Static evaluation in interpersonal communication

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INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION: Building Connections Together puts students in the center of interpersonal communication by …

ACTIVELY engaging students by appealing to their interests in popular culture, media, and technology. SHOWING students how online connections affect the media generation and the dynamics of the interpersonal experience. PROVIDING abundant opportunities for students to actively apply and practice what they are learning. EXPLORING how gender and culture influence interaction. SHEDDING NEW LIGHT on the everyday interactions and relationships of students.

This text uses an applied approach and an interactive style to engage students. Every chapter considers how media and technology affect the dynamics of relationships and self-expression. The authors also focus on diversity and developing cultural understanding through explorations in every chapter of how gender and culture help shape experiences of interpersonal communication.

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION: Building Connections Together puts students in the center of interpersonal communication through abundant interactive pedagogical features throughout the text, including:

Learning Objectives

What Do You Know?

“I liked how it had a true/false section in the beginning of the chapter so you can see what you know before you even read the chapter.”

—Margaret Rountree, Student Old Dominion University

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“The ‘What Do You Know’ sections are excellent because they provide a framework for students to read the chapter. It helps them determine what is most important.”

—Todd Lee Goen, Professor Christopher Newport University

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Try This

“My favorite feature is ‘Try This.’” —Wayne Thomas, Student

Old Dominion University

“I really like the ‘Try This’ because it provides instant ability for students to put into action what they are reading about in the text. Application is often the best way to learn so this is an awesome addition.”

—Christa Tess Kalk, Professor Minneapolis Community & Technical College

“The ‘Try This’ sections really seemed to spark some good discussion in the class. This allowed students to see their communication as effective or ineffective, appropriate or inappropriate, and allowed them to look inward. It gave them a chance to reflect on how/why they experience difficulties in relationships and how they can better approach conflict.”

— Lee Lavery, Professor Ivy Tech Community College

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.......INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION: Building Connections Together puts students in the center of interpersonal communication through abundant interactive pedagogical features throughout the text, including:

Analyze This

ANALYZE THIS: Edward de Bono

Edward de Bono is a physician and leading authority on creative thinking. What does the following excerpt from de Bono’s I Am Right—You Are Wrong suggest about how the Japanese handle conflict?

Every day the leading executives in the Japanese motor industry meet for lunch in their special club. They discuss problems common to the whole motor industry. But a soon as lunch is over and they step over the threshold of the club, out into the street, they are bitter enemies seeking to kill each other’s business by marketing, technical changes, pricing policy, etc. For the Japanese, who do not have the tradition of Western logic, there is no contradiction at all between “friend” and “enemy.” They find it easy to conceive of someone as a friend–enemy or enemy–friend.

SOURCE: Edward de Bono, I Am Right—You Are Wrong, New York: Viking, 1991, p. 196.

Reflect on This

“…so many opportunities to really engage learning throughout the chapter with reflection questions, application ideas, etc. Excellent!”

—Christa Tess Kalk, Professor Minneapolis Community & Technical College

REFLECT ON THIS: The Cell Effect

Researcher Noelle Chesley wanted to find out if the time people spent on cell-phones enhanced or detracted from their overall feelings of happiness. To answer the question, Chesley surveyed more than

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1,200 adults, concluding that a correlation existed: the more time individuals spent on cell-phones the less happy and less satisfied they became with their family relationships. Chesley attributed this, at least in part, to the work lives of people spilling over into their personal lives and causing stress at home.

Consider these questions:

1. Do your experiences confirm Chesley’s findings? Does time spent on your cell stress the relationships you share with people important to you, perhaps because you divide your attention, with less attention being paid to the person(s) with you?

2. Do you think Chesley would have found the same results if she had studied the time we spend on tablets or computers? Explain your answer.

3. What recommendations can you offer for alleviating such relationship stressors? For example, would you expect others to abide by rules specifying when to use cell phones or other digital tools?

Source: Noelle Chesley, “Blurring Boundaries? Linking Technology Use, Spillover, Individual Distress, and Family Satisfaction.” Journal of Marriage and Family, 67, 2005, p. 1237–1238.

and with even more pedagogy like: • Sections in every chapter which focus on Gender, Culture,

Media, and Technology • Connect the Case feature ends chapter with a case study for

further application • SAGE Original Interpersonal Communication Scenario Videos • Review This section at the end of each chapter including a

• Chapter Summary • Chapter Review • Check Your Understanding • Check Your Skills • Key Terms • SAGE Student Study Site Details

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FREE AND OPEN-ACCESS STUDENT SITE

“SAGE’s free and open-access site will be the biggest draw for all of those tools since many online accompanying tools usually cost students quite a bit extra. The flashcards and study questions would draw my personal interest the most.”

—Lyndsi Earle, Student Old Dominion University

SAGE provides comprehensive and free online resources at sagepub.com.gambleic designed to support and enhance both instructors’ and students’ experiences.

Students maximize their understanding of introduction to interpersonal communication through the free, open-access Student Study Site.

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STUDENT RESOURCES INCLUDE:

• SAGE Journal Articles

• SAGE Original Videos

• Web resources

• eFlashcards

• Web quizzes

• Study questions

• Social media guidelines

• Video resources

• Self-assessment quizzes

PASSWORD-PROTECTED INSTRUCTOR TEACHING SITE

Strikes a never-before-seen balance between general education goals AND preparation for Communication majors (links to journal articles in Communication are a major plus).”

—Kathleen Glenister Roberts, Professor

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Duquesne University

SAGE provides comprehensive and free online resources at sagepub.com.gambleic designed to support and enhance both instructors’ and students’ experiences.

Instructors benefit from access to the password-protected Instructor Teaching Site.

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INSTRUCTOR RESOURCES INCLUDE:

• Test bank

• PowerPoint slides

• Sample syllabi

• Class assignments

• Video resources

• Web resources

• SAGE WATCH THIS scenario videos and video links

• SAGE Journal Articles with articles for every chapter (includes information on how to read and critique a journal article)

• Social media guidelines

.......INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION: Building Connections Together puts students in the center of interpersonal communication by asking them what they think of our text. Here is what they are saying:

WRITING STYLE AND RELATABILITY

“The writing was really easy to comprehend. I really like all the self- assessments. After taking all the self-assessments I could learn a little bit more about myself.”

—Juliana Pires, Student Old Dominion University

“The text is user-friendly, seems to be geared toward an introductory student level, and offers real-life examples that promote understanding/application.”

—Lee Lavery, Professor Ivy Tech Community College

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“My favorite chapter was the constructive communication behaviors, and it has helped me by teaching me about the role reversal technique, which I didn’t know about before—it will allow me to see the other person’s side more clearly.”

—Gabriel Lopez, Student Old Dominion University

ACTIVITIES, ASSESSMENTS, AND FEATURES

“I really liked the GUIDELINES FOR RESOLVING CONFLICT because having the proper knowledge to resolve conflicts can help us to improve our interpersonal skills and communicate better with people, avoiding problems.”

—Rosario Villagra, Student Old Dominion University

“The activities give a better idea of a complex subject. The way the information is written and laid out is simple to understand and involves the reader more. I liked how it had a true/false section in the beginning of the chapter so you can see what you know before you even read the chapter.”

—Margaret Rountree, Student Old Dominion University

“The nonverbal chapter is the best I’ve seen.” —Todd Lee Goen, Professor

Christopher Newport University

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OVERALL TEXTBOOK EXPERIENCE

“…relatable stories and examples, as well as fun learning activities.” —Amanda Osborn, Student

Old Dominion University

“…interesting, easily understood, and I liked the fact that current pop culture examples were mentioned.”

—Stacy Evans, Student Ohlone College

.......INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION: Building Connections Together puts students in the center of interpersonal communication by offering them a lower-priced option

SAGE VALUE PRICE

“Of course as a college student I think the SAGE value price is great!” —Melissa Temple, Student

Old Dominion University

“Price is always a concern for students. As educators, we need to make certain our students are getting the best materials possible at a reasonable price.”

—Lee Lavery, Professor Ivy Tech Community College

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INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

........... Building Connections Together ...........

TERI KWAL GAMBLE

COLLEGE OF NEW ROCHELLE

& MICHAEL W. GAMBLE

NEW YORK INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY

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FOR INFORMATION:

SAGE Publications, Inc. 2455 Teller Road Thousand Oaks, California 91320 E-mail: order@sagepub.com

SAGE Publications Ltd. 1 Oliver’s Yard 55 City Road London EC1Y 1SP United Kingdom

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Editorial Assistant: Stephanie Palermini

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Copyright © 2014 by SAGE Publications, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Printed in the United States of America

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Gamble, Teri Kwal.

Interpersonal communication : building connections together / Teri Kwal Gamble, College of New Rochelle, Michael W. Gamble, New York Institute of Technology.

pages cm Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978–2-4522–2-0 (pbk.)

1. Interpersonal communication. 2. Communication—Psychological aspects. I. Gamble, Michael, 1943- II. Title.

HM1166.G36 2013 302—dc23 2012046294

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

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13 14 15 16 17 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

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Brief Contents

PREFACE

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

PART I FOUNDATIONS

CHAPTER 1 INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION: A First Look CHAPTER 2 THE IMPACT OF SELF-CONCEPT CHAPTER 3 PERCEPTION

PART II MESSAGES

CHAPTER 4 LISTENING CHAPTER 5 COMMUNICATING WITH WORDS CHAPTER 6 NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION CHAPTER 7 CONVERSATIONS

PART III DYNAMICS

CHAPTER 8 EMOTIONS CHAPTER 9 TRUST AND DECEPTION

CHAPTER 10 POWER AND INFLUENCE CHAPTER 11 CONFLICT

PART IV RELATIONSHIPS IN CONTEXT

CHAPTER 12 RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS CHAPTER 13 INTIMACY AND DISTANCE IN RELATIONSHIPS CHAPTER 14 RELATIONSHIPS IN OUR LIVES: Family, Work, and

Health-Related Contexts

GLOSSARY

NOTES

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PHOTO CREDITS

INDEX

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Detailed Contents

PREFACE

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

PART 1: FOUNDATIONS

CHAPTER 1. INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION: A FIRST LOOK

Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? What Is Interpersonal Communication?

Interpersonal Communication Is about Relationships Interpersonal Communication Takes Two Interpersonal Communication Is a Lifelong Project

TRY THIS: Today, Who Is a Stranger? Models of Interpersonal Communication

ANALYZE THIS: Are You in a Disguise? People

TRY THIS: Rating Relationships Messages Channels

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Noise Feedback Context Effect Visualizing Communication

How Does Interpersonal Communication Enhance Our Lives? It Fulfills Psychological Functions

TRY THIS: Making Model Sense It Fulfills Social Functions It Fulfills Information Functions It Fulfills Influence Functions

TRY THIS: Functions in Action Understanding Interpersonal Contact: Characteristics, Patterns, and Axioms

of Communication Five Characteristics of Interpersonal Communication

Interpersonal Communication Is a Dynamic Process Interpersonal Communication Is Unrepeatable Interpersonal Communication Is Irreversible Interpersonal Communication Is Learned Interpersonal Communication Is Characterized by Wholeness and

Nonsummativity Interpersonal Patterns Five Communication Axioms

Axiom 1: You Cannot Not Communicate Axiom 2: Every Interaction Has Content and Relationship Dimensions Axiom 3: Every Interaction Is Defined by How It Is Punctuated Axiom 4: Messages Consist of Verbal Symbols and Nonverbal Cues Axiom 5: Interactions Are Either Symmetrical or Complementary

The Impact of Diversity and Culture Diversity and Communication Style Orientation and Cultural Context

Individual and Collective Orientation High-Context and Low-Context Communication

The Impact of Gender Gender and Communication Style

The Impact of Media and Technology

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TRY THIS: What’s Okay with You? On the Way to Gaining Communication Competence

Add to Your Storehouse of Knowledge about Interpersonal Communication

Recognize How Your Relationships Affect You Analyze Your Options Interact Ethically, Respect Diversity, and Think Critically about Your

Person-to-Person Contacts

REFLECT ON THIS: The Cell Effect Practice and Apply Skills to Improve Interpersonal Performance

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of Sylvia and Khalil Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

CHAPTER 2. THE IMPACT OF SELF-CONCEPT

Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? The Self-Concept: Your Answer to Who You Are

ANALYZE THIS: The Clown TRY THIS: Who Are You? How Are the Self and Self-Concept Related?

How Accurate Is the Self-Concept? Self-Esteem: Assessing Self-Worth

High versus Low Self-Esteem

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Self-Esteem and Performance How Others Shape Our Self-Concept

We Reflect Others’ Appraisals

TRY THIS: Feelings about Age and Physical Ability We Compare Ourselves with Others We Have Perceived, Ideal, and Expected Selves

Goffman’s Dramaturgical Approach Imagining a Future Self

TRY THIS: The “Authentic” Self Reactions to You: Confirming, Rejecting, and Disconfirming Responses

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: The Influence of Positive and Negative Pygmalions

TRY THIS: Ups and Downs Revising Your Self-Concept: Reexamining Impressions and Conceptions

Diversity and Culture in Relationships: How Important Is the “I”? The Self in Individualistic and Collectivistic Cultures

REFLECT ON THIS: Changes The Self in High- and Low-Context Cultures The Self in High- and Low-Power-Distance Cultures

TRY THIS: Are You an “I” or Part of a “We”? Attitudes toward the Self across Cultures

Gender and Self-Concept

TRY THIS: Young and Old Seeing the Self through the Media and Technology Looking Glass

REFLECT ON THIS: Beauty Standards and Dying to Be Thin The Impact of the Media The Impact of Technology

ANALYZE THIS: MEdia Gaining Communication Competence: Ways to Strengthen Your Self-Concept

Update Pictures Take Lots and Lots of Pictures Explore Others’ Pictures of You

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Picture Possibilities

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of Aisha’s Term Paper Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

CHAPTER 3. PERCEPTION

Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? Our Perception Defines Our Reality

Do We See the Same Realty? Perception in Action: The Process at Work

Selection Organization Evaluation and Interpretation Memory Response

ANALYZE THIS: The Deceptiveness of Appearance Frameworks of Perception

Schemata Perceptual Sets and Selectivities

REFLECT ON THIS: Attribution Theory

TRY THIS: Lessons Learned Ethnocentrism and Stereotypes

Barriers to Accurate Perception

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REFLECT ON THIS: Stereotypes Age and Person Perception

TRY THIS: The Appearance Factor Fact-Inference Confusions

TRY THIS: Can You Tell the Difference? Allness Indiscrimination

ANALYZE THIS: Is That All There Is? Frozen Evaluations and Snap Judgments Blindering Judging Others More Harshly than Ourselves

Diversity and Culture: Interpreting through Different I’s

Gender and Perception

The Media, Technology, and Perception The Media and Perception Technology and Perception

Gaining Communication Competence: Enhancing Your Perceptual Abilities Recognize the Part You Play Be a Patient Perceiver

TRY THIS: Facebook in Focus Become a Perception Checker Widen Your Perception See through the Eyes of Another Build Perceptual Bridges, Not Walls Consider How Technology Is Changing How We Perceive

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of Dax’s Trial Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

PART II: MESSAGES

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CHAPTER 4. LISTENING

Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? Listening in Your Life

Differences between Hearing and Listening

The Differences between Effective and Ineffective Listeners

ANALYZE THIS: Understanding “Understanding” Stages of Listening

TRY THIS: How’s Your LQ (Listening Quotient)? Stage 1: Hearing Stage 2: Understanding Stage 3: Remembering Stage 4: Interpreting Stage 5: Evaluating Stage 6: Responding

Styles and Types of Listening Styles of Listening

People-Oriented Listening

REFLECT ON THIS: When Is Listening Not First and Foremost? Action-Oriented Listening Content-Oriented Listening Time-Oriented Listening

Types of Listening Appreciative Listening Comprehensive Listening Critical/Deliberative Listening Empathetic Listening

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Listening Ethics Do You Tune Out?

ANALYZE THIS: Active and Inactive Listening Do You Fake Attention? Do You Ignore Specific Individuals? Do You Lose Emotional Control? Do You Avoid Challenging Content? Are you Egocentric? Do You Waste Potential Listening Time? Are You Overly Apprehensive? Are You Suffering Symptoms of Listening Burnout?

Hurdling Listening Roadblocks

Responding with Feedback Defining Feedback Feedback Options

Feedback May Be Immediate or Delayed Feedback May Be Person- or Message-Focused Feedback May Be Low- or High-Monitored Feedback May Be Evaluative or Nonevaluative

Culture’s Influence on Listening

TRY THIS: It’s in the “I”s

TRY THIS: Culture, Communication Style, and Feedback Gender’s Influence on Listening

Media and Technological Influences on Listening Media Influences Technology’s Influences

TRY THIS: The Ethics of Illusionary Listening Gaining Communication Competence: Becoming a Better Listener

Catch Yourself Exhibiting a Bad Habit Substitute a Good Habit for a Bad Habit Listen with Your Whole Body Consistently Use Your Ears, Not Just Your Mouth See the Other Side

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Don’t Listen Assumptively Participate Actively

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of Nonlistening Flora Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

CHAPTER 5. COMMUNICATING WITH WORDS

Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? Defining Language

The Meaning of Words The Triangle of Meaning

Removing Semantic Barriers Differentiate Denotative and Connotative Meaning Recognize How Time and Place May Change Meaning

TRY THIS: Measuring Meaning Consider the Effect of Your Words

Euphemisms and Linguistic Ambiguity Recognize Emotive Language

TRY THIS: Euphemisms and Strategic Ambiguity Acknowledge the Power of Polarizing Language Balance Politically Correct Language Beware of Bypassing

REFLECT ON THIS: Which Do You Prefer?

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Don’t Be Misled by Labels

TRY THIS: Is It Politically Correct or Incorrect? Language and Relationships: Communication Style, Words, and Feelings

ANALYZE THIS: Hurtful Words Culturespeak

TRY THIS: The Language-Culture Link Genderspeak

Language Can Diminish and Stereotype Women and Men Language Practices Reflect Goals and Feelings about Power

Age and Language

REFLECT ON THIS: The Muted Group Language, Media, and Technology

Experiencing Media

TRY THIS: How Would You Reengineer a Media Image? Experiencing Technology

Gaining Communication Competence: Making Your Words Work Are My Words Clear? Are My Words Appropriate? Am I Using Words That Are Concrete? Do My Words Speak to the Other Person and Reflect the Context? Do I Share “to Me” Meaning? Do I Respect Uniqueness? Do I Look for Growth?

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of the Wounding Words Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

CHAPTER 6. NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

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Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? Defining Nonverbal Communication

The Functions and Characteristics of Nonverbal Communication The Functions of Nonverbal Cues Characteristics of Nonverbal Communication

All Nonverbal Behavior Has Message Value Nonverbal Communication Is Ambiguous Nonverbal Communication Is Predominantly Relational Nonverbal Behavior May Reveal Deception

TRY THIS: It’s Not Just What You Say ... Reading Nonverbal Messages

Kinesics: The Messages of Movement Face and Eye Talk Putting on a Face: The Ethics of Face-Work

ANALYZE THIS: Facecrime Gestures and Posture: The Body in Motion and at Rest

TRY THIS: The Ethics of Impression Creation Decoding the Body’s Messages

Paralinguistics: The Messages of the Voice Pitch Volume Rate Articulation and Pronunciation

REFLECT ON THIS: Ummmmmmm ... Hesitations and Silence

Proxemics: Space and Distance Talks Spatial Relationships: Near or Far Places and Their Spaces: Decoding the Environment

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Territoriality: Yours and Mine Haptics: Touch Artifactual Communication and Appearance Olfactics: Smell Color: Associations and Connections Chronemics: The Communicative Value of Time

Culture and Nonverbal Behavior

REFLECT ON THIS: Does Beauty Pay? Gender and Nonverbal Behavior

TRY THIS: The Race Factor Nonverbal Cues and Flirting: Expressing Interest or Disinterest

TRY THIS: Top Billing Media, Technology, and Nonverbal Messages

TRY THIS: Can You Read the Cues? Gaining Communication Competence in Nonverbal Communication

Pay Attention to Nonverbal Messages When Uncertain about a Nonverbal Cue’s Meaning, Ask! Realize Inconsistent Messages Have Communicative Value Match the Degree of Closeness you Seek with the Nonverbal Behavior

You Display Monitor Your Nonverbal Behavior Acknowledge That Abilities to Encode and Decode Nonverbal

Messages Vary

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of Surprised Sam Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

CHAPTER 7. CONVERSATIONS

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Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? The Importance of Conversational Contact

TRY THIS: Do You Like to Talk? What Is Conversation?

TRY THIS: The Elevator Conversation: Games and Players Conversational Structure

TRY THIS: Conversational Analysis The Greeting Topic Priming The Heart of the Conversation Preliminary Processing The Closing

Conversational Management Turn Taking: Maintaining and Yielding the Floor The Cooperation Principle

TRY THIS: Whose Turn Is It, Anyway? The Dialogue Principle

ANALYZE THIS: Relationship Turns Repairing Conversational Damage

Cultural Differences and Conversation

Gender Differences and Conversation

REFLECT ON THIS: Interruptitis Media and Technology Talk

ANALYZE THIS: Don’t Finish My Thoughts

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TRY THIS: Squawk Talk Media Talk Technology Talk

Gaining Communication Competence: Improving Your Conversation Skills Develop Metaconversational Abilities Develop Awareness of How Culture and Gender Differences Affect

Conversation Strive to Improve Conversation Initiation, Management, and

Termination Abilities

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of the Company Party Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

PART III: DYNAMICS

CHAPTER 8. EMOTIONS

Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? What Are Emotions?

Why Emotional Intelligence Is Important The Look and Feel of Emotions

Surprise! Anger Happiness Sadness

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REFLECT ON THIS: Can Exercise Make You Happy and Less Stressed? Fear Disgust Emotions: Primary, Mixed, and Contagious

Emotions Affect Evaluations

TRY THIS: Emotional Checkup Relationships and Emotions

Are Your Emotions Facilitative or Debilitative? What Do You Tell Yourself?

TRY THIS: Do You Have Resilience? What Do You Tell Another Person?

ANALYZE THIS: Should You Tell? What Is Your Emotional Attachment Style?

Culture and the Expression of Emotion

TRY THIS: Are You a Face-Saver? Gender and the Expression of Emotion

Media and Technology: Channeling Feelings Media Models

TRY THIS: Sharing Feelings Technological Channels

TRY THIS: Modeling Gaining Communication Competence: Communicating Emotion

Recognize That Thoughts Cause Feelings Choose the Right Words Show That You Accept Responsibility for Your Feelings Share Feelings Fully Decide When, Where, and to Whom to Reveal Feelings Describe the Response You Seek

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of Late Jean Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

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CHAPTER 9. TRUST AND DECEPTION

Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? What Is Trust?

The Bases of Trust The Components of Trust

Trusting Behavior Trustworthy Behavior

TRY THIS: Can I Depend on You? Can You Depend on Me? Failed Trust

Forgiveness: Rebuilding a Relationship after Trust Is Betrayed

ANALYZE THIS: Misplaced Trust Cost-Benefit Theory: The Price We Are Willing to Pay for a Relationship

Defining the Relational Situation

TRY THIS: Relationship Balance Sheet Cooperative and Competitive Relationships

TRY THIS: Cooperative or Competitive? Supportive and Defensive Relationships

Evaluation versus Description Control versus Problem Orientation Strategy versus Spontaneity

ANALYZE THIS: On the Defensive Neutrality versus Empathy Superiority versus Equality Certainty versus Provisionalism

Deception and Relationship Ethics

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TRY THIS: Cornered Why Do We Lie?

REFLECT ON THIS: Building Company Trust White Lies: Motivation Matters Lying to Ourselves: Defensive Strategies

Displacement Repression Rationalization

Relational Counterfeiters The Effects of Lying

REFLECT ON THIS: Richard S. Lazarus and the Case for White Lies The Effects of Gossip

Culture and Trust

TRY THIS: How Prepared Are You to Trust? Gender and Trust

Media, Technology, and Lessons on Trust The Media and Trust Technology and Trust

Gaining Communication Competence: Nurturing a Trusting Relationship Be Willing to Disclose Yourself to Another Person Let the Other Person Know You Accept and Support Him or Her Develop a Cooperative/Supportive Rather than a

Competitive/Defensive Orientation Trust Another When Warranted

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of the Trusting Agent Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

CHAPTER 10. POWER AND INFLUENCE

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Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? The Control Factor: Exploring the Balance of Power in Relationships

Feeling Powerful versus Powerless Are You Socially Anxious? Are You on a Power Trip?

Where Does Power Come From? Power Categories

TRY THIS: What’s Your Power Orientation? Reward Power Coercive Power Expert Power Legitimate Power Referent Power Persuasive Power

Exercising Persuasion The Role of Attitudes

What Is an Attitude?

TRY THIS: Powerful People and Power Plays Where Do Our Attitudes Come From?

The Role of Beliefs What Are Beliefs?

TRY THIS: Assessing Attitudes and Surveying Beliefs Defining and Characterizing Values

Gaining Compliance in Interpersonal Relationships Strategies for Compliance Gaining

ANALYZE THIS: The Diary of a Young Girl TRY THIS: Graphing Your Values

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Strategies for Balancing Attitudes Routes to Interpersonal Influence

TRY THIS: Tensions and Tactics Diversity, Values, and Relational Power

Gender and the Balance of Power

TRY THIS: Who Has the Power? REFLECT ON THIS: Power Issues by Gender Media, Technology, and Power Shifts

Media Power Technological Power

Gaining Communication Competence: Controlling Relationships Use Power Wisely Understand How Beliefs, Values, and Attitudes Affect Interactions Capitalize on the Need for Balance

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of the Power Moment Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

CHAPTER 11. CONFLICT

Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? The Meaning of Conflict

Conflict Defined Conflict Is Based on Interaction

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Feelings about Conflict Functional Conflict Dysfunctional Conflict

TRY THIS: Thinking through Conflict Conflict’s Sources

Interactions among Individuals Conflict-Generating Behaviors

Preemptive Striking Forcing Blaming

Classifying Conflicts The Nature of the Goal The Intensity Level of the Conflict

TRY THIS: How Verbally Aggressive Are You? The Character of the Conflict

Conflict Management Styles Avoiding Competitive Compromising Accommodative Collaborative

TRY THIS: Where Are You on the Grid? Communication Behavior in the Face of Conflict

Destructive Communication Behaviors Constructive Communication Behaviors DESC Scripts

Describe Express Specify Consequences

Your Expressive Style: Nonassertive, Aggressive, or Assertive

TRY THIS: A Self-Assessment Nonassertiveness

Why We Do Not Assert Ourselves Nonassertive Language

Aggressiveness Why We Act Aggressively Aggressive Language

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Assertiveness Learning Assertive Behavior Assertive Language

Culture and Conflict Resolution

ANALYZE THIS: Edward de Bono Gender and Conflict Resolution

Media, Technology, and Conflict Resolution: Models or Madness Media Portrayals: Model the Way

REFLECT ON THIS: Lessons Learned Technology: Real and Unreal

TRY THIS: It’s War! Gaining Communication Competence: Guidelines for Resolving Conflict

Recognize That Conflict Can Be Resolved Rationally Agree about How to Define the Conflict Exchange Perceptions: Describe, Express, Specify, and Note

Behavioral Consequences Assess Alternative Solutions and Choose the One That Seems Best

Implement and Evaluate the Selected Solution

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of the Jousting Roommates Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

PART IV: RELATIONSHIPS IN CONTEXT

CHAPTER 12. RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS

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Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? Why Do We Need Relationships?

Relationships Preserve Happiness and Health Relationships Prevent Isolation Relationships Meet Interpersonal Needs

ANALYZE THIS: By Yourself Relationships Serve as Behavioral Anchors Relationships Function as Communication Conduits

TRY THIS: How Do You Feel about Being In /Out, Up/Down, or Close/Far?

When Good, Relationships Help Maintain Our Sense of Worth Relationship Characteristics

Duration Contact Frequency Sharing Support Interaction Variability Goals

Forming Friendships The Nature of Intimacy The Nature of Acquaintanceship

TRY THIS: Measuring Intimacy The Nature of Friendship

Role-Limited Interaction Friendly Relations Moving toward Friendship Nascent Friendship Stabilized Friendship Waning Friendship

Romance: Coming Together and Breaking Apart Love’s Dimensions The Triangle of Love Love’s Stages

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Stage 1: Initiating Stage 2: Experimenting Stage 3: Intensifying Stage 4: Integrating Stage 5: Bonding Stage 6: Differentiating Stage 7: Circumscribing

ANALYZE THIS: Status Updates Stage 8: Stagnating Stage 9: Avoiding Stage 10: Terminating

TRY THIS: Looking at Your Relationships Relationship Attractors

Physical Attractiveness Social Attractiveness

REFLECT ON THIS: The Romantic Attraction Factor Task Attractiveness Proximity Reinforcement Similarity Complementarity

TRY THIS: Attractors Culture and Connection

Does the Culture Place More Stress on Individuals or on Social Relationships?

Does the Culture Promote the Development of Short- or Long-Term Relationships?

Does the Culture Value Results or the Interactional Process? Gender and Relationship Formation

Media, Technology, and Social Worlds Media Portrayals of Friendship and Romance

TRY THIS: Ties That Bind Technology: Meeting in Cyberspace

Gaining Communication Competence: Mastering Relationship Complexities Understand That Relationships Don’t Just Happen

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Recognize Why We Need Others Understand the Nature of Friendship and Romantic Relationships Meet the Challenges Posed by Media and Technology

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of the Job Promotion Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

CHAPTER 13. INTIMACY AND DISTANCE IN RELATIONSHIPS

Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? Self-Disclosure and Intimacy

Social Penetration Theory

TRY THIS: Social Penetration—in Casual and Intimate Relationships The Johari Window and Self-Disclosure

REFLECT ON THIS: Sharing in Close Relationships Using Relational Dialectics to Understand Relationships

TRY THIS: Window Gazing Integration-Separation Stability-Change Expression-Privacy Working through Dialectical Tensions

TRY THIS: Try to See It My Way Relationship Maintenance

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TRY THIS: What’s Fair? Relationship Repair: Fix It or End It

Identify the Problem Identify Strategies to Repair the Problem Decide to Dissolve or Save the Relationship

The Dark Side of Relationships:

Dysfunctions and Toxic Communication

REFLECT ON THIS: Abusive Relationships Relationships and Death: Processing Grief

Culture and Relational Intimacy

Gender, Intimacy, and Distance

ANALYZE THIS: Feelings Media and Technology: The Decline of Privacy and Distance

Gaining Communication Competence: Handling Both Relational Closeness and Distance

TRY THIS: At a Distance How Important to You Is This Person? Are You Willing to Initiate Interaction? How Much and What Kind of Intimacy Do You Desire? How Accepting Are You of the Other Person? How Are You Willing to Support the Other Person? Do You Recognize That Your Relationship Will Change? Can Your Relationship Survive the Distance Test? Do You Know When to Continue and When to End a Relationship?

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of the Plane Trip Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

CHAPTER 14. RELATIONSHIPS IN OUR LIVES: FAMILY, WORK, AND HEALTH-RELATED CONTEXTS

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Learning Objectives

What Do You Know? The Nature of Familial Communication The Family as Communication

System Family Members Are Interdependent The Family Is Greater than the Sum of Its Parts Family Members Engage in Mutual Influence

TRY THIS: Virginia Satir on “Peoplemaking” Family Communication: Roles and Rules

ANALYZE THIS: Transitions

TRY THIS: The Rules We Live By Communication Patterns in Families

Problematic Communication Patterns Productive Communication Patterns Your Family Network

Culture and the Family Varying Family Composition Varying Communication Styles Varying Family Roles

TRY THIS: Role Call Gender and the Family Media, Technology, and the Family

Interpersonal Communication at Work

TRY THIS: The TV Family Relationships Are the Organization The Dyad and the Organization

A Question of Dependence and Independence A Question of Trust

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A Question of Perception Networks, Interaction, and Relationship Satisfaction Working in Teams

Create Healthy Work Climates Practice Effective Decision Making

REFLECT ON THIS: The Effects of Groupthink Culture and the Workplace

Are Workers Dominant or Submissive? Are Workers Individualistic or Collectivistic? How Do Workers Perceive the Need for Space? How Do Workers Perceive Time? How Diverse Are the Interpersonal Needs and Skills of Workers? Are Members of Different Generations Prepared to Work Together?

Gender and the Workplace

TRY THIS: Culture Can Shock Stereotypes of Women in Organizations Stereotypes of Men in Organizations Gender and Work-Life Balance Leadership and Management Style Workplace Pathologies: Bullying and Sexual Harassment

Media, Technology, and the Workplace Media Portrayals Technological Realities

Interpersonal Communication in Health Care Settings The Consumer–Health Care Provider Dyad

Sensitivity Matters Clear Communication Matters Perceptions Matter Decision Making Matters

Culture and Health Communication Gender and Health Care Media, Technology, and Health Care

Media Messages Technology Messages

Gaining Communication Competence across Contexts Prepare to Handle Conflict across Contexts Recognize That You Cannot Stay as You Are or Always Be Happy

and in Good Health

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Learn about Each Other

CONNECT THE CASE: The Case of the Problematic Reunion Chapter Summary

Check Your Understanding Check Your Skills Key Terms

GLOSSARY

NOTES

PHOTO CREDITS

INDEX

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Preface

AN APPLIED APPROACH Interpersonal Communication: Building Connections Together takes an applied approach to exploring the central role of interpersonal communication in our twenty-first-century lives. Whether with family, friends, or coworkers, in personal or professional contexts, enacted face-to-face and up close and personal or online with technological assistance, interpersonal communication skills affect the nature and development of all relationships.

FOCUS ON CULTURE, MEDIA, AND TECHNOLOGY

We had a number of goals in writing this text. First, we wanted to reach students by appealing to their interests in and fascination with popular culture, media, and technology. This volume actively engages students by facilitating their personal observation, processing, and analysis of what occurs as individuals connect interpersonally in the real world and as depicted in popular culture, media, and online. We offer many examples from popular culture and social networking sites to enter students’ worlds and meet them where they are.

FOCUS ON ACTIVE LEARNING AND SKILL BUILDING

Second, we wanted to provide numerous opportunities for students to cocreate content and actively apply and practice what they are learning. Exercises in the text encourage students to compose personal observations as they observe and process interpersonal interactions. As a result, Interpersonal Communication: Building Connections Together is one text that students will be able to call “their own.”

As we noted, this text offers an applied approach. Its strengths are its interactive style and its pedagogy, which affirm the reader as the central player in the life of the textbook. We place our text’s emphasis on how we connect with others and on “how we can do it better” so that the book’s users will discover how they can employ interpersonal skills to enrich their personal and professional lives.

FUNDAMENTAL PREMISES OF THE TEXT

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Premise 1: A text on interpersonal communication should consider how popular culture, media, and technology influence the imagined and actual person-to-person interactions of students. Whether subtly or overtly, the impressions of interpersonal communication that we derive from popular culture and online shape our relationships, influencing our views of self and others, affecting what we expect from relationships, and ultimately influencing how we evaluate the effectiveness of our person-to-person relationships and skills.

Premise 2: A text on interpersonal communication should consider how technology, culture, and gender influence person-to-person interactions. We no longer interact with others solely face-to-face. Thus, a key theme of any new book on interpersonal communication needs to be how online connections affect the “MEdia” generation and the dynamics of the interpersonal experience. We also can no longer expect to communicate solely with people who are mirror images of or just like us. Our world is both too complex and too small, and the people with whom we interact are too diverse, for us even to imagine that we could succeed without understanding how gender and culture influence our person-to-person connections. Thus, by developing two additional text themes, how gender and culture preferences influence interaction, we encourage students to take a step toward improving relationship outcomes. No longer are cultural understanding and sensitivity to difference merely assets; now they are prerequisites of effective and insightful interpersonal communication.

Premise 3: A text on interpersonal communication should consider the effects of the varied contexts of our lives. Although it is important to consider the content traditionally covered in interpersonal communication courses, it is also important to widen the scope of our consideration to include interactions occurring in the family, in the workplace, and in health care arenas. The ability to interact effectively across our life spans with friends, family members, coworkers and employers, peers, and health professionals is essential for both personal wellness and professional well-being.

ORGANIZATION OF THE TEXT The book is divided into four main parts: Foundations, Messages, Dynamics, and Relationships in Context. We begin with the building blocks of interpersonal communication (Part I: Foundations), then we consider the kinds of information that we share when we connect interpersonally (Part II: Messages), then we look more closely at the variable factors that affect our interpersonal communication (Part III: Dynamics), and finally we explore the full range of relationships that we build together through communication (Part

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IV: Relationships in Context).

Part I comprises three chapters: Chapter 1, “Interpersonal Communication: A First Look”; Chapter 2, “The Impact of Self-Concept”; and Chapter 3, “Perception.” Together, these initial chapters set the stage for our subsequent study of the sharing of messages during interpersonal communication, our consideration of factors influencing how we personally enact interpersonal communication, and, finally, our in-depth exploration of different relational contexts.

Part II includes four chapters: Chapter 4, “Listening”; Chapter 5, “Communicating with Words”; Chapter 6, “Nonverbal Communication”; and Chapter 7, “Conversations.” Together these chapters explore the kinds of messages we share during interpersonal communication and whether these messages are listened to and responded to appropriately.

Part III is composed of four chapters: Chapter 8, “Emotions”; Chapter 9, “Trust and Deception”; Chapter 10, “Power and Influence”; and Chapter 11, “Conflict.” Each of these chapters looks at a different variable affecting the courses of our relationships.

Part IV concludes the book with three chapters: Chapter 12, “Relationship Dynamics”; Chapter 13, “Intimacy and Distance in Relationships”; and Chapter 14, “Relationships in Our Lives: Family, Work, and Heath-Related Contexts.” These chapters explore how the context of a relationship influences its nature and outcomes. Being able to have healthy and meaningful relationships in all spheres of life makes our lives better.

TOOLS FOR LEARNING TOGETHER We have worked hard to ensure that Interpersonal Communication: Building Connections Together fulfills the following four requisites: (1) The text respects and acknowledges student interest in popular culture, media, and technology; (2) the text recognizes the impact that the MEdia age, with its emphasis on self-expression and self-obsession, is having on the interpersonal skills of students and the outcomes of the interpersonal relationships they share; (3) the text expands the communication knowledge base of students, encouraging them to apply interpersonal communication theory and research to their own lives; and (4) the text gives students opportunities to reflect on, practice, and master skills to facilitate their becoming interpersonally competent.

FEATURES

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To this end, the text includes pedagogical features that are designed to help students enrich their understanding of fundamental concepts and theories and to help them apply what they have learned to their own interpersonal communication and relationships. The following features reinforce the chapter material and guide students to enhance their interpersonal communication skills:

• Every chapter begins with a list of Learning Outcomes that outlines the key objectives of the chapter, followed by an opening vignette that introduces the relevance of the chapter content through a contemporary example of interpersonal communication in action.

• At the start of each chapter, students will assess their current understanding of interpersonal communication with a quiz feature titled “What Do You Know?” Students can find the answers to the quiz’s true/false items printed upside down at the bottom of the box feature, and they will also find these answers revisited in the margins alongside discussion of the relevant topics within the chapter text. This self-quiz prepares students for the content to be covered and for the outcomes they can expect to achieve by chapter’s end.

• All chapters offer an array of skills-oriented “Try This” boxes, which are introduced regularly to promote active learning and skill building as students make their way through each chapter. The material in these boxes encourages critical inquiry and thought as well as exploration of the role of ethics in interpersonal communication. These boxes feature self-inventories designed to help students assess their learning, skill level, and personal insights into such topics as empathy, reading nonverbal cues, and listening, as well as activities that promote experiential learning and build interpersonal communication skills.

• Every chapter contains one or more “Reflect on This” boxes, designed to make the theories discussed in the text come alive. These boxes highlight the research and/or the experiences of professionals whose work has widened the field’s understanding of interpersonal communication and, at the same time, guide students in applying the theories’ lessons to their own lives.

• Every chapter features “Analyze This” boxes, which encourage students to apply critical thinking to examples of interpersonal

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encounters from literature and popular culture. The material in these boxes is designed to promote discussion and facilitate analysis of interpersonal messages and interpersonal communication in action.

• Near the end of every chapter, “Connect the Case” presents a case study that spotlights one or more challenges occurring during interpersonal communication in a face-to-face or mediated environment. Examining these cases involves students in considering chapter content and assessing interpersonal outcomes.

• Special sections in every chapter focus on the topics of gender, culture, media, and technology. These sections address how the concepts covered in the chapter intertwine with these underlying themes of the text.

• At the end of every chapter is a Summary that connects chapter content to the chapter’s Learning Objectives. This is followed by a section titled “Look Back,” which contains two series of questions, “Check Your Understanding” and “Check Your Skills,” that are focused on the concepts and the practical applications the student should have mastered after experiencing the chapter. Page references accompany both sets of questions to guide students back to the relevant sections of the text for further study.

• Key Terms are set in boldface throughout the text to highlight important terminology. Students can find the definition for each term on the page where it is introduced in the Margin Glossary that runs throughout the text or in the Glossary at the end of the book, which collects all of the definitions for a comprehensive review.

ANCILLARIES Interpersonal Communication: Building Connections Together offers comprehensive ancillary resources for instructors and students, to support teaching and learning in the classroom and beyond.

Instructor Teaching Site: www.sagepub.com/gambleic

A password-protected instructor teaching site provides one integrated source for all instructor materials, including the following key components for each chapter:

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• Test bank, available in Word format and to PCs and Macs through Diploma software, offers a set of test questions and answers for each chapter. Multiple-choice, true/false, and short-answer/essay questions for every chapter will aid instructors in assessing students’ progress and understanding. The software allows for test creation and customization. The test bank is also available in Microsoft Word format.

• PowerPoint presentations designed to assist with lecture and review, highlighting essential content, features, and artwork from the book.

• Sample syllabi—for semester and quarter classes—provide the instructor with suggested models for creating a course syllabus.

• Carefully selected Web resources and audio and video links feature relevant content for use in independent and classroom-based exploration of key topics.

• SAGE Journal Articles: A “Learning From SAGE Journal Articles” feature provides access to recent, relevant full-text articles from SAGE’s leading research journals. Each article supports and expands on the concepts presented in the chapter. This feature also provides discussion questions to focus and guide student interpretation.

Student Study Site: www.sagepub.com/gambleic

An open-access student study site provides a variety of additional resources to build students’ understanding of the book content and extend their learning beyond the classroom. Students have access to the following features for each chapter:

• Self-quizzes with multiple-choice and true/false questions for every chapter allow students to assess their progress in learning course material independently.

• eFlashcards reinforce student understanding and learning of key terms and concepts that are outlined in the book.

• Study Questions: Chapter-specific questions help launch discussion by prompting students to engage with the material and by reinforcing important content.

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• Web resources direct students to relevant online sites for further research on important chapter topics.

• Video and audio links feature meaningful content for use in independent or classroom-based exploration of key concepts and skills.

• SAGE Journal Articles: A “Learning From SAGE Journal Articles” feature provides access to recent, relevant full-text articles from SAGE’s leading research journals. Each article supports and expands on the concepts presented in the chapter. This feature also provides discussion questions to focus and guide student interpretation.

We believe that our instructional package—composed of the text’s contents and the pedagogical aids we intersperse both throughout chapters and online— will motivate students to internalize the knowledge and develop the skills they need to make interpersonal connections and develop meaningful and healthy interpersonal relationships, whether their interactions occur face-to-face or online. We hope you agree!

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Acknowledgments

How lucky we are to have had the opportunity to work with the very talented professionals at SAGE again! Senior acquisitions editor Matthew Byrnie together with his team, Stephanie Palermini and Nathan Davidson, made writing this book both fulfilling and fun. Matt’s creativity and astute understanding of our goals freed us to produce a textbook on interpersonal communication that fulfilled our vision.

We also owe a debt of gratitude to senior project editors Eric Garner and Astrid Virding for so skillfully guiding our efforts, copy editor Judy Selhorst for her careful and insightful reading of the manuscript, assistant editors Megan Koraly and Terri Accomazzo for the many hours of time devoted to working on the ancillaries, senior marketing manager Liz Thornton and market development manager Michelle Rodgerson for using their promotional savvy to bring the book to market, permissions editor Karen Ehrmann for her thoroughness, and designer Scott Van Atta for the text’s visual appeal and engaging layout.

We are especially appreciative for our reviewers who so generously and unselfishly shared with us their knowledge and teaching insights; we credit them with helping to produce a book that speaks directly to the needs and interests of students.

Teri & Mike

SAGE is grateful to the following reviewers for providing helpful feedback during various stages of manuscript development:

Andrea R. Acker, Westmoreland County Community College

Luann Okel Adams, Mid-State Technical College

Alicia Andersen, Sierra College

Tim Anderson, Elgin Community College

Laurie Arliss, Ithaca College

Michael Irvin Arrington, University of Kentucky

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Leonard Assante, Volunteer State Community College

Lisa Nelson Bamber, Otero Junior College

Polly A. Begley, Fresno City College

Heather Bixler, College of the Sequoias

Ellen Bland, Central Carolina Community College

Derek Bolen, Angelo State University

Diane Boynton, Monterey Peninsula College

Leah Bryant, DePaul University

Jack Byer, Bucks County Community College

Carlotta Campbell, College of Alameda

Chelsea J. Chalk, Ancilla College

Yanrong Chang, University of Texas—Pan American

Yea-Wen Chen, Ohio University

Anita P. Chirco, Keuka College

Margaret K. Chojnacki, Barry University

Karen Clark, Spokane Community College

Colleen Colaner, University of Missouri

William D. Cole, Elizabethtown Community and Technical College

Kathleen Czech, Point Loma Nazarene University

Marianne Dainton, La Salle University

Patricia A. Dobson, Eastern New Mexico University

Aimee DuBois, Normandale Community College

Jill C. Dustin, Old Dominion University

Jen Eden, Northern Illinois University

Leonard M. Edmonds, Arizona State University

Nichole Egbert, Kent State University

Diana Elrod-Sarnecki, Des Moines Area Community College

Bo Feng, University of California, Davis

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Diane M. Ferrero-Paluzzi, Iona College

Tracy Frederick, Southwestern College

Sheryl A. Friedley, George Mason University

Daniel D. Fultz, Bluffton University

Joanie Gibbons-Anderson, Riverside City College

Robert J. Glenn, III, Owensboro Community and Technical College

Carlos G. Godoy, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute

Todd Lee Goen, Christopher Newport University

Alan K. Goodboy, Bloomsburg University

Debra Harper, Lone Star College-Greenspoint Center

Jim Hasenauer, California State University at Northridge

Kristin Haun, Pellissippi State Community College

Leslie A. Henderson, McLennan Community College

Robert Heppler, Broward Community College

Jason Hough, Hartnell Community College

Jessica R. Hurless, Casper College

Rebecca Imes, Carroll University

Kirsten Isgro, State University of New York, Plattsburgh

Robert S. Jersak, Century College

JoAnna Johns, Atlantic Cape Community College

Cynthia B. Johnson, College of the Sequoias

Rod Kenyon, California State University, Chico

Flora Keshishian, St. John’s University

J. Clint Kinkead, Dalton State College

Kathryne Kiser, Metropolitan Community College—Longview

Frederick Knight, Eastern New Mexico University Ruidoso Branch Community College

Tony L. Kroll, Tarrant County College

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J. Mignon Kucia, Mississippi College

Sandra Lakey, Pennsylvania College of Technology

Karenza Lambert, Ivy Tech Community College

Emily J. Langan, Wheaton College

Kimberly A. Laux, University of Michigan—Flint

Kristen LeBlanc, Texas State University-San Marcos

Jennifer A. Lundberg Anders, West Shore Community College

Kozhi Sidney Makai, Lone Star College—Montgomery

Tracy Marafiote, State University of New York, Fredonia

Barbara J. Mayo, Northeast Lakeview College

Ché V. Meneses, Ohlone College & California State University, East Bay

Michelle Millard, Wayne State University

Nina-Jo Moore, Appalachian State University

Mark T. Morman, Baylor University

Thomas P. Morra, Northern Virginia Community College

Randall Mueller, Gateway Technical College

Kellie L. Mzik, Georgia Military College

Mary E. Nagy, Bloomsburg University

Elizabeth J. Natalle, The University of North Carolina at Greensboro

Christine L. North, Ohio Northern University

Jill O’Brien, DePaul University

Laura Oliver, University of Texas—San Antonio

Chuka Onwumechili, Howard University

Lisa M. Orick-Martinez, Central New Mexico Community College

Steve Ott, Kalamazoo Valley Community College

Kate Pantinas, Ivy Tech Community College

Dennis T. Payne, Texas State University

Douglas C. Pierce, Ridgewater College

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Marlene M. Preston, Virginia Tech

Narissra Maria Punyanunt-Carter, Texas Tech University

Terry Quinn, Gateway Technical College

Janice Ralya, Jefferson State Community College

Diane Reuszer, Northeastern Junior College

Nancy Reynolds, Angelina College

Kathleen Roberts, Duquesne University

Sudeshna Roy, Stephen F. Austin State University

Leslie Ramos Salazar, Arizona State University

Kelly Renee Schutz, Ivy Tech Community College

Xiaowei Shi, Middle Tennessee State University

Natalie E. Shubert, Ohio University

Cheryl L. Skiba-Jones, Ivy Tech Community College

Brent C. Sleasman, Gannon University

Garth H. Sleight, Miles Community College

Megan K. Sokolowski, Mid-State Technical College

Jamie Stech, Iowa Western Community College

Tony Strawn, Henderson Community College

Natalie L. Sydorenko, University of Akron

Christa Tess, Minneapolis Community and Technical College

Carl L. Thameling, University of Louisiana at Monroe

Henry J. Venter, National University—Fresno

Dr. Matthew S. Vos, Covenant College

Zuoming Wang, University of North Texas

Lindsey Welsch, Johnson County Community College

Bradley S. Wesner, Nova Southeastern University

Kylene J. Wesner, Broward College

Denise Woolsey, Yavapai College

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Alesia Woszidlo, University of Kansas

Ibrahim Yoldash, Indiana University Northwest

Christina Yoshimura, University of Montana

Jason Ziebart, Central Carolina Community College

Phyllis S. Zrzavy, Franklin Pierce University

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About the Authors

Teri Kwal Gamble (PhD, New York University; BA, and MA, Lehman College, CUNY) and Michael W. Gamble (PhD, New York University; BA and MFA, University of Oklahoma) are professional writers of education and training materials and the coauthors of numerous textbooks and trade books. Their most recent publication is the eleventh edition of their best-selling text Communication Works (2012). Among their other books are Sales Scripts That Sell (second edition, 2007), The Gender Communication Connection (2002), and Public Speaking in the Age of Diversity (second edition, 1998). Teri and Michael are also the cofounders of Interact Training Systems, a consulting firm that conducts seminars, workshops, and short courses for business and professional organizations across the United States.

Additionally, Michael served as an officer and taught leadership skills for the U.S. Army Infantry School during the Vietnam War. Together, Teri and Michael also produce training and marketing materials for the real estate industry.

Teri and Michael have two grown children, Matthew, a scientist at Einstein Medical School, and Lindsay, who has completed her MBA and is currently finishing law school. They share their home with twin poodles —Charlie and Lucy.

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This is dedicated to the most important people in our lives, our children, Lindsay and her husband Daniel, and Matthew and his love Tong. They

define the importance of interpersonal communication.

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1Chapter

“I truly believe that life is a contact sport. You never know just who you’ll meet and what role they might play in your career or your life.”

–Ken Kragen

Communication Consultant

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION:

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L

A First Look LEARNING OBJECTIVES

After completing this chapter, you should be able to demonstrate mastery of the following learning outcomes:

1. Define interpersonal communication, distinguishing it from other types of communication.

2. Use a communication model to identify the essential elements and transactional nature of the interpersonal communication process.

3. Explain the functions interpersonal communication serves.

4. Describe the characteristics, core principles, and axioms of interpersonal communication

5. Explain how gender and culture affect interpersonal communication.

6. Provide examples of how digital media are reshaping interpersonal contacts.

7. Develop a plan to improve interpersonal communication.

et’s talk about interpersonal communication. How do you decide whether to speak with a person face-to-face or send a text? What if you had to choose between calling and texting? A lot depends on the situation and the other person. Or does it?

According to a report issued by the Pew Internet & American Life Project, we now communicate more often via text. In fact, more than one-third of young adults send on average more than one hundred texts per day, making the text message their focal communication strategy—their “go to” form of interaction.1 Quite simply, for many of us texting is our dominant daily mode of communicating.2

How do you decide whether to speak with a person face- to-face or send a text?

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Are you among the two-thirds of people more likely to use your cell phone to text your friend rather than talk to her on the cell? And how do you want your friend to get in touch with you? Do you prefer her to call and talk to you over the phone, or would you rather she text too? Your answer likely depends on how frequently you text and whether you think of texting as easier and more convenient than other communication channels.

We have an abundance of communication choices at our disposal. With so many available options, making the right choice is not always easy, and not necessarily the one most favor. Our goal is to help you explore the benefits your choices present. While recognizing the range of communication technologies open to you, this book will help you improve your skills and develop your abilities to communicate most effectively and appropriately with others—to make sound decisions about how to communicate—whether by text messaging, using social networking sites, calling on a cell phone or landline, instant messaging, e-mailing, or talking face-to-face.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Before continuing your reading of this chapter, which of the following five statements do you believe to be true and which do you believe to be false?

1. Communication is normally intentional. T F

2. Interpersonal communication always is between two people.

T F

3. If you already consider yourself a good communicator, then how you engage others does not need to change.

T F

4. Interpersonal communication affects your health. T F

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5. Machines are altering the nature of interpersonal communication.

T F

Read the chapter to discover if you’re right or if you’ve made any erroneous assumptions.

We do it daily. We do it with people we have known all our lives, and we do it with people we have just met. Every day, we engage in interpersonal communication with family, friends, and strangers alike, face-to-face and online, in person and via our phones. Through our personal contacts, we build connections and establish relationships to satisfy our social needs and realize our personal goals. As we relate to others, the messages we send and receive shape us. In fact, there is a direct link between how good we are at communicating and how satisfying or fulfilling we find life.3 Let’s look more closely at the process known as interpersonal communication.

Interpersonal communication is a fact of life.

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True or False 1. Communication is normally intentional. False. Communication is also accidental or unintentional.

WHAT IS INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION?

Communication is our link to humanity. In its broadest sense, it is a process involving the deliberate or accidental transfer of meaning. One person does or says something, thereby engaging in symbolic behavior, while others observe what was done or said and attribute meaning to it. Whenever you observe or give meaning to behavior, communication is taking place.

Figure 1.1 Texting is Most Common Daily Communication Method for Teens

SOURCE: Based on information from the Pew Internet & American Life Project.

Communication: A process involving both deliberate and accidental transfer of meaning.

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

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There are many kinds of communication. We distinguish one type of communication from others based on the number of persons involved, the formality of the interaction, and the opportunity to give and receive feedback. For example, since intrapersonal communication occurs when you think or talk to yourself, it requires only a single communicator—you! In contrast to intrapersonal communication, interpersonal communication is the ongoing, ever-changing process that occurs when you interact with another person, forming a dyad, which is defined as two people communicating with each other. Both individuals in a dyad share the responsibility for determining the nature of a relationship by creating meaning from the interaction. Thus, anytime we communicate with another person, whether a friend, parent, coworker, or employer, we are communicating interpersonally. It is very common for communicators to use digital media to get their messages across to one another or the public by blogging, texting, tweeting, Instant messaging, e-mailing, or posting in a social networking site such as Facebook (see Figure 1.1).

True or False 2. Interpersonal Communication always is between two people. True. Interpersonal communication occurs when two people form a dyad, also known as two people communicating with one another.

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION TAKES TWO

First, let’s consider the quantitative aspects of our interpersonal interactions. The fact that interpersonal communication takes two people means that it is indivisible. Without the second person, interpersonal communication is impossible. Thus, the parties to interpersonal communication are a duo: a couple, a pair, or perhaps adversaries. From an interpersonal perspective, even groups of three or more individuals are viewed as composites of dyads, effectively serving as the foundations for separate pairings and potential coalitions. Without a dyad, a relationship

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does not exist, and without a relationship, there is no interpersonal communication.4 This means that if one person withdraws from the relationship, then that relationship terminates—at least for the time being or until the connection between them is reestablished. The qualitative aspect of interpersonal communication is another story. We measure the quality of an interpersonal relationship along a continuum, with “intimate communication” at one end and “impersonal communication” at the opposite end. The more personally we interact with another person, the more “interpersonal” our relationship becomes. When we engage in interpersonal communication, our goal is to treat one another as genuine persons, not as objects, and to respond to each other as unique individuals with whom we create a distinct relational culture, not as people merely playing roles.5

The more personal a relationship becomes, the more interdependent the two people become, sharing thoughts and feelings with each other. Our lives become interconnected, especially when contrasted with how we relate to persons with whom we are uninvolved and to whom we don’t reveal much about ourselves. We develop personal relationships because of the intrinsic rewards we derive from them; we find them emotionally, intellectually, and perhaps even spiritually fulfilling. In contrast, we have impersonal relationships usually because of the extrinsic rewards they offer, such as maintaining professional working relationships with others to help us reach our goals. Which kinds of relationships do you have more of, those that are impersonal or those that are personal in nature?

INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS A LIFELONG PROJECT

The effectiveness of interpersonal relationships depends on the extent to which we practice and exhibit interpersonal skills. While we may be born communicators, we are not born with effective interpersonal skills—those we need to learn. Nor are effective skills static; the same techniques may not work for all people in all situations. The culture of each person, his or her gender, the environment, and the individual’s goals will determine how that person approaches and processes interpersonal communication.

Intrapersonal communication: Communication requiring only a single communicator; communication with oneself.

Interpersonal communication: The ongoing, ever-changing process that

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occurs when one person interacts with another person, forming a dyad; communication occurring within a relationship. Dyad: Two individuals interacting; a two-person relationship.

Just as every person represents a unique combination of physical, psychological, education, gender, and cultural characteristics that distinguish us from one another, each new relationship teaches us a little bit more about the nature of people and interpersonal communication. Each new relationship increases our comfort at interacting not only with those who share our characteristics but also with those whose attitudes, life experiences, and perspectives differ from ours.

TRY THIS: Today, Who Is a Stranger? When you were a young child, your parents and/or caregivers probably cautioned you not to speak to strangers. However, travel opportunities and social networks such as Facebook make interacting with strangers much more commonplace, even ordinary. Answer the following questions:

1. To what extent, if any, are you more willing to interact with a stranger online than at the mall or when on a trip? Explain.

2. How does the anonymity or privacy of online relationships increase or decrease your level of personal comfort?

3. To what extent, if any, do you think parents or caregivers should restrict the time young children spend interacting online? To what extent, if any, do you think you should limit the time you spend in social networks?

4. In your opinion, which is more likely to result in a lasting interpersonal relationship—a friendship that begins online, an “old- fashioned” pen-pal type of friendship that depends on U.S. mail delivery, or a relationship that begins with both parties face-to-face? Explain your answer with reasons.

As we grow and learn, we must continually revise and update our personal theories of what works during interpersonal contacts, or our assumptions will compel us to repeat interpersonal scenarios or scripts that are doomed

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to fail. The effective interpersonal communicator does not take others for granted. Instead of following stereotypes, the effective interpersonal communicator is guided by knowledge and skill.

Our sense of personal identity results from and influences our interpersonal relationships. When we do it well, interpersonal communication helps us work through problems, ultimately enhancing our feelings of self-worth. When we do it poorly, however, rather than enlarging us, it limits our growth and frustrates our achievement of our unique potential.

Whether an interpersonal relationship is productive or not depends on how satisfying the relationship is and how much attention we pay to its health. Having good interpersonal skills can mean the difference between happiness and unhappiness or success and failure in multiple arenas or life contexts—home, job, school, health care settings, and society—as well as across cultures and generations. Enhanced understanding of the factors in play when two people communicate, whether in a personal or a professional relationship, increases an individual’s chances of developing interpersonal competence—the ability to communicate effectively.6 We increase communication competence by observing ourselves and others, assessing what we observe, practicing specific behaviors, and then predicting and evaluating the outcomes of our interactions, with the goal of improving our communication skills.

Interpersonal competence: The ability to use appropriate communication to build and maintain an effective relationship.

As you read the rest of this chapter, consider the following questions about yourself:

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Having good interpersonal skills is key in achieving happiness and success.

1. How effective am I at communicating with people from diverse cultures?

2. Am I equally effective interacting with males and females, and with individuals whose sexual orientations differ from my own?

3. How easy is it for me to develop relationships with people my own age and those of different ages?

4. To what extent am I able to maintain self-control when I interact with others? Under what conditions do I lose control?

5. How, and to what extent, do I use technology in my interpersonal relationships? In what ways is technology changing my interpersonal communication?

Societal problems related to factors such as ethnocentrism, sexism, violence, and health can be lessened, at least to some degree, if we improve our ability to adapt to a changing world and connect interpersonally with others in more effective ways. To this end, we need to explore interpersonal communication, including the field’s theories, practice, and contexts. By considering relevant research, putting theory into practice, and applying what we learn to the contexts of our lives, we can develop our interpersonal communication skills. The more we learn, the more extensive our repertoire of acceptable behavioral choices becomes and the more flexible we become, thereby improving our chances

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to sustain rather than sever needed relationships.

The effectiveness of our personal relationships depends on the communication choices we make. Using communication we present ourselves to others and either work out or compound relationship problems. Because interpersonal relationships can be destructive (yes, they can have a dark or destructive side that causes one or both parties to experience emotional or physical pain), our personal and professional well-being depends on their being effective. Thus, a key goal of this book is to help you build and maintain effective interpersonal connections with a broad array of people.

MODELS OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

Whether we are able to exchange messages and negotiate or share meaning during person-to-person encounters depends on how well we handle the essential elements active in the process. For example, depending on the situation, patting someone on the back may be perceived as friendly and supportive or as a form of sexual harassment. There are seven key elements that influence interpretation of this act (see Table 1.1):

ANALYZE THIS: Are You in a Disguise?

In the poem Anonymous, 21st-century poet Samuel Manashe suggests that when in the company of another person, too often we pretend to be someone we are not, keeping our actual identity secret and hoping to remain unknown or anonymous.

Have you ever asked a question like the one Manashe asks in the poem? Do you suppose anyone has asked such a question about you?

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How does maintaining anonymity online, for example, affect interaction?

Anonymous

Truth to tell, And grow old

Seldom told Self-disguised—

Under oath, Who are you

We live lies I talk to?

1. How might remaining anonymous be enabling to someone? 2. What could compel you to disguise yourself or wear a mask when

interacting with another person on or offline? 3. How would you handle the pain, frustration, and anger caused by

feeling the need to suppress your cultural identity or hide your feelings to maintain a relationship?

SOURCE: “Anonymous,” from New and Selected Poems of Samuel Menashe copyright © 2005 by Literary Classics of the United States, Inc. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission.

1. The people involved

2. The message(s) that each person sends and/or perceives

3. The channel(s) in use

4. The amount of noise present

5. The communication context

6. The feedback sent in response

7. The act’s effect(s) on the individuals involved

The better we understand these essential elements of interpersonal communication, the more likely we are to improve our interpersonal

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communication competence and skills. The more we understand how interpersonal communication works, the greater the likelihood it will work for us. So, let us look more closely at each of the elements in play.

PEOPLE

Recall that interpersonal communication between any two people ranges from “impersonal” at one end of an imaginary continuum to “intimate” at the other end.

When you respond impersonally to another person, you communicate with him based on your limited knowledge of the categories in which you place that person—that is, the social groups or the culture to which you believe he belongs—rather than on your personal experience interacting with that individual.

In contrast, when you respond to someone personally, you respond to her as an individual, drawing on your knowledge of her personality to guide your interactions. In other words, your past experience with the individual allows you to differentiate her from the groups to which she belongs. You now take this unique person and her needs into account when you communicate.

As a relationship develops and you get to know someone better, not only can you describe the person’s behavior, but you can also more accurately predict how he or she will behave when facing a particular situation or set of circumstances. When you know a person very well, sometimes you can also explain that person’s behavior, offering reasons for his or her actions. For instance, when you share an impersonal relationship with someone at work, you can likely describe his behavior—maybe his procrastination in completing an assignment. When you see a supervisor giving him a project to work on, you may be able to predict that he will not complete it on time. Were you to share a more personal relationship with your coworker, however, you might also be able to explain the reasons behind the procrastination—why he is unable to meet a deadline—such as concerns about a child’s illness or feelings of inadequacy.

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How you pat someone on the back communicates.

TABLE 1.1 The Essential Elements of Interpersonal Communication

Each party in an interpersonal relationship participates in the functions of sending and receiving messages. Each functions simultaneously as sender

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and receiver, both parties giving out and taking in messages. For example, in the following exchange both Jana and Karl give and receive messages:

True or False 3. If you already consider yourself a good communicator, then how you engage others does not need to change. False. What worked at one point in time may not work at another point in time.

Jana: I’m so tired. I wish we didn’t have to go to the Joneses’ party.

Karl: You always feel tired whenever we have plans to go to a party for someone I work with.

Jana: Why do you have to attack me when I say how I feel?

Karl: What’s the matter with you? I’m not attacking you. I’m only commenting on what I observe and experience directly.

Jana: Is that all? Give me a break. Don’t I have a right to be tired?

Karl: Sure you do. Just tell me one thing. Why do you never feel tired when we’re going to a party hosted by your friends?

Interpersonal communication is transactional in nature. It is a process in which transmission and reception occur simultaneously and source and receiver continually influence one another. What we think of each other and what we believe each other to know affect the messages we send.7 Each party in a dyad simultaneously performs the roles of sender and receiver, also known as a role duality. How the individuals perform the

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roles, or how good they are at sending and receiving, depends on what they bring to the relationship, including their feelings about themselves, their knowledge about communication, and their attitudes, values, and goals. All these elements influence how well a sender encodes his or her thoughts, feelings, emotions, and attitudes by putting them into a form another can relate to, and how the receiver decodes the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and attitudes of the sender by interpreting them into messages.

TRY THIS: Rating Relationships Think about some of the relationships you have had over your lifetime.

1. Identify two of them: the first, an extremely satisfying interpersonal relationship and, the second, an extremely frustrating one.

2. Identify the specific aspects of each relationship that made it satisfying or frustrating for you.

3. After summarizing the characteristics and qualities that differentiate your most satisfying relationship from your most frustrating one, propose steps you might have taken to increase your satisfaction with the relationship you found frustrating.

MESSAGES

We negotiate the meaning we derive from interpersonal communication by sending and receiving verbal and nonverbal messages. Whom we speak to, what we choose to speak about, what we do as we interact, the words we use, the sound of our voices, our posture, our facial expressions, our touch, and even our smell constitute the message or the content of our communication. Everything we do as a sender or a receiver has potential message value for the person with whom we are interacting or for someone observing the interaction.

Role duality: The simultaneous performance of the roles of sender and receiver by the members of a dyad.

Message: The content of communication.

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Messages can be conveyed through any one of our five senses: auditory, visual, gustatory, olfactory, or tactile. They can be heard, seen, tasted, smelled, or felt, and they are situational/ manipulational, or communicated by the environment. Some messages—such as a caress, a kiss, or the words “I love you”—are more personal than others that could be sent to any numbers of persons. Some of our messages we send purposefully (“I want to be very clear about this”), while others, such as nervous tics, we emit unconsciously or accidentally (“I didn’t know you knew how I felt about this”). Everything we do when interacting with another person has potential message value as long as the other person is observant and gives meaning to our behavior. Whether we frown, jump for joy, move closer, turn away, or go on and on, we are communicating messages that have some effect on someone else.

CHANNELS

Messages travel via a channel, a medium that connects sender and receiver, much as a bridge connects two locations. In face-to-face communication, we send and receive messages through the five senses as discussed above. In effect, we may use multiple channels at the same time to communicate a single message. In fact, under most circumstances, interpersonal communication is a multichanneled interaction using visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory, and situational/ manipulational means to convey both verbal and nonverbal messages. Consider a first date: to prepare, you make sure you look and smell nice; you choose a quiet setting to ensure you can hear each other; and you generally put your best face forward in both verbal and nonverbal ways in order to say, “I like you and I hope you like me too.”

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We use each of our five senses to convey messages.

Capable communicators are adept channel switchers. They know how to use sound, sight, touch, taste, smell, and the environment, as well as traditional words and nonverbal signs, to get messages across. However, if you find yourself consistently tuning in on just one channel, you might miss the most salient parts of a message. For instance, if you speak to people only over the phone, you might miss the underlying message when your best friend asks, “Is everything okay? I haven’t seen you in a while.” While we may prefer to send or receive messages through a particular channel, we should pay attention to and use all of the available channels.

Today, with computer-mediated communication, we have a richness of channels to choose from. In addition to face-to-face contact, we have texting and instant messaging, for example. If one channel is closed or damaged, we can open another to compensate. For instance, rather than assuming that a blind or sight-impaired person will be able to recognize us by our voice, we should also name ourselves. Since the blind person is unable to see the visual cues we use to color in or shade the meaning of a verbal message, we may also need to take special care to ensure that the meanings we want conveyed are contained in the words we choose and the expressiveness of our voice.

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Channels are like bridges; they connect us to one another.

NOISE

In communication studies, noise includes anything that interferes with or impedes our ability to send or receive a message. Noise distracts communicators by focusing their attention on something extraneous to the communication act. Effective communicators find ways to ensure their messages get through accurately despite any interfering noise.

Channel: A medium or passageway through which a message travels.

Noise: Anything that interferes with or impedes the ability to send or receive a message.

Noise emanates from both internal and external sources. The words used, the environment, physical discomfort, psychological state, and intellectual ability can all function as noise. As the level of noise increases, it becomes more and more unlikely that we will be successful at negotiating or sharing meaning. Among the external sources of noise are the sight, sound, smell, and feel of the environment. A drab room, an overly warm space, a loud siren, an offensive odor, and too many conversations occurring at the same time are all examples of environmental noise.

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In your opinion does a garage band constitute noise?

Among the internal sources of noise are personal thoughts and feelings. Racism, sexism, feelings of inadequacy, hunger, excessive shyness or extroversion, and deficient or excessive knowledge can all interfere with the ability to send and receive messages effectively. Most of us find it easier to cope with external noise than with internal noise because closing a window, for example, is usually a lot easier than opening a mind or changing a personality. Have you created or been influenced by noise in any of your relationships today? Which kind(s) of noise typically cause you the greatest problems? (See Table 1.2.)

FEEDBACK

Feedback is information we receive in response to messages we have sent. It can be both verbal and nonverbal and lets us know how another person is responding to us. Feedback provides clues as to “how we are coming across,” whether we were heard through the noise or interference, and how the receiver interpreted our communicative efforts. Feedback reveals whether or not our message was interpreted as we hoped and, if not, which portions of the message need to be resent.

WATCH THIS 1.1 For a video on using communication channels visit the student study site.

Feedback can be positive or negative. Positive feedback enhances

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behavior in progress. It serves a reinforcing function, causing us to continue our behavior. In contrast, negative feedback stops behavior in progress. It serves a corrective function, prompting us to discontinue one or more behaviors because of their apparent ineffectiveness. In this way, negative feedback helps eliminate behavior that others judge inappropriate.

Feedback: Information received in exchange for a message sent.

Positive feedback: Responses that enhance behavior in progress.

Negative feedback: Responses that stop behavior in progress.

TABLE 1.2 Types of Noise

Semantic noise Noise due to the failure to understand the intended meaning of one or more words or the context in which the words are being used (persons speaking different languages, using jargon and “technicalese”)

Physiological noise

Noise due to personal illness, discomfort, or a physical problem including speech, visual, auditory, or memory impairment (difficulty articulating, hearing or sight loss, fatigue, disease)

Psychological noise

Noise due to anxiety, confusion, bias, past experience, or emotional arousal that interferes with communication (sender or receiver prejudice, closedmindedness, rage)

Intellectual noise

Noise due to information overload or underload (over- or underpreparedness)

Environmental noise

Noise due to the sound, smell, sight, and feel of the environment or physical communication space that distracts attention from what is being said or done (cars honking, garbage rotting, people talking at once, cellular or computer interference)

Because we constantly communicate with ourselves (even as we communicate interpersonally), feedback can emanate from both internal and external sources. Internal feedback is the feedback you give yourself

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as you assess your own performance during an interpersonal transaction. External feedback is feedback you receive from the other person. Competent communicators are sensitive to both feedback types, since both serve important functions.

Feedback often focuses on a person or a message. We can, for example, comment on a person’s appearance or message effectiveness. In addition, we can be totally honest about feedback, offering low-monitored feedback, or we can carefully craft a response designed to serve a particular purpose, offering high-monitored feedback. Whether our feedback is spontaneous or guarded depends on how much we trust the other person and how much power that person has over our future.

We can also offer immediate or delayed feedback. Immediate feedback instantly reveals its effect on us. For example, after someone tells us a joke, we may laugh really hard. Other times, however, a gap occurs between the receipt of the message and the delivery of feedback. For example, we can nod our head yes or shake our head no every time the other person says something we do or do not agree with. Or we can withhold our reaction until after she or he has finished speaking. When we interview for a job, we are rarely told immediately after the interview whether we will be given the position. Instead, we receive delayed feedback; sometimes days, weeks, or even months pass before we know whether or not the interview was successful.

Feedforward is a variant of feedback. However, instead of being sent after a message is delivered, it is sent prior to a message’s delivery as a means of revealing something about the message to follow. Feedforward introduces messages by opening the communication channel and previewing the message. Phatic communication (see Chapter 12), that is, a message that opens a communication channel, such as this text’s cover or preface, serves as an example of feedforward.

Internal feedback: A person’s response to his or her own performance.

External feedback: Responses received from others.

Low-monitored feedback: Feedback that is sincere and spontaneous; feedback delivered without careful planning.

High-monitored feedback: Feedback offered to serve a specific purpose; feedback that is sent intentionally.

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Feedforward: A variant of feedback sent prior to a message’s delivery as a means of revealing something about to follow.

Phatic communication: Superficial interaction designed to open the channel between individuals.

Context: The setting in which communication takes place.

CONTEXT

The environmental and situational or cultural context in which the communication occurs (its setting) can also affect its outcome. The environmental context is the physical location of the interaction. The situational or cultural context comprises the life spaces or cultural backgrounds of the parties in the dyad. In many ways, surrounding culture and physical, social, psychological, and temporal settings are integral parts of communication.

The physical setting includes the specific location for the interaction, that is the setting’s appearance and condition. A candlelit exchange may have a different feel and outcome from one held in a busy, brightly lit office. The social setting derives from the status relationships and roles assumed by each party. Some relationships seem friendlier and are less formal than others. The psychological setting includes the interaction’s emotional dimensions. It influences how individuals feel about and respond to each other. The temporal setting includes not only the time of day the interaction takes place but also the history, if any, that the parties to it share. Any previous communication experience that you and another person have had will influence the way you treat each other in the present. The cultural context is composed of the beliefs, values, and rules of communication that affect your behavior. If you and the other person are from different cultures, the rules you each follow may confuse the other or lead to missing chances for effective and meaningful exchanges. Sometimes the context is so obvious or intrusive that it exerts great control over our interaction by restricting or dominating how we relate to one another; other times it seems so natural that we virtually ignore it.

EFFECT

As we interact with each other, we each experience an effect—meaning that we are influenced in some way by the interaction. One person may

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feel the effects more than the other person. One person may react more quickly than the other. The effects may be immediately observable or initially not observable at all.

An effect can be emotional, physical, cognitive, or any combination of the three. As a result of interacting with another we can experience feelings of elation or depression (emotional); we fight and argue or walk away in the effort to avoid a fight or argument (physical); or we can develop new ways of thinking about events, increase our knowledge base, or become confused (cognitive).

There is a lot more to interpersonal communication and its ultimate effects than we may immediately realize. In fact, current relationships may best be considered examples of “unfinished business.”8

How does your current physical setting affect you?

VISUALIZING COMMUNICATION

To be sure, the thinking about interpersonal communication has evolved over the years. The earliest model—a linear or unidirectional model— depicted communication as going in one direction only (see Figure 1.2). Questions such as “Did you get my message?,” statements such as “I gave

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you that idea,” and acts such as leaving someone a note with instructions give voice to this one-way perspective. While containing many of the elements identified earlier, notice that the linear model omits both feedback and context.

Figure 1.2 Linear Model of Interpersonal Communication

Effect: The result of a communication episode.

Linear or unidirectional model: A representation of communication that depicts it as going in only one direction.

Gradually, a more realistic two-way model—known as an interaction model—came to be the model of choice (see Figure 1.3). The interaction model visualizes interpersonal communication not as a one-way event but as a back-and-forth process, much like a game of tennis; it also acknowledges the presence and effects of both feedback and context. However, though more accurate than the one-way model, the interaction model fails to capture the complexity of interpersonal communication, including the reality that interpersonal communication does not involve just a back-and-forth action and reaction as might occur when you send a text and your friend responds.

Figure 1.3 Interaction Model of Interpersonal Communication

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Figure 1.4 Transactional Model of Interpersonal Communication

Interaction model: A representation of communication as a back-and- forth process.

Many communication exchanges involve source and receiver responding to one another simultaneously rather than sequentially. Thus, a more recently developed and even more realistic way to visualize how the elements at work during interpersonal communication dynamically relate to each other is a transactional model, as shown in Figure 1.4. The transactional model’s strength is that it depicts sending and receiving as simultaneous rather than distinctly separate acts. By doing so, it helps us visualize the vital complexity of interpersonal interaction by showing us that source and receiver send messages to and receive messages from each other at the same time, reflecting the reality of a conversation. (See Table 1.3 for a summary of the various models’ strengths and weaknesses.)

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TABLE 1.3 Advantages and Limitations of Communication Models

HOW DOES INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION ENHANCE OUR LIVES?

Communicating interpersonally helps us discover who we are; it fulfills our need for human contact and personal relationships, and it can prompt us to change our attitudes and behavior. In these ways, interpersonal communication serves psychological, social, information, and influence functions.

Transactional model: A representation of communication that depicts transmission and reception occurring simultaneously, demonstrating that source and receiver continually influence one another.

IT FULFILLS PSYCHOLOGICAL FUNCTIONS

TRY THIS: Making Model Sense Use the transactional model of interpersonal communication in Figure 1.4 to analyze the following dyadic scenario. Identify how each of the essentials of interpersonal communication included in the model— people, messages, channels, noise, feedback, context, and effect— makes its presence felt during the interaction.

Simona (approaching a restaurant table): Hi, Kevin. I thought I

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recognized the back of your head. How ya doing? Long time no see.

Kevin (turning, somewhat started): I recognized your perfume—I used to love it when—(abrupt break). It’s been a while, hasn’t it? When was the last time we got together? Is it a year?

Simona (smiling): Longer than that. I haven’t heard from or seen you since your divorce from Jan.

Kevin Haven’t seen me since the divorce. That makes it almost two years and twenty-four days, then.

Simona Time sure goes fast when you’re having fun, doesn’t it? Well, you look great. Life’s been good to you, huh?

Kevin Yeah. I just got back from six months’ troubleshooting in Singapore. I got a promotion, and I’m finally making the kind of money I deserve.

Simona Good for you! Emilio and I still see Jan, you know.

Kevin Do you? How’s she doing? I haven’t spoken to her in two years, either.

Simona You haven’t spoken to your ex since the divorce? Actually, I’m meeting her for lunch today.

Kevin Didn’t seem to be anything left to say to her. (Does a double take) Did you say you’re meeting Jan here? I was just leaving. I’ve got to get back to the office. I’ve got a key client coming. It was sure nice running into you.

Simona Sure thing. I’ll tell Jan you say hi.

Kevin No. Don’t even tell her you saw me. It would just open up her old wounds.

Simona Why would it do that? She’s great, has a great job, and she’s seeing one of Emilio’s friends. Besides, I’m sure she’d like to know you’re doing so well.

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Kevin So she picked up the pieces, did she? I didn’t think it would happen that fast. She was so broken up, so devastated by my leaving.

Simona Life goes on.

Kevin Guess it does. Well, gotta go. Be good.

Simona (Under her breath, as he walks away) What a conceited jerk!

Messages Simona’s message: Kevin’s message:

Channels

Noise

Feedback Simona’s message: Kevin’s message:

Context

Effect The effect on Kevin: The effect on Simona:

First and foremost, just as we need water, food, and shelter, we need people. When we are isolated or cut off from human contact, our health suffers. In fact, being in at least one good relationship appears to be a prerequisite of physical and psychological well-being.9 For example, maximum-security prisons used to keep inmates locked alone in their cells for up to twenty-three hours each day. The feelings of isolation the inmates experienced resulted in their becoming restless, angry, violent, and potentially suicidal. When restrictions were loosened, however, and inmates were allowed out of their cells for hours each day, able to play sports and mingle and dine with others, their behavior and emotional

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health improved.10

True or False 4. Interpersonal communication affects your health. True. Interpersonal communication is necessary for both physical and psychological well-being.

Interpersonal communication also enhances self-other understanding; through our interactions with others, we learn how different individuals affect us. In fact, we depend on interpersonal communication to develop our self-awareness and maintain our sense of self. To quote communication theorist Thomas Hora: “To understand oneself, one needs to be understood by another. To be understood by another, one needs to understand the other.”11

Because interpersonal communication is a fluid process that depends on constantly changing components, it offers myriad opportunities for self- other discovery. Different contexts help us figure out who likes or dislikes us and why, when and why to trust or distrust someone, what behaviors elicit the strongest reactions, under what conditions we have the power to influence another person, and whether we have the ability to resolve relational conflict.

IT FULFILLS SOCIAL FUNCTIONS

Through interpersonal communication we are able to begin and sustain relationships. Our interpersonal contacts fulfill our social needs to varying degrees. Although we vary greatly in the extent to which we experience these needs, according to psychologist William Schutz our relationships reflect the following in particular:

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• Our need for affection—to express or receive fondness

• Our need for inclusion—to be included or include others as full partners

• Our need for control—to direct or exert influence over the self and others so that we feel we are able to deal with and manage our lives and environment.12

When we are in a relationship with someone whose needs complement or balance our own, each of us is able to have our needs met. When our needs are not complementary, however, we are more apt to experience relationship struggles or conflict. Do your experiences confirm this? (We explore the work of William Schutz in more depth in Chapter 12.)

Have you ever felt isolated when in a crowd?

Good interpersonal communication also allows us a glimpse into another person’s reality. For example, developing an interpersonal relationship with someone whose culture differs from our own broadens our own point of view. Our interpersonal styles may differ from each other’s, but we adapt to the sound, form, and content of their messages and pay attention to how members of different cultures feel about displaying affection, exerting control, defining roles, and meeting goals. While it may be easier to identify with and associate with those who are like us, coming from different cultures does not preclude our learning to share similar meanings.

Interpersonal communication similarly fulfills our need to be friended and

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to friend others. (Notice how friend has also become a verb.) It helps alleviate feelings of isolation, fulfilling our desire to feel needed, loved, wanted, and capable. Because of this, interpersonal communication may increase our personal satisfaction, helping us feel more positive about ourselves.

IT FULFILLS INFORMATION FUNCTIONS

During interpersonal contacts, as we share information we reduce the amount of uncertainty in our lives. By taking in information we meet the need to acquire knowledge.

Information is not the same thing as communication. Just as more communication is not necessarily better communication, more information is not necessarily better information. Sometimes no information and no communication may be the best course. We can, after all, talk a problem or issue to death. Thus, just as there is a time to talk, there is a time to stop talking and listen.

We use interpersonal communication to influence others. Are you aware when others attempt to influence you?

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IT FULFILLS INFLUENCE FUNCTIONS

We use interpersonal communication to influence others—sometimes subtly and sometimes overtly. As we exercise influence, our need to gain compliance is met. Interpersonal communicators are both the users of and targets of persuasion.

As we observed earlier in this chapter, interpersonal communication is often goal directed. And even though we may not be conscious of it, we often use strategic communication to achieve our goals. We methodically plan how to get what we want. We seek contact with and advice from others whom we believe can help us. This is not to say that human beings are naturally manipulative or deceptive, as neither of these practices supports the interdependent and transactional nature of interpersonal communication.13 Communication is not something we do to others or have done to us. It is a mutually reinforcing activity we engage in together. How we interact is a two-way affair. We mutually influence each other. We are both affected by what each of us does and says.

How we think about interpersonal communication has evolved from a linear process in which one receiver influences another to an interactional process in which communication by each person precipitates a reaction in the other person to a mutually interactive transaction deriving meaning from the simultaneous sharing of ideas and feelings. From a transaction perspective, no single cause explains how you interpret or make sense of experience. Communication is more complex than that.

TRY THIS: Functions in Action Consider three conversations: one you recently had with a significant other, one between you and a friend, and one between you and an acquaintance or coworker you usually don’t get together with outside of work. Explain which interpersonal communication functions each interaction fulfilled: psychological, social, information, and/or influence. Be specific in describing and assessing how each interaction illustrates the function(s) you identify.

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UNDERSTANDING INTERPERSONAL CONTACT: CHARACTERISTICS, PATTERNS, AND AXIOMS OF COMMUNICATION

As we see, every interpersonal communication contact shares certain essential elements and serves one or more functions. Every interpersonal communication contact also shares the following:

1. Key characteristics: descriptions of the communication that are common across different situations or contexts

2. Core communication principles: identifiable behavioral patterns and motivations

3. Axioms: the fundamental rules by which communication may be analyzed or explained.

FIVE CHARACTERISTICS OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

Let’s first explore the noteworthy characteristics of interpersonal communication (see Table 1.4).

TABLE 1.4 Characteristics of Interpersonal Communication

Communication Is ...

In Other Words ...

A dynamic process It is ongoing, continuous, and in a constant state of flux.

Unrepeatable and It is unique.

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irreversible

Learned We find out over time what works for us and what does not work if we remain conscious of the communication.

Characterized by wholeness and nonsummativity

It operates as a complete entity, much like a team functions.

Interpersonal Communication Is a Dynamic Process. By dynamic process we mean that interpersonal communication is ongoing or continuous, and in a constant state of flux. All the components continually interact with and affect each other. They are interdependent or interconnected. They depend on and influence one another. What one person says or does influences what the other person says or does. Every interpersonal encounter is a point of arrival from a previous encounter and a point of departure for a future encounter.

Interpersonal Communication Is Unrepeatable. Every interpersonal contact is unique. It has never happened in just that way before, and it will never happen in just that way again. Why? Because every contact changes us in some way and, as a result, can never be exactly repeated or replicated. Try as we might, we can never recapture exactly the same feelings, thoughts, or relationship that existed at a specific point in time. We are no longer exactly the same persons we were before we made contact.

Interpersonal Communication Is Irreversible. In addition to being unrepeatable, interpersonal communication is irreversible. Once we have said or done something to another, we cannot erase its impact. After exhibiting behavior, we cannot simply say, “Forget that!” and substitute a better or more appropriate behavior in its place (though we sometimes would like to try). We cannot rewind or restart communication as we can a TV program recorded on a DVR. We cannot unhear words, unsee sights, or undo acts. They are irretrievable. Presenting a new stimulus does not change the previous stimulus. It merely becomes part of a behavioral sequence.

We Cannot Uncommunicate Online Either. For one thing, a written

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message provides evidence of the message sent. E-mails are virtually impossible to erase. They remain on servers and workstations, even after we have “deleted” them. So do all entries made on social media sites such as Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and LinkedIn. You may try to soften their effects, but you cannot reverse their existence any more than you can try to squeeze toothpaste back into a tube. In fact, the online service Social Intelligence can provide a dossier on every faux pas, every sarcastic comment, every remark containing overt or implied prejudice, and every lewd personal picture you have posted. The Web is forever.14

Once sent, it is virtually impossible to take back an e-mail message.

Interpersonal Communication Is Learned. Over time we learn what works for us in an interpersonal relationship and what does not. We can hinder our communication with another person if we remain unconscious of how we affect him or her, and vice versa. Part of the art of interpersonal communication involves recognizing how our words and actions affect others, how their words and actions affect us, and then, based on our observations, making the necessary adjustments.

Dynamic process: A process that is ongoing, continuous, and in a state of constant flux.

Interpersonal Communication Is Characterized by Wholeness and Nonsummativity. When we say that the interpersonal relationship is characterized by “wholeness,” we are saying that it operates as a complete

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entity. We consider more than the individuals who are in the relationship; we look at the unique ways in which the persons involved influence each other. When we say that interpersonal communication is characterized by “nonsummativity,” we are saying that the whole is more than the sum of its parts; interpersonal communication is about more than just its participants per se. We cannot understand a couple by looking at only one- half of the partnership. We cannot understand a family by looking at only one of the children. The nature of the relationship must be examined. The “us” must be explored. The relationship takes on a quality that we cannot understand merely by possessing information about its parts. The system as a whole is simply different from the sum of its parts.15

INTERPERSONAL PATTERNS

Interpersonal communication involves understanding patterns of behavior, predicting what others will do and say, and providing reasons for their actions as well as our own.16 Thus, understanding the patterns of behavior an individual displays, not just a single behavior, provides the basis for understanding the person’s interpersonal communication. In other words, a single isolated behavior is not what we need to focus on; rather, we must take into account the entire behavioral sequence.

Interpersonal communication involves not only interpreting but also predicting and accounting for another person’s behavior. If we are able to distinguish individuals from a general group, then we recognize their uniqueness and are able to know and understand them. For example, were we to interact with a number of different professors over time yet treat all of them alike, or were we to date a number of different men or women yet not distinguish one date from another, we would not be very effective interpersonal communicators. To the extent that we can predict the behavior of a particular teacher or a specific romantic interest, and account for that behavior, what we term reasoned sense making, we can understand that individual more than we might understand other professors, or other dates.

We also reason retrospectively. Retrospective sense making means making sense of our own behavior once it has occurred. We interpret our own actions in light of the goals we have or have not attained. We look back on interactions and continually redefine our relationships, which is our way of making sense of them. As our interactions with another person

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progress, the events of our relationship increase in number, and, as a result, the relationship and how we feel about it changes.

Reasoned sense making: The ability to predict and account for the behavior of a particular person.

Retrospective sense making: The ability to make sense of one’s own behavior once it has occurred.

Axioms of communication: A paradigm of universally accepted principles used for understanding communication.

FIVE COMMUNICATION AXIOMS

Identified in a classic study by Paul Watzlawick, Janet Beavin, and Don Jackson, there are five axioms of communication, or universally accepted principles, that enable us to understand interpersonal interactions more fully.17 (See Table 1.5.)

TABLE 1.5 Axioms of Communication

1. You cannot not communicate.

2. Interactions have content and relationship dimensions.

3. Interactions are defined by how they are punctuated.

4. Messages are verbal symbols and nonverbal cues.

5. Exchanges are symmetrical or complementary.

Axiom 1: You Cannot Not Communicate. Behavior has no opposite. We cannot voluntarily stop behaving. Even if we consciously decide not to respond, even if we do our utmost not to move a muscle or utter a sound, our stillness and silence are responses. As such, they have message value, influence others, and therefore communicate. No matter how hard we try, we cannot not communicate. Our behavior communicates whenever it is given meaning.

Axiom 2: Every Interaction Has a Content and Relationship Dimension. The content dimension of a message involves the expected

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response, and the relationship dimension indicates how the message is to be interpreted and reveals what one party to the interaction thinks of the other. For example, a husband says to his spouse, “Get over here right now.” The content level, or expected response, is that the spouse will approach immediately. But the message can be delivered in a number of ways: as an order, a plea, a flirtation, or an expression of sexual desire, for example. Each manner of delivery suggests a different kind of relationship. It is through such variations that we offer clues to another person regarding how we see ourselves in relationship to that person.

Axiom 3: Every Interaction is Defined by How It Is Punctuated. Though we often feel as if we can label the beginning and the end of an interaction, pointing to a traceable cause for a specific reaction, in actuality communication has no definitive starting or finishing line. It is difficult to determine exactly what is stimulus and what is response. Consider this example:

A woman is usually late getting home from work. When she does get home, she often finds her partner asleep. Both are angry. The woman might observe that she works so much because all her partner does is sleep. The partner might say that all he does is sleep because she’s never home.