstore will reveal the extent to which couples are interested in improving their sex lives. Though the informa- tion for the most part is helpful, we have a nagging suspicion that most approaches focus far too much on the mechanics of sex. Pick up any one of these books, and you will find an emphasis on technique. Based on our technologically oriented society, these books presume that the correct technique is the answer to most problems. To make an analogy, while we would all agree that the secret of maintaining a high-performance auto- mobile is to keep it tuned up in accordance with the automobile manual, human beings are certainly much more com plex than a machine.

Good marital sex, we believe, is much more an art than a science. We compare it to playing music or painting a work of art. The ability to com- plete a paint-by-number picture by matching the numbered paint colors with the numbered areas on the canvas may produce a multicolored land- scape, but most of us would find it less than aesthetically pleasing. Unfor- tunately, instructing couples on strategies to improve the sexual relation- ship is often given with a sex-by-number mentality.

Some sex manuals present page after page of illustrations depicting dif- ferent positions that are supposed to enhance sexual pleasure. Reducing sex to body maneuvers often leaves a couple puzzled about just how to get their bodies into those complex contortions. In addi tion, when disil-

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

1 9 2 A u t h e n t i c H u m a n S e x u a l i t y

lusioned or dissatisfied with how things are going in the sexual relation- ship, it is now possible to blame a spouse for not get ting the technique right. Imagine, if you will, a couple in one of those incredibly challenging sexual positions. With sex manual in hand, the husband gazes intently at the illustration they are trying to manage. At the most inopportune time, his wife makes an unnerving comment, “You’d better turn back a page, Sam. You must have missed something because this isn’t doing a thing for me!”

Person-centered sex is so much more than technique! It involves the meaning of the sexual connection for the two individuals who are giv ing themselves to each other. Their sexual expression tells a story of their love for each other. It is about the mystery of these two unique persons who invited each other to participate in a mutually responsive union. This bold action of giving oneself and receiving the other is an exciting interaction that maximizes emotional and sexual intimacy.

cOmmOn Sexual StruggleS A national sample of 6,029 married persons revealed that 16 percent of the married couples surveyed had been sexually inactive during the month before the interview. Factors that predicted the sexual inactiv ity in these couples were unhappiness with the marital relationship, lack of shared activity, increased age and poor health. The researcher concluded that the lack of sexual activity is often a danger signal for married couples (Don- nelly 1993). The University of Chicago research team (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael and Michaels 1994) found that while 75 percent of the married women said they usually reached and enjoyed orgasm during sex, there were significant variations in spouses when it came to sex ual frequency and preferences regarding sexual activities. Every couple has to work out conflicts in their marital relationship, and sexual dis agreements are part of that struggle. Resolving differences in the fol lowing common struggles in the sexual relationship will make a difference in the marriage.

Keeping the sexual relationship vital. If evidence from advice columns is to be trusted, then many married couples struggle to keep sex vital in their marriage. Ann Lander’s asked, “Has your sex life gone downhill after mar- riage? If so, why?” In response she received over 140,000 replies, with 80 percent indicating that sex after marriage was less exciting. The adjectives most used to describe marital sex were boring, dull, monotonous and rou-

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

M a r i t a l S e x u a l i t y 1 9 3

tine (as reported by Cox 2002:245). Sex therapists Cliff and Joyce Penner (2003) advise couples to keep sex alive and exciting through creativity, inventiveness, fun-loving activities, and openness to new experiences. The question of keeping vitality in the sexual relationship sometimes centers on the question of who initiates sex. This is a crucial point, not just about wanting to satisfy sexual desire but about having feelings about being de- sired as a per son. Some have said that the most important sex organ is the brain, since the mind has more to do with sexual response than the body. To become sexually aroused, the spouse must be in tune with and able to receive the signals that come into the brain so the body will respond. If the mind is saturated with worries, commitments and responsibilities, it easily can prohibit sexual thoughts from entering in.

Sexual desire is not an automatic response, but one that takes purpose- ful action. While all couples have periodic difficulty with sexual arousal due to external pressures, regular sexual activity is generally conducive to keeping this aspect of married life alive. Each spouse must be intentional in finding ways to get in touch with the sexual side and stay tuned into the sexual aspect of the marriage. Taking time out from a busy schedule to relax, having some moments of quiet conver sation together as a couple, or spending some time in each other’s arms while listening to music or watching a movie—this is often enough to put the spouses in a responsive, receptive mood. Each spouse, as well as the couple together, is responsible for putting a priority on the emotional and physical connection, which enhances sexual readiness.

Unresolved conflicts. Some spouses have difficulty being sexually in- timate because of significant unresolved conflicts in the marriage. In a study of couples in their first years of marriage, it was found that ten sion had a negative impact on sexual satisfaction (Henderson-King and Veroff 1994). Sex can become a power struggle in which one spouse refuses the other sexually or manipulates in order to gain an advantage over the other. For example, a wife who wants to have a baby may seduce her husband into having sex without using birth con trol. Or the husband may withhold sexual intercourse because he does not want to risk a pregnancy. Whatever the conflicts, they can become a battleground on the sex field. When sex is used as a bargaining tool or weapon to punish, express anger or gain power, intimacy is sabo taged. The point is, conflict and misuse of power are major barriers to intimate sex. In well-functioning marriages, spouses

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

1 9 4 A u t h e n t i c H u m a n S e x u a l i t y

are able to work out conflicts without carrying them into the marriage bed.

Sexual ebb and flow. The mutual active enjoyment of being erot ically attracted to and stimulated by a spouse is ego gratifying and empowering. There certainly will be natural times of ebb and flow in sexual arousal and desire in any marriage. Jobs, combined with child-caring responsi- bilities, household tasks, hormonal f luxuation, and health problems, tend to diminish sexual responsiveness. The wife who works at an office all day, fixes the evening meal and cares for the children until bedtime is not likely to have much sexual energy when she f lops into bed dead tired. The husband who works long hours on a demanding job and spends the eve- ning helping his son with homework and getting the laundry done while worrying about a report that is due the next day will also be depleted and may lack sexual energy.

Dry spells require patience, restraint and support. Good sexual func- tioning takes time, energy and commitment. Couples who recognize these dry spells and adapt to the particular life circumstances will be better able to maintain their relationship through the ebb and flow. Then, when they have weathered the dry spell, they will avail themselves of the lush and fruitful season.

Diminished sexual desire. A problem far more acute for married couples than regulating ebb and flow is low desire for sex, sometimes referred to as diminished sexual desire. This common problem reported by married couples is complex but undoubtedly has a profound impact on the couple. Whether the lack of interest has to do with hormonal factors, physical or mental illness, use of medication, psychological stressors or problems, the formerly positive aspect of coming together sexually now becomes a nega- tive in their life.

Perhaps it would be good to acknowledge some common desire dif- ferences between men and women. Baumeister (2000) found women’s sexuality to be more f lexible, variable and responsive to social norms and settings than men’s. The typical male model of desire-arousal-orgasm is inadequate for most women. Women’s desire is more connected with believing their partner desires them as a person, not just as a means of sexual release. So, when a woman gives herself out of commitment rather than personal desire, something is lacking for both spouses. Though it may certainly be an appropriate response from time to time, it is certainly

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

M a r i t a l S e x u a l i t y 1 9 5

less gratifying for the couple overall. Indeed, the encounter becomes less person-centered and more a relationship commitment response.

Differentiation promises to help spouses give and receive in person- centered ways that enhance unity. Mutually desiring and being desired is what drives the relationship dynamic of person-centered sex. Even when there are physical reasons for diminished desire, the desire for touch connnection and engagement is the more important aspect of the love- making. When the couple keeps a quality sex life, it is less about frequency than about enjoying intimate connection. McCarthy, Ginsberg and Fucito (2006:59) encourage couples to establish resilent sexual desire by empha- sizing the importance of a person-centered sexuality that includes a vast array of activities, such as expressions of intimacy, pleasure, satisfaction and realistic sexual experiences.

Good sex makes a positive contribution to marriage, and conversely bad sex has a detrimental impact. McCarthy (1999:1) reports that “when sexuality functions well in a marriage, it’s a positive, integral component, contributing 15-20% to the marital bond. However, when sexuality is dys- functional or non-existent it plays an inordinately powerful role, 50-75%, robbing the marriage of intimacy and vitality.”

Anxiety about lack of sexual interest in both men and women leads to self-consciousness, guilt, shame, low self-esteem and fear. Unfortunately, most spouses fail to deal directly with this problem, keeping silent about their feelings and avoiding sexual overtones at all costs. Fear about re- peated physcial failure and desire keeps the anxiety cycle going.

A person-centered honest discussion about feelings, fears and the im- pact on the relationship is what is needed. When spouses are vulnerable with each other, expressing their fears and struggles, then there is poten- tial for understanding, change and relationship action.

Feeling neglected as a spouse. In a study of couples in their first years of marriage, researchers found that affirmation was associated with sex- ual satisfaction (Henderson-King and Veroff 1994). A study of Korean American couples found that higher levels of self-esteem, positive regard, communication and cohesion were all associated with sexual sat isfaction (Song, Bergen and Schumm 1995).

Both men and women need affirmation from their partner and com- plain when they feel neglected. In the busyness of life it is often the couple’s relationship that becomes neglected. Keeping alert to a spouse’s needs,

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

1 9 6 A u t h e n t i c H u m a n S e x u a l i t y

moods, emotions, thoughts and desires in nonsexual ways can combat some of this feeling of neglect.

Planning creative ways to enhance the relationship through weekly dates, spontaneous lunch meetings or weekends at the beach or moun- tains will go a long way in helping a couple reconnect. Writing down small requests or desires that the partner can respond to each day will help spouses feel appreciated. These actions of care keep spouses in tune with each other’s wishes. Taking time to communicate verbally and nonverbally through expressions of affection and understand ing will go a long way in showing the per son that he or she is valued. Covenant vows include reach- ing out and staying in touch with the one you love.

Infertility. Approximately one out of five married couples have infer tility problems at some point in their relationship. Infertility can negatively af- fect a couple’s sex life due to the invasiveness of the medical professional, scheduled intercourse times, and sex becoming a means to an end, all be- ing constant reminders of the couple’s infertility (Magnacca 2004). These are painful issues for the couple to overcome. Support groups have been especially helpful to couples in this situation. Sharing these circumstances with others who are going through a similar struggle forms a caring com- munity of compassion and hope.

Boredom. Sexual routines quickly become ruts of dissatisfaction. Bore- dom with sex is a complaint that can not be addressed unless a couple is willing to talk about the problem and make the needed changes. Talking about sexual dissatisfaction is one of the more difficult areas of communi- cation, yet it is crucial that couples periodically talk together about these feelings. Being open and honest is the pathway to discovering positive steps that will increase couple satisfaction. Working together to keep the sexual relationship fresh and alive is well worth the time.

Sexuality is often enhanced by an element of playfulness. The sexual rela tionship benefits from enjoyable, uninhibited interaction. The ability to be spontaneous indicates a certain comfort with sexual passion just as self-consciousness inhibits free expression. Ritualized structure can stif le the person-centered process of lovers engaging each other through the sexual interaction. Being authentically differentiated means spouses need not put on pretenses or make a production out of sex, but can respond to the partner’s invitation to try new things.

Communication. Intimacy is communicated in a number of ways:

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

M a r i t a l S e x u a l i t y 1 9 7

through body language, overt physical behavior, symbolic gestures, and oral and written language. Spouses can also communicate a lack of inter- est by refusing to participate in an activity, turning silent or neglecting an important event. Love can be expressed through a letter, poem or song. Judy cherishes the love poems Jack has written to her throughout their marriage, although they are disastrous as poetic art forms. Our eyes, lips, face, posture and general body movement do a great deal to express our sexual and emotional feel ings. Some find it easy to use words, while oth- ers express their feelings through actions. A partner’s body language can also give ambiguous messages that result in misinterpre tation and misun- derstanding.

A couple communicates sexual feelings and desires both verbally and nonverbally. The question is whether the partner picks up on it. It is im- portant to let the spouse know what one desires sexually. There is no room for a guessing game. If a particular kind of touch inhibits rather than stimulates plea sure, it is crucial to let the spouse know. Although sexual desire can be communicated in nonverbal ways, verbal communication ensures that partners do their best to attend to the sexual requests. Guid- ing each other through touch and short words of encouragement during love making is a good way to care for the sexual relationship.

Spectatoring. A common problem for couples is taking on the role of “spectator” in the sexual event. This occurs when either partner removes themselves mentally during coitus in order to observe what is happening from the outside. Like being a spectator rather than a participant in a sports event, the spouse gets lost in their head rather than being part of it. Unfortu nately, when the partner loses the lover, the love gets lost as well.

Spectatoring sometimes occurs because a spouse is overly con cerned about her or his performance as a lover. Being self-conscious about how one is doing as a lover often places more anxiety on that person. Invariably it becomes a self-defeating activity because it reduces the interactional aspect to a minimum.

In authentic sexual encounters the couple allows natural feelings, in- clinations and actions to be part of the creative process between them. Seeing and sensing the partner gives important cues about how to move in harmony with one’s partner. When spouses are passionately involved with each other in the act of coitus, there is no time to evaluate how they are doing because they are totally invested in the moment. In the presence

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.

C op

yr ig

ht ©

2 00

1. In

te rV

ar si

ty P

re ss

. A ll

rig ht

s re

se rv

ed .

1 9 8 A u t h e n t i c H u m a n S e x u a l i t y

of each other, the erotic dance of love happens between two people who are both acutely aware of and lost to each other in the mutual passion of giving and receiving. It is a fantastic and sacred adventure.

Summary Monogamous, lifelong marriage has always been the ideal context for au- thentic sexuality. When covenant love permeates every aspect of life, it permeates marital sexuality as well. When grace offers acceptance and forgiveness, we can freely accept ourselves and each other sexually. When mutual empowerment leads to mature differentiation, our relationship in- terdependence and sexual unity becomes a reality. When we are vulerable and open to each other, our sexual intimacy deepens. As Christians, our relationship purpose is deeply embedded in our marital and sexual rela- tionship. Our lifelong goal is to reflect the meaning and richness of our God-given sexuality.

In a lovely article titled “Sleeping Like Spoons,” John Milhaven ex- plains how the familiar gesture of curling up next to his wife moves him: “The resistance goes out of me. The bed has my full weight on it. The nothingness of sleep has my full weight on it. All of me falls. Nothing holds back. . . . It is a blissful giving way by bodily self to itself. A sweet- ness of complete relaxing, of luxurious let ting go of muscles, skins, nerves, and all. An effortless, sensuous shed ding of all concerns, worries, even thoughts. . . . As I slope down with Julie to sleep, thoughts f loat off. I don’t think, I enjoy” (Nelson and Longfellow 1994:88).

Why is falling to sleep in the arms of a spouse such an appealing pic- ture? It’s the comfort of being known, accepted and loved by one who is committed to you. And when two lie together, they keep each other warm, for two is better than one. In this place one can be in touch with the hidden parts of oneself. This safe haven is a place where fears do not penetrate. Two wrapped together in bodily trust is what inti macy is all about. The marital relationship is not just a refining crucible of growth but also a comforting container of trust. Sleeping like spoons is what mar- ital emotional and sexual intimacy is all about. Being part of a mysterious one-flesh union leaves a sense of well-being in one’s soul.

FOr Further reading Penner, C., and J. Penner. 2003. The gift of sex: A guide to sexual fullfill-

Balswick, Judith K., and Jack O. Balswick. Authentic Human Sexuality : An Integrated Christian Approach, InterVarsity Press, 2001. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=3316493. Created from liberty on 2017-11-14 06:52:38.