The guy code book

3 W “BROS BEFORE HOS”: THE GUY CODE henever I ask young women what they think it means to be a woman, they look at me puzzled, and say, basically, “Whatever I want.” “It doesn’t mean anything at all to me,” says Nicole, a junior at Colby College in Maine. “I can be Mia Hamm, I can be Britney Spears, I can be Madame Curie or Madonna. Nobody can tell me what it means to be a woman anymore.” For men, the question is still meaningful—and powerful. In countless workshops on college campuses and in high-school assemblies, I’ve asked young men what it means to be a man. I’ve asked guys from every state in the nation, as well as about fifteen other countries, what sorts of phrases and words come to mind when they hear someone say, “Be a man!” The responses are rather predictable. The first thing someone usually says is “Don’t cry,” then other similar phrases and ideas—never show your feelings, never ask for directions, never give up, never give in, be strong, be aggressive, show no fear, show no mercy, get rich, get even, get laid, win—follow easily after that. Here’s what guys say, summarized into a set of current epigrams. Think of it as a “Real Guy’s Top Ten List.” 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. “Boys Don’t Cry” “It’s Better to be Mad than Sad” “Don’t Get Mad—Get Even” “Take It Like a Man” “He Who has the Most Toys When he Dies, Wins” “Just Do It,” or “Ride or Die” “Size Matters” “I Don’t Stop to Ask for Directions” “Nice Guys Finish Last” “It’s All Good” The unifying emotional subtext of all these aphorisms involves never showing emotions or admitting to weakness. The face you must show to the world insists that everything is going just fine, that everything is under control, that there’s nothing to be concerned about (a contemporary version of Alfred E. Neuman of MAD Magazine’s “What, me worry?”). Winning is crucial, especially when the victory is over other men who have less amazing or smaller toys. Kindness is not an option, nor is compassion. Those sentiments are taboo. This is “The Guy Code,” the collection of attitudes, values, and traits that together composes what it means to be a man. These are the rules that govern behavior in Guyland, the criteria that will be used to evaluate whether any particular guy measures up. The Guy Code revisits what psychologist William Pollack called “the boy code” in his bestselling book Real Boys—just a couple of years older and with a lot more at stake. And just as Pollack and others have explored the dynamics of boyhood so well, we now need to extend the reach of that analysis to include late adolescence and young adulthood. In 1976, social psychologist Robert Brannon summarized the four basic rules of masculinity: 1. “No Sissy Stuff!” Being a man means not being a sissy, not being perceived as weak, effeminate, or gay. Masculinity is the relentless repudiation of the feminine. 2. “Be a Big Wheel.” This rule refers to the centrality of success “Bros Before Hos”: The Guy Code 45 and power in the definition of masculinity. Masculinity is measured more by wealth,