Conflict resolution for the helping professions

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C hap t er on e

The Mindful Practitioner

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

Upon successful completion of this chapter, you will be able to:

• Nurture higher levels of mindfulness using strategies such as breathing exercises, meditation, reflecting, and journaling.

• Identify the core values and ethical principles that inform conflict resolution practice.

• Assess your own conflict resolution styles, as well as those of the people you are working with.

• Use basic listening, questioning, and assertion skills to facilitate conflict- related discussions.

The key distinction between helping professionals and lay helpers is that professionals make deliberate choices about how to intervene based on their discipline’s knowledge, ethics, and value bases. This applies equally for conflict resolution. Conflict is pervasive in human interaction; thus, everyone is constantly involved in conflict resolution (CR). Some people have a natural aptitude for CR; others learn their CR skills through normal socialization processes (e.g., following family and cultural norms; learning how to behave in school). Because CR professionals are not unique in their use of CR, their advantage (if any)1 lies in their ability to use themselves consciously: being mindful of their thoughts, feelings, values, and motivations; learning from each situation; and strategically drawing from CR theory, skills, values, and ethics (Furlong, 2005). As the proverb suggests, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Self- awareness and the deliberate use of evidence- based strategies

1 Be careful about assuming that a professional is the best one to intervene in a conflict situation. In many cir- cumstances, the parties do not trust professionals as much as others in their social systems (friends, family members, neighbors, etc.). Although this text focuses on roles of professional helpers, community develop- ers and educators may be interested in how to instill conflict resolution skills and principles within a com- munity context (Kirst- Ashman & Hull, 2015).

Barsky, Allan. Conflict Resolution for the Helping Professions : Negotiation, Mediation, Advocacy, Facilitation, and Restorative Justice, Oxford University Press, Incorporated, 2017. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=4792771. Created from liberty on 2020-01-14 05:32:56.

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are vital to ensuring that the effects of our actions are consistent with our good intentions (Schirch, 2013).

In this chapter, we focus on mindfulness, the continual process of being self- aware, alert, attentive, thoughtful, observant, focused, responsive, engaged, and reflective (Gross, 2014). The first section, “Being Mindful,” describes ways in which we can incorporate mindfulness in all aspects of our lives, professional and nonprofessional, in

times of conflict and in times of peace. By making mindfulness a way of being rather than a state that one turns on and off for particular purposes, we are not only poised and ready to respond to conflict: We are constantly striving toward the ideals of peace, respect, mutual understanding, and patience. We may experience lapses in mindfulness and these ideals. Yet we also have the capacity to self- correct and move on. The second section, “Value and Ethics,” highlights the com- mon values among CR professionals and identifies areas of disagreement among CR profession- als. The third section, “Conflict Styles,” provides a framework for analyzing your predominant orientation toward dealing with conflict. The fifth section, “Basic Skills,” describes communica- tion skills that are fundamental to all modes of CR: listening, questioning, and making state- ments. Although these skills are common to all helping professions, the examples provided are specific to conflict situations. Your challenge is to integrate these skills with the values and theo- ries presented throughout this volume. As Figure 1.1 illustrates, your ability to make deliberate choices depends on your mindfulness, including your ability to reflect on the conflict situation, your emotions and thoughts, and those of others involved in the conflict. As you read on and participate in the exercises, leave yourself time to reflect on what you have learned and consider how these new insights relate to your personal and professional experiences with conflict.

Mindfulness

Theory Skills

ValuesSituation: Self and Other(s)

FIGURE 1.1. Mindfulness Star

BEING MINDFUL

Dalai Lama XIV of Tibet (n.d.) explains, “When we have inner peace, we can be at peace with those around us.”2 Although the Dalai Lama is speaking from a spiritual perspective,

2 Another saying suggests, “Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it” (source unknown).

If you have a conflict, make sure

it’s big enough to matter, and

small enough to do something

about it. —Anonymous

Barsky, Allan. Conflict Resolution for the Helping Professions : Negotiation, Mediation, Advocacy, Facilitation, and Restorative Justice, Oxford University Press, Incorporated, 2017. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=4792771. Created from liberty on 2020-01-14 05:32:56.

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neuroscience confirms the link between our ability to obtain inner peace and our ability to create peace with others. Brain studies have shown that the rational, thinking parts of the brain operate most effectively when people are at ease. When people experience stress, threat, or shame, the autonomic nervous system tends to take over from the frontal lobes of the brain. Unconsciously, the body produces more adrenaline and cortisol, limiting blood flow to areas of the brain where rational thought processes take place (Beausoleil & LeBaron, 2013). Thus, emotions such as anxiety, fear, and embarrassment can hijack the brain. When people feel backed into a corner, for instance, they tend to fall back on primitive instincts, such as fight, flight, freeze, faint, or fret (Lightman, 2004). From an evolutionary perspective, instincts such as fight or flight promoted survival. In a civilized society, however, these instincts may impede handling conflict more effectively. Mindfulness is a key to self- empowerment. As we become more aware of ourselves and automatic responses to stress and conflict, we learn to regulate our cognitive, emotional, and behavioral responses (Gross, 2014). Rather than “fight fire with fire,” for instance, we can take a step back to reflect on the situation and consider more creative ways of responding: applying water to extinguish the fire, wearing fire- retardant clothes for protection, or working with the fire to cook a meal.3 We can use mindfulness to facilitate insight and plan for deliberate action (Galluccio, 2015). We can take the energy from irritation, anxiety, or other emotions and channel it into construc- tive communication, problem solving, or other CR processes (Smyth, 2012).

Neurological research suggests that mindfulness practices retrain the brain (Holzel et al., 2010). Although the brain develops most quickly during infancy and childhood, the neural paths we develop early in life can change. In fact, you can teach an older person new thoughts, behaviors, and ways to respond to emotions. Neuroscientists refer to the capacity of the brain to learn, grow, and change as its plasticity (Siegel, 2010). As CR professionals, we can take advantage of this malleability by retraining our brain regarding how to respond to a broad range of emotions that may arise during conflict situations.

Mindfulness is about being present in the moment, attending to the here and now, understanding the historical and current context, being aware of our strengths and resources, anticipating the future, and being poised and ready to respond to various types of conflict. Mindfulness helps us manage distractions and focus on what is happening in the moment (Goleman, 2013). Mindfulness helps us pay attention in a purposeful and nonjudgmental manner (Bodhi, 2011; Young, 2011). We may have beliefs and values, but we do not cling to them as our source of security and salvation (Hamilton, 2013). Mindfulness involves attending to one’s thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and motivations (Smyth, 2012). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in gray matter density in brain regions involved in learning and memory processes, emotion regulation, self- referential processing, and per- spective taking, abilities that facilitate effective CR (Holzel et al., 2010; S. Goldberg, Sander, Rogers, & Cole, 2012). Research suggests that mindful people are more flexible, as they have the capacity to recognize multiple options rather than rely on old habits or automatic responses. Research also suggests that mindful people tend to be more satisfied with their conflicts and relationships (Oetzel & Ting- Toomey, 2013). Further, mindfulness leads to

3 To avoid automatic (and potentially negative) reactions to triggers, we can use strategies that delay reaction and provide time to develop more positive responses. Rather than fleeing (mentally or physically), we can ask for a time out and then come back after a period of debriefing with a colleague. Rather than fainting (or responding in a befuddled manner), we can let the person know that we need more time to settle down and think through the situation. Rather than freezing, we can restate what the other person has just said, giving us time to think about how to respond. Rather than fretting (or obsessing), give ourselves a reasonable time to process the situation and then move onto other issues (Lightman, 2004).

Barsky, Allan. Conflict Resolution for the Helping Professions : Negotiation, Mediation, Advocacy, Facilitation, and Restorative Justice, Oxford University Press, Incorporated, 2017. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=4792771. Created from liberty on 2020-01-14 05:32:56.

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lower levels of stress, depression, and dysfunctional attitudes (Teasdale, Williams, & Segal, 2014; Young, 2011).

So how does one become mindful, or perhaps more accurately, how does one heighten and maintain mindfulness? We are all born with a capacity for mindfulness, a capacity that can be nurtured and enhanced. Being mindful is an ongoing process (Friedman, 2014). Mindfulness is not about using a single technique when the need arises, although the use of various techniques may contribute to mindfulness: meditation, reflection, self- messaging, and spirituality. Each of these techniques may be used to foster our capacity for mindful- ness, a capacity that we should strive to use throughout the day, every day.

Meditation

My work in CR began as a volunteer mediator for the Brooklyn Mediation Center in the 1980s. Clients often asked what type of meditation we practiced and we had to explain that we provided mediation not meditation. Now that mindfulness has been found to be an inte- gral process for CR practitioners, the question about the type of meditation we practiced might be answered in a different manner. Broadly speaking, meditation refers to a process of training the mind or transforming one’s consciousness for the purpose of developing higher levels of concentration, enlightenment, clarity, compassion, calmness, or inner peace (Chodron, 2013; https:// thebuddhistcentre.com). In our everyday lives, we experience a broad array of dis- tractions, complications, and demands. Engaging in meditation provides us with a special time and place to breathe, quiet the mind, and be in solitude (Warren, Klepper, Lambert, Nunez, & Williams, 2011). By nurturing more lucid awareness, meditation helps us to be more attuned with our thoughts and feelings, preparing us for handling challenges that may arise in our personal and professional lives. We learn to be in the moment, embracing the moment rather than judging or struggling with it.

Regarding CR, meditation prepares us to be in the moment— responsive, nonjudg- mental, and intentional— when interacting with others (Coates, 2015; Hamilton, 2013). As negotiators, meditation can help us respond to others with clear and self- assured minds, rather than with fear or defensiveness. As mediators, meditation can help us become neu- tral observers, listening to each side without becoming biased or emotionally sidetracked. As advocates, meditation can help us relate to the perspectives of each stakeholder and develop strategies that take these perspectives into account.

There are a variety of styles of meditation including Mindfulness/ Vipassana, Zen, Tibetan, and yoga (Hamilton, 2013; Soler et al., 2014). Although many forms of medita- tion are derived from Buddhist philosophies and contemplative methods (Gross, 2014), meditation practices have long existed in other cultures and religions. Prayer, for example, may act as a form of mediation, fostering positive beliefs and mindsets. Meditation prac- tices were not given much credence in medicine and mental health until the late 1970s, when Jon Cabat- Zinn began to study clinical applications of meditation. He documented positive effects of mindful meditation practices for people with depression, stress, chronic pain, and other conditions (Mind & Life Institute, n.d.; Young, 2011). Since then, the value of meditation has been studied in many fields of practice, including CR (Hamilton, 2013).

One of the most common meditation techniques involves breathing exercises. By con- centrating on breathing, we raise awareness of our thoughts, including the mind’s tendency to jump from one thought to another. We also tend to become more relaxed (https:// thebuddhistcentre.com). We allow thoughts, bodily sensations, and feelings to pass freely through our awareness. Eventually, our mind opens. We embrace reality without feeling anxiety. We feel at peace. The universe is unfolding as it should. We are fully in the present. It is as if the past or future does not exist (Hamilton, 2013).

Barsky, Allan. Conflict Resolution for the Helping Professions : Negotiation, Mediation, Advocacy, Facilitation, and Restorative Justice, Oxford University Press, Incorporated, 2017. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=4792771. Created from liberty on 2020-01-14 05:32:56.

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https://thebuddhistcentre.com
https://thebuddhistcentre.com
https://thebuddhistcentre.com
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There are many variations of breathing exercises, some inviting you to concentrate on various parts of your body, or to tense and release muscles through parts of your body as you breathe. Other meditation techniques include walking, yoga, pacing slowly through labyrinths, and other movements or physical exercises (A. Cohen, Green, & Partnow, 2012; Teasdale, Williams, & Segal, 2014). Repetitive actions permit the mind to wander, focus, and quiet down. Meditation techniques may be enhanced by focusing on particular words, thoughts, prayers, or visualizations. Using visualization, for example, you might imagine your best self— picturing yourself presenting with all your best qualities and receiving kind, loving responses from those around you (Schussel & Miller, 2013). Alternatively, you could visualize yourself in a conflict situation, responding to the other person with understand- ing, compassion, and creativity. You may also use meditation to cultivate your intention, for example, preparing yourself to be a good listener in an upcoming conversation (Hamilton, 2013). Research suggests that no one form of meditation works best; further, the frequency of meditating is more important than the duration (Soler et al., 2014). Thus, it is better to meditate for 10 minutes each day than to meditate for 40 minutes twice a week.

To facilitate mindfulness and healing, we can make use of meditation spaces that are serene and beautiful— to our senses of sight, smell, hearing, and touch. When we enter calm and soothing environments, our brains produce more dopamine, the neurotransmit- ter that increase feelings of happiness and decrease feelings of anxiety or stress (Sternberg, 2013). Thus, we can choose special fragrances, music, and surroundings to facilitate experi- ences of emotional and physical well- being.

Research suggests that anger, frustration, and other emotions evoked in one situa- tion tend to carry over into subsequent situations (Lerner, Small, & Loewenstein, 2004). Consider a client who questions your integrity, making you feel defensive. To avoid the carryover effect, it would be helpful to spend a few minutes meditating prior to seeing your next client. Cultivating peacefulness and positive emotions helps you and your client. Your optimism, delight, and gratitude may have contagious effects on everyone around you.

Just as bears hibernate and trees go dormant in the winter, remember that “down time” is not wasted time, but rather time for needed rest and rejuvenation (Warren et al., 2011). So, as you read through this volume, remember to take a break, meditate, rest your body, embrace stillness, allow your mind to drift, and then return to your studies with a greater sense of purpose and clarity. Remember also to use breathing exercises, visualization, posi- tive self- messages, or other forms of mediation to center yourself before dealing with an important conflict. These techniques can help you remain calm, focused, purposeful, non- judgmental, and free from distraction.

Reflection

Reflection in professional practice is like looking in a mirror, except the reflection goes much deeper than physical appearance. When practitioners reflect on themselves, they strive to become mindful of what feelings are being evoked (the affective domain), what thoughts are going on in their mind (the cognitive domain), and how they present themselves (the behavioral domain). Ideally, practitioners have a high level of self- awareness during their interventions (reflection in action). Because we are all in the process of developing greater self- awareness in the moment, we can all benefit from deliberating before an inter- vention and reflecting back afterward (Lang, 2004). This process may be as simple as taking a few moments before and after an intervention to mull over thoughts and feelings in your head (Friedman, 2014). Reflection allows us to take a step back and look at the situation from different perspective. If we are feeling frustrated with the other person, we can reflect on what is making us feel frustrated. We can then reflect on what could make us feel more

Barsky, Allan. Conflict Resolution for the Helping Professions : Negotiation, Mediation, Advocacy, Facilitation, and Restorative Justice, Oxford University Press, Incorporated, 2017. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=4792771. Created from liberty on 2020-01-14 05:32:56.

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calm and understanding, for instance, imagining the other person as a young child, consid- ering how the other person has also suffered, or thinking of things to appreciate about the other person (A. Cohen et al., 2012).

Writing journal entries or brief descriptions after your meetings can be used to heighten your awareness of your responses to particular situations, while providing a record that will enable you to review your reactions and progress over time. When you write in your jour- nal, allow your thoughts and feelings to flow freely. You are writing the journal for your own purposes, so you need not self- censor material that may seem embarrassing if you shared it with others (A. Cohen et al., 2012). If you are embarrassed that you overreacted to a client’s complaint, or if you are dealing with ill feelings toward a colleague, be honest in your writ- ing. Give yourself a chance to process these personal thoughts and feelings.

Peer consultation or clinical supervision can also support your reflective efforts (Friedman, 2014). Consultants or supervisors help you identify underlying thoughts and feelings. They ask questions to raise insights and encourage you to explore areas that you might have missed. In other words, they assist with reflection by holding a mirror so you can look more closely at yourself (Kadushin & Harkness, 2014). Finally, you can use the discussions, inventories, and exercises in a CR course for interactive reflection. View your teachers and classmates as a community of educators and learners who help one another through giving and receiving feedback. You can facilitate greater self- awareness and new insights by sharing experiences and asking each other questions (McGuire & Inlow, 2005).

Consider your work with a client who seems unappreciative of your help. Initially, you feel frustrated with the client. Upon reflection, you ponder your underlying intentions. Were you really focused on the client’s agenda, or were you more focused on your own? Perhaps your frustration was not caused by the client’s lack of appreciation, but rather your difficulty connecting with the client’s concerns. Being able to identify the sources of one’s frustration or other feelings helps us focus our attention on the true issues. We are bet- ter able to assess factors contributing to the conflict, as well as how to solve the problems (Galluccio, 2015).

When conflict arises, emotions are apt to mount. Unchecked, emotions such as anger, fear, frustration, excitement, despair, and vengeance can lead to escalation of conflict (K. Kim, Cundiff, & Choi, 2014). CR professionals need to be aware of their emotions— not to squelch them, but to ensure that these feelings do not impair their ability to deal with con- flict effectively. Reflection helps practitioners identify their natural emotional responses to various types of conflict, particularly what “pushes their buttons.” Once awareness is raised, practitioners can strategize how to deal with difficult situations, rather than simply lay blame or respond out of defensiveness. Reflection is also part of self- care for a professional. By attending to your own feelings, you can ensure that you do not become overstressed, disil- lusioned, or consumed by the conflicts you are managing (Grellert, 1991). In the following sections, we explore reflections on particular emotions and cultural influences.

1. Reflecting on Emotions Emotional intelligence refers to our capacity for self- awareness, self- regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills (Goleman, 2006; N. Katz & Sosa, 2015). Self- awareness includes our metacognitive ability to accurately identify and assign intentions, desires, beliefs, and emotional states to ourselves and to others (Galluccio, 2015). Self- regulation allows us to manage moods, so that we are not acting simply on impulse. Building on self- awareness, self- regulation involves a conscious appraisal of the situation and a deliberate choice about how to respond (Gross, 2014). Motivation means being in touch with internal concerns that compel us to pursue particular goals. Empathy is the capacity to understand and respond with compassion to the emotions of others. Social skills include verbal and nonverbal

Barsky, Allan. Conflict Resolution for the Helping Professions : Negotiation, Mediation, Advocacy, Facilitation, and Restorative Justice, Oxford University Press, Incorporated, 2017. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=4792771. Created from liberty on 2020-01-14 05:32:56.

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communication competencies that help us build rapport, find common ground, and man- age relationships with others. People with higher levels of emotional intelligence are better able to manage conflict because they are better able to express positive emotions, manage negative emotions, build trust with others, consider their perspectives, and find common ground (K. Kim et al., 2014). Although each of us has a certain level of emotional intel- ligence, we can enhance our ability to deal with emotions through social and emotional learning, including the processes of reflection and self- awareness (CASEL, 2015).

Emotions serve many purposes. They focus our attention, tune our decision mak- ing, facilitate social interactions, and enhance our memory (Gross, 2014). Emotions also inspire people, providing motivation or impetus to make changes. Whether you are feeling love, joy, respect, happiness, fear, jealousy, guilt, or some other emotion, it is helpful to understand the purposes of the emotion, how you naturally tend to respond, and how you can respond deliberately to foster peace and CR. Notice feelings as they arise and allow your body to respond spontaneously. Rather than trying to deny or control your emotions, experience emotions in an authentic, nonjudging manner (Hamilton, 2013). Feelings per se are neither good nor bad. Regardless of whether the feeling is enjoyable or painful, it is a common human experience. Use yourself as a guide— if a situation makes you mildly angry and your client furious, you can begin to question what has caused the difference in your responses. Are you acting on different information? Are your perceptions differ- ent? Are you affected by the same conflict in a different manner? Given these differences, an intervention that works for you may not work for the client. Emotions affect how you think, how you behave, and even how you respond physiologically (e.g., rising blood pres- sure when feeling stressed). All emotions have the ability to help or inhibit your ability to deal with conflict (Oetzel & Ting- Toomey, 2013). This section explores five examples— liking, disliking, anger, hurt, and shame— to show why it is important to continually strive for mindfulness of your emotions.

Feelings of liking and disliking can affect your responses to conflict in many ways. If you like one client more than another, for instance, you might unconsciously show favoritism to the one you like. If you strongly dislike a coworker, you might automatically discount that person’s suggestions, even when the suggestions are reasonable. If you are very fond of your neighbors, you might be naturally inclined to acquiesce to their requests, even when they are unreasonable. By continually observing your feelings of liking and disliking, you can choose more deliberately how to respond (T. Fisher, Alol, & Wingate, 2005).

Anger is one of the most pervasive emotions in conflict situations. Depending on how we use anger, it can energize us toward either constructive or destructive responses. When we try to hold anger in, it tends to build inside and surface in ways that we have no con- trol over (e.g., headaches or other somatic responses, passive- aggressive behavior, clouded thinking, or conflict avoidance). Conversely, if we ventilate or dump our anger on another person, then we are likely to exacerbate the conflict. If we learn to channel our anger toward dealing with the rudimental problems, then it acts as a positive force. We can also try to re- interpret situations in a more positive fashion (Lightman, 2004). Rather than getting angry with a homeless client for lying, we can interpret the client’s lying as a survival skill. Self- awareness helps us avoid even subtle responses that may be perceived negatively by others. When we feel contempt, for instance, we tend to smile with one side of our mouth (Freshman, 2005). By avoiding this type of half- smile, we can project more construc- tive messages through our body language.

Anger may be either a primary or second- ary emotion. A primary emotion is an immediate

“The reason your mother can push

your buttons the most is because she’s

the one who put them there.”

—Robin Williams

Barsky, Allan. Conflict Resolution for the Helping Professions : Negotiation, Mediation, Advocacy, Facilitation, and Restorative Justice, Oxford University Press, Incorporated, 2017. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=4792771. Created from liberty on 2020-01-14 05:32:56.

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physiological reaction that one initially experiences in response to a new social situation. A secondary emotion arises after the primary emotion, as it is processed through ones thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes. If you feel angry about something, it may be helpful to look beneath this anger to determine what other emotions may also be operating. For example, your anger at a client may be rooted in frustration with the client’s lack of progress in ther- apy. Your anger at a supervisor may be derived from fear that the supervisor will chastise you for making a mistake. Your anger at colleagues who are leaving your agency stem from feeling hurt, abandoned, or perhaps jealous about their new positions. Once you identify your underlying emotions, you can begin to process them. This could mean letting a client know you feel frustrated by the lack of progress made in therapy, asking your supervisor for support rather than censure, or letting your colleagues know that you will miss them. This allows you to take responsibility for your own anger, while communicating your underlying feelings in a nonthreatening manner. You do not need to be stoic or pretend your anger does not exist. Even if you lose your temper, you can work to regain your composure, engage in frank discussions of the discord, and re- assert the search for insight, problem solving, col- laboration, and peace (Hamilton, 2013). As discussed earlier regarding mindfulness, let go of any judgment regarding your anger or other emotions (Friedman, 2014). Simply be aware of them.

Hurt means feeling emotional anguish or pain from a perceived injury or violation from others. Conflict situations are often accompanied by hurt feelings as people experience some combination of confrontation, stress, loss, personal attacks, and physical or financial damages. It is OK to feel hurt, and to express such feelings through crying, writhing, vent- ing, and so on. Accepting and expressing feelings are the first steps to processing them. When people feel hurt, they may become self- absorbed, focusing on their own concerns (Bush & Folger, 2005). To move beyond hurt and self- absorption, it may be useful to iden- tify one’s underlying needs (Rosenberg, 2003). If someone has attacked me, is my primary need to feel safe, to feel whole, or to feel respected? How can I transmute my suffering into feelings that will serve more positive purposes? I am not denying that I feel hurt. Rather than feeling self- pity, however, perhaps I can open my heart to compassion, fearlessness, courage, curiosity, and other feelings that will help me connect with others and move on (Hamilton, 2013).

Shame refers to feelings of distress stemming from awareness of a personal trait or core aspect of one’s identity that is inconsistent with social norms or one’s internalized expecta- tions of self (Behrendt & Ben- Ari, 2012). Shame is related to feelings of dishonor, embar- rassment, and disgrace. Shame challenges feelings of self- love. Feelings of shame may be triggered when the socially undesirable trait is exposed to others, although shame may also be felt as disappointment in oneself without exposing the trait to others. When people feel shame, they tend to experience a number of challenges in dealing with conflict:

• Shame arouses anger, suspicion, and resentment. • Shame is associated with expressions of aggression toward the self, the other, or the sur-

rounding environment. • Shame encourages nonconstructive responses to conflict, including withdrawal, lower-

quality solutions to problems, and reduced expectations of fulfilling any solutions. • Shame leads people to focus on themselves and disregard the needs and interests of oth-

ers (Bader, 2011; Behrendt & Ben- Ari, 2012).

Given the potential impact of shame, self- awareness and deliberate responses are crucial. Consider an African American professional who is enraged by a racist joke or a practitioner with schizophrenia who feels threatened when others discover her history of mental illness.

Barsky, Allan. Conflict Resolution for the Helping Professions : Negotiation, Mediation, Advocacy, Facilitation, and Restorative Justice, Oxford University Press, Incorporated, 2017. ProQuest Ebook Central, http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID=4792771. Created from liberty on 2020-01-14 05:32:56.

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Rather than responding based on raw emotion, they may reflect on the source of these feel- ings and try to find appropriate outlets for them. Some issues may be dealt with in profes- sional supervision; others through therapy or some of the mindfulness strategies described earlier. Simply taking time out, reflecting, and returning to the conflict with renewed focus may be helpful.

Face refers to one’s sense of responsibility and honor, the desire to avoid embarrassment or shame (Hamilton, 2013). If we can be aware of comments that push our buttons or easily embarrass us, we are better prepared to save face; that is, protect our self- image. In the long term, we can take steps to build our pride and positive sense of self. Having a secure self- image allows us to be assertive of our interests, without becoming aggressive or defensive when we are challenged (Bader, 2011). In the short- term, we can practice responses that separate our feelings from the problems that we are trying to resolve and the professional behaviors that we need to put into practice. When our identity or sense of self- worth is chal- lenged, we may use positive self- messages such as, “Let it go,” “I am a good person,” “Don’t sweat the small stuff,” or “I am not the issue. The issue is …” It is OK to feel vulnerable. Vulnerability allows us to open ourselves to others. Vulnerability is not weakness, but rather the courage to be honest (B. Brown, 2012). Instead of trying to save face, we can take pride in who we are.

When we feel threatened or ashamed, we can take ownership of our feelings. We can avoid blaming others for how we are feeling. We can identify needs that are related to our feelings. And we can listen to others with concern and empathy (Rosenberg, 2003). I recall an instance when a client called me a “stupid faggot.” Initially, I blushed and felt defensive. Then, I felt angry. I owned my anger. The client’s statement triggered my anger, but it was something inside me that made me feel angry. Further, something inside me could help me deal with my anger. Composing myself was not easy. I told myself, “Yes, I am gay and this is no cause for shame.” I needed to be comfortable with myself before I could focus on the work that I needed to do with this client. My client did not need judging or condemnation. He needed my understanding and support.

Another aspect of emotional regulation concerns how we express emotions in profes- sional situations (N. Katz & Sosa, 2015). Display of emotions varies depending on the model of intervention. A psychoanalyst presents with little emotion, allowing clients to open up and transfer feelings onto an empathic, nonjudgmental listener. A motivational educator, in contrast, presents with enthusiasm and dramatic techniques in order to sell the message. Similarly, different models of CR work best with different types of emo- tional expression. Mediators who want to demonstrate impartiality avoid displaying plea- sure or displeasure with one party or the other. Advocates who want to persuade decision makers might use emotional displays to win sympathy. Negotiators who prefer not to tip their hand (e.g., disclose their bottom line) mute their expressions of emotion. Teachers who impose consequences for student misbehavior refrain from showing pleasure in imposing the consequences. Certainly, different situations call for differential use of self.