The hard truth about soft skills peggy klaus pdf

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I: THE HARD TRUTH

A B O U T

Soft Skills Workplace Lessons Smart People

Wish They'd Learned Sooner

PEGGY KLAUS Author of BRAG! The Art of Tooting Your

Own Horn Without Blowing It

6 Introduction

the danger zone and why it's critically important ro learn rhe un-

spoken rules of your workplace. I'll highlight some of the essen- tial sofi: skills of office politics: organizational awareness,

spreading your influence, having a mentor, managing up, deflect-

ing gossip, and handling office romance.

Chapter 6 starts off with a simple quesrion: "Do you chink

branding is just for cows and chat brag is a four-letter word?" If so, think again. In this chapter, I'll be covering some of the key

soft skills associated with self-promotion, from personal branding

so you stand our in the crowd to learning how to toot your own

hom----especially when surrounded by people with sharp elbows.

As the forces of technology and globalization merge, our work-

places are becoming increasingly diverse. The lessons in chapter 7 highlight the factors chat can bring abom friction, while offering

a whole slew of soft skills for dealing with issues that rise from

generational, gender, and cultural differences: emotional self-

comrol, motivating chose who operate from a different competi-

tive mind-set, finding the best in every person, and keeping

ourselves in check when it comes to stereotyping.

Do you have an assistant? Surprise! You're a manager. While

for many the holy grail is a position in management, not every-

one is cut out for the job--and those who do advance into man-

agement roles often struggle with their leadership skills. From

recognizing your strengths and weaknesses so you can address shortcomings to influencing people to think and act the way you

want, in chapter 8 I'll uncover some of the most important sofr skills just beneath the surface of good leadership. I'll end with some final thoughts on the benefits of having enough humiliry co

know when it's time 10 go back to the drawing board. So keep reading, and you'll find out more about how soft skills

have a tremendous effect on nearly everything you need to do to

ger ahead at work. And that's rhe hard truth.

One

CONTROL YOURSELF

• Knowing yourself is as important as knowing how to do the job.

• There's no such thing as work-life balance, only trade-offs.

• Years ofloyahy can work against you.

• Listen to your gut-it's full of data.

• No risks, no rewards.

• Get out of your own way.

• Learn the honest truth about integrity.

• You have to be good to be lucky.

A few years ago, an HR executive at a Formne 500 company said to me, "Peggy, I can't believe how many people believe their bosses wake up in the morning chinking, 'Gee, lee's see what I can do for you today."' Her point was this: Chances are, nobody will ever care about your career more than you do---except for, well, maybe your parents or spouse. This means you must rake respon-

sibility for managing your own career-don't even think about

leaving it to anyone else. I'm not saying that those around you at

work aren't interested in helping you succeed. But their focus is mainly on themselves-their own projects, trajectory, and ca- reers.

8 THE HARD TRUTH ABOUT SDFT SKILLS

And similarly, your focus should remain squarely on you. Even when you don't work for yourself, managing your own career means wearing the many hats of an entrepreneur. Start thinking

like the CEO, marketing manager, sales force, HR director, head

of product design, and talent coordinator of your own com- pany-a company of one, which is you.

Why is it so important that you take the reins when it comes to career management? First, gone are the days of job security. Mergers, acquisitions, downsizing, and international competition have done away with that. The average working American will now have between ten and twelve jobs and three to five careers

during h.is or her lifetime. Second, people across the board-in- cluding your boss, his or her boss, and the HR director-are

being asked to juggle more and more assignments, often combin- ing the responsibilities of two or three people into one job. Most of the folks you assume are thinking about your career simply don't have the time or the energy, and you certainly can't expect them to be psychic when it comes to knowing what you want for your future. Third, those who let their careers "just happen" or

expect employers to orchestrate them will end up disappointed. Unfonunately, most graduates are completely unprepared for their first encounter with these harsh realities---especially given that some of them have grown accustomed ro e-mailing their col- lege papers home for their parents to edit!

~'hether just starting out or well on your way, one of the most important things you can do is take responsibility for yourself- your career, your goals, and your own behavior. Doing so begins with a very healthy dose of self-awareness and a commitment to self-management. Indeed, both are at the foundation of soft skills mastery-you'll see them time and time again throughout the rest of the book. In the lessons presentecl in this chapter, you'll find a variety of soft skiHs at play, including engaging in self-

Control Yourself 9

assessment on a continual basis, being personally accountable, creating a work life that makes sense, taking risks, listening to

your inruition, and attracting luck. I'll also touch upon another soft skills area that will never go out of style: old-fashioned hon-

esty and inregriry.

KNOWING YOURSELF IS AS IMPORTANT AS KNOWING HOW TO DO THE JOB.

"Climb every mountain / Ford every stream/ Follow every rain- bow / TiU you find your dream." Sound familiar? Sometimes

when auending professional conferences, I feel like I am in a

never-ending stage production of The Sound of Music. Motiva- tional speakers shout from on high, "Follow your passion! If you think it, you ·will achieve it." I swear, if I hear one more person say something like that, 1'm going off a Swiss alp. Which is prob- ably why I relate so well to people who tell me how they wish they'd realized sooner that being passionate about something doesn't automatically mean you'll have the talent or aptitude to

be successful at it. And even having all three-passion, talent, and aptirude-still doesn't guarantee success. One way of finding your bliss, your life's work, or simply something you won't mind

spending eight to ten hours doing each day is to get to know

yourself really, really well. From my front-row seat, there's nothing soft about caking a

hard look at who you are. After more than a decade of coaching people on all rungs of the career ladder, I find time and time again that the ones who have never taken an inventory of them- selves wind up doing things that they aren't successful at or are miserable doing. They haven't thought enough about what kinds of tasks they like and dislike, which talents and interests they want to incorporate into their work life, or how their strengths

10 THE HARD TRUTH ABOUT SOFT SKILLS

and weaknesses might impact career choices. It's pretty simple,

acmally. Each of us has special gifts char are better suited t0 cer- tain kinds of careers than others. If you seek our a line of work that's a good match, you'll more likely flourish. If you pursue an incompatible line of work, you'll more likely struggle. In order to

learn where you'll thrive the most, rake the time to ger to know yourself better. Think of it as buying a special type of insurance chat will make you less vulnerable to heartaches, anxiety, stress,

and losing rime or money. That said, knowing what you are best suited doing workwise

can be tricky. It's not always clear where your strengths lie from the start, so it can take some time and experience to figure it out. And sometimes we can learn the most from paying attention to our weaknesses. This was the case for thirty-eight-year-old Marta.

In the early years of her career, Marta changed jobs so often that it started to raise eyebrov,·s and make potential employers think she was uncommitted, flighty, or someone who bored easily. in fact, her college friends nicknamed her "Froggy" from watching her leap from one job to another. Bm once she exam- ined her strengths, she realized something very powerful about herself: she was what you could call a "fixer-upper"-nor of old homes, but of businesses. ,!\:; she explains, "I held a series of man- agement positions at midsized firms. Each time I was hired, I was drawn into spending significant amounts of time finding ways to overhaul and improve the organization. As soon as things were running smoothly, I would become restless and move on to the next company and challenge." At first this pattern caused her to doubt her ability to stick with a position. The more she thought about it, however, the more she realized that her real passion and talent was not as a manager but as a business development spe- cialist. So before her habit of switching jobs could become a career liability, she decided rn launch her own consulting firm,

Control Yourself 11

which has since grown into a multimillion-dollar operation.

Whether just starting our or farther along the parh, becoming and remaining successful is dependent not just on knowing who you are and what you are great at, buc also on knowing how others think about you-even when the review is unfavorable.

This means embracing your annual performance appraisal or

360-degree assessment (an approach that incorporates compre- hensive feedback from everyone who interacts with you at

work-colleagues, supervisors, team members, clients, and direct reports). Use these as an opportunity to chink about your compe- tencies and achievements, identify gaps, and make sure you are staying on track for doing what you want to do. Yes, what you want! Not what your parents, spouse, or bosses have in mind. Ad- ditionally, particularly in the early years of work or during a major transition, many people find meeting with a career coun-

selor very helpful and clarifying.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS WORK-LIFE BALANCE, ONLY TRADE-OFFS.

"Peggy, for years l've juggled it all between my personal and pro- fessional life and I have just one thing to say about work-life bal- ance: There's no such thing!" said Gabriella, the district manager for a major software development company. "I've had to come to terms with the fact that I can't be perfect or do it all, at least not

all at the same time. Some days I'm a better sales manager than mother, other days a better spouse than a boss." She proceeded to explain that meshing work with life is an ongoing process of making choices and trade-offs, not some static state you achieve

called balance. I couldn't agree more. As Dr=, one of my CEO clients, puts

it, "If you keep adding new things to your plate, something that's

12 THE HARD TRUTH ABOUT SOFT SKILLS

already th ere is going to slide o ff" In his case, he was lamen ting

over what happened when his wife sent him to the grocery store

over die weeken d to pick up a few items. She h ad given him a list

that instructed him to " buy a box o f Danny's favo ri te cereal."

Standing there in the aisle, scanning the rows of colorful boxes,

h e reaJized that he had absolutely no clue which one was his four- year-old's favorite. T h.is got him wondering: \X'hen was the last

times he had even been h ome wh en his son was caring breakfast?

Which begged an even bigger question: Was this the life he wanted?

A major pare of kn owing yourself is making sure the career you create makes sense with the rest o f your life. Just like you check the oil in your car, check in with yourself on a regular b asis to keep tabs on how your trade-offs are affecting you. While it's

true that certain person al characteristics remain c onscant, other

aspects continue to evolve as we go. O ftentimes life intervenes

and the objectives chat once drove us, the values chat influence our b ehavior, o r our tolerance for risk change. What we were

doing when we were younger m ay no longer suit us as we hit mid dle age. W e get married or we get divorced. C hildren enter

the picture and the circumstances in which we do o ur work mat-

ters more than the actual work we do. Or che busin ess climate

alters. The company gets sold. A new boss enters the picture. The

firm o r rhe economy hits a downturn. Or we simply become bored and restless from doing che sam e old thin g. T he ways i n

which our lives alter over time are en dless. So chat's wh y it's im-

p era tive to review on a regular basis your values, goals, and objec-

tives to make sure that your work life and the rest of your life are

still a good fit in terms o f the trade-of& you are making. One of my drama-school friends from England-a very good

actor and director-is the p erfect examp le of someone who was in

desp erate need o f a work-life rune-up . After two decades in "the

Control Yourself 13

business," h e was still earning a marginal income. H e had to admit

to himself thac not only was h e never going to become a star earn-

ing the big bucks, but there were no signs of him being able to

support himself and hi s wife-and certainly not the children they were hoping to h ave someday-in the sryle he h ad imagined. It was then he realized that during the years, his greatest strength-

his talent as an acto r- had become his biggest liability by prevent- ing him from h aving the life he wanted. So, yearning fo r a steadier

paycheck , he put the word o ut that he was looking for a new line of work, something that would build off his creative strengths as a performer and as a "people person." Befo re lo n g, he picked up a temporary assignment with a consulting company coaching busi-

ness p rofessionals on their presentation skills. Not only was he happily ab le to use many of h is acting and directing skills, but the

firm eventually hired him fo r a full-time position, which he h as

held fo r the last five years. And, jusr last summer, h e asked for and was given six weeks off so he could direct a production of Shake-

speare's Twelfth Night in Sweden. Finally, he's crafted a career for himself that he finds very rewarding on all levels.

So whenever your circumstances significantly change or you

are feeling d issatisfied about work , do a "trade-off assessment" of

how you r career choices are impacting your overall life. Pay atten-

tion co gaps between the kind of life you want and the life you are

actually living. If there are any big discrepancies, consider how to

better align the two spheres and construct a career that makes

more sense. First and foremost, assess your employer's policies (flex rim e,

pare-time, etc.) and think about where you might be able co

stretch them , like proposing a job share when there isn't already a

program for that. ln other words, don't rule things out just be-

cause the company or someone in your d epartment has never

done som ething before.

14 THE HARD TRUTH ABOUT SOFT SKILLS

For insrance, Lorraine, a fairly senior manager at a pharmaceu-

tical company and mother of two young children, was going through a difficult divorce and had reached her wits' end. "[ just can't do rhis anymore. I'm going to march right in there and resign," she announced to me.

"Whoa! " I said. "Sic down and don't do a thing unril we hash this out."

With nearly full custody of the children, she really needed more time at home instead of traveling so much. Lorraine

longed to walk her kids to school and meet them when they got off the bus, at least one day a week. For several months, she had

been thinking about asking her boss if she could work from home on Fridays. But Lorraine was afraid to broach rhis, espe- cially since she was worried about how the team of twenty

people she manages-many with children themselves-would react.

"If you don't ask, you don't get. What's the very worst thing that could happen?" I asked her. Together, she and I role-played various scenarios, including possible responses from her boss. The

next day she approached him. She said she felt like she was facing a firing squad.

Apparently, her fretting had been a total misfire. Her boss was incredibly understanding, "I didn't know you were going through all of this. W'hy didn't you mention it earlier? Of course you can take Fridays at home. Figure our how you can stay in touch with your group on that day and what you need to do to shore things up to make it work out as well as possible. In fact, if you need to work from home for rwo days for a while, then do that."

Sometimes we work ourselves up into such a dither that we

box ourselves in and fail to see the possibilities. While Lorraine finally calmed down, she realized that when it comes to most things in life--including your career-everything's negotiable.

Control Yourself 15

Start off by getring clear with yourself about what you wane and what trade-offs you are willing to make and live with. For

instance, are you willing to rake a new job or lesser position within your existing company that you might not enjoy as much, but that offers a more flexible schedule? Can you afford earning a smaller salary for a job that better fits your current needs? Once

you determine what will work best for you, strategize how to make it happen. Identify people who have been successful navi-

gating through the company to gee what they need and ask them for advice. Then go for it. Bocrom line? 'While it's true char if you ask for something you may not get it, if you don't ask, you defi- nitely won't get it!

YEARS OF LOYALTY CAN WORK AGAINST YOU.

In recent years, the revolving-door model of gaining job experi- ence has taken root. I get whiplash just looking at Gen X and Y resumes and seeing how much they jump around. One thing's for

sure: The number of years you stay with a company, which used to be a big selling point, is out the window. The world of hiring has been turned upside down. Now when HR looks at someone who has worked at the same place for ten years, all sorts of alarm bells go off-she can't be much of a risk taker; he's not cutting edge enough. Translation: old school. Dead weight. Dinosaur.

Today's organizations value people who are versatile. Presum- ably, if you've moved around from job to job--within reason, of course, and wirh good recommendations-you've been exposed

to a wide range of situations and have demonstrated your ability to succeed in a business climate marked by constant change. Now, this doesn't mean that you need to start job-hopping or

become a generalist. The key is to strike the right balance between taking on new positions and roles to increase your range of

16 THE HARD TRUTH ABOUT SO FT SKILLS

skills-which, by che way, can often be accomplished while work-

ing at the same company-and at che same time developing a reputation fo r being really good at something.

Don'c wait like Sam did until i.t's too late. Sam had \vorked his way up in sales and marketing for one of the largest sponing goods manufacturers in the United Scares. Although he had been approached by competitors throughout the years, Sam loved the firm and had no intention of ever leavi ng. Then the company went through some major changes. Compecicion from lower- priced overseas m anufacturers became fierce. The company was reorganized and downsized. During that period, Sam heard about

an opening in another area of the firm and decided ic was finally

the time to stretch himself and try something different, even without a pay increase. He was complecdy shocked, however, when che higher-ups came back saying, "We really don't see you as having che skills fo r taki ng on chis challenge." As Sam later found o ut, rhe company no longer had the luxury co risk purring someone in a position who might not succeed. He was about

seven years too lace. And rhen officials lowered the boom even more, announcing char w hile he could stay at the company, he would soon be demoted from his position as head of sales and

marketing. They were bringing in a new leadership ream with mo re e-railing experience. In the end, Sam took early reti rement.

If you wane to stay competitive and ahead of the game, keep your hard skills sharp. Making chis happen is not your employer's responsibili cy, ic's yours. Benchmark your skills against your orga- nization's competency profiles----the proficiencies and behaviors needed to succeed-for each level of your job. If yo ur company's uaining or HR department doesn't provide these for you, ger co know ochers in your field and find our what new skills they are cackling. Determine which of your own competency gaps are the most critical for success in your position and find ways ro fill

Control Yourself 17

them, even if it m eans taking special cou rses on your own time using your own money. And if you can't develop your skilJs any

further at your current job or position-think about finding a new one!

We're all fami liar with the expression that the only constant is change. Although chis thoughr can be traced all che way back to

the Greek philosopher Heracleirus, it's never been truer than ir is t0day. Change has become a mainstay of the workplace. While

change can lead us to new opportunities, stimulate personal growth, and produce positive outcomes, we rend to resist it due ro the difficulties and obstacles it brings in the short run. To suc-

cessfully manage the transitions chat will inevitably impact your life, remain flexible, bring your creativity, and embrace the jour- ney of self-development. Success isn't a destination at which yo u finally arrive or a panoply of accumulated awards. Instead, ic's a continual process that, like your career, continues until the day you retire.

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT-IT'S FULL OF DATA.

Ir's obvious that we should "think things over" before making de- cisions. But what about "feeling chem over"? You know, checking

in with your gut-or w hat some call incui rioo , which can be an important source of information during the decision-making process. How something sits with you is not just based on a tangle of emotions. Your gut contai ns a complete internal data

bank full of valuable knowledge and experience. Although you should pay attention to your gut, char doesn't

necessarily mean you should follow exactly what it cells you! Al-

though always informative, sometimes your gut feelings arc irra- tional. For example, o ne of my colleagues w as interviewing someone who was making him feel so uneasy that he didn't want

18 THE HARD TRUTH ABOUT SOFT SKILLS

to hire her. He couldn't figure out the source of his discomfort. She presented herself well, was articulate and personable, and had a terrific track record. By examining why his initial reaction was negative, he realized that her mannerisms reminded him of his

older sister, with whom he had never gotten along. Did this pre- vent him from hiring the talented candidate? No. But he recog- nized the need to be careful about assuming she was going to be like· his sister. By doing so, he \vas able to detach from his first impression and go on to form a positive relationship with the

new hire on the basis of her actual performance. Conversely, v..,e've all heard "something didn't feel quite right"

stories in which trusting one's gut saved the day. Gregory, a finan- cial manager, had such an experience. Reviewing plans for a major business acquisition, he had the sense that something didn't sit quite right, even though everyone else involved v-:as ready to say yes to the deal. \X'hile he couldn't put his finger on it, he kept feeling something was amiss and went over everyming one more time, spending most of a weekend combing the paper- work Sure enough, there ii was, buried deep inside a report-a miscalculation that everyone had missed. The proposal seemed too good to be true because it was. Exploring his gut reaction saved the company from making a big mistake to the tune of $3

million! Listening to your gut can give you invaluable insights if you

approach it in a measured way. Next time your gm is calling, do

the following:

• Observe what you are feeling.

• Put the feelings in words.

• Ask yo urself whether your feeli ngs are based on a legitimate

or an irrational interpretation of the situation.

Control Yourself 19

• If the answer is that the feelings are based on an irrational interpretation or assumption on your part, then recognize where they are coming from-as did my colleague above who realized rhe job candidate reminded him of his sister-and move on without letting yourself be

unreasonably influenced by those feelings.

• If you think that your feelings are based on legitimate concerns, then explore them further before moving forward.

• Before sharing your gut feelings with others, make sure you can support them with a thoughtfully reasoned-out position.

NO RISKS, NO REWARDS.

Bill, a senior attorney whom I was coaching through a difficult transition, like so many seasoned professionals I've encountered, was learning a lesson long past due: to get what he wanted, he was going ro have to step our of his comfort zone and take some risks. After years of making personal sacrifices for work, Bill was

coming to grips with the realization that he would probably never make partner. AB we discussed his next move, he paused and said to me, "I've never gotten used to worrying about billable hours and the stress of working ninety hours a week. I've never really admitted this before, but the truth is I wish I could just teach law. \\'.'hen I've taken on the occasional night course, J loved being around the students and the academic environment." Hallelujah, the truth comes out. Let's hope it sets Bill free.

So what's your tolerance for risk? Earlier in this chapter, I talked about how change is not only desirable but inevitable, whether welcomed or no.t. Even if you are happily humming along in your

20 THE HARD TRUTH ABOUT SOFT SKILLS

own little world, you aren't exempt. Like an unexpected guest,

change will encroach. Your company merges or goes under. A new boss comes on the scene. There's a reorganization and you're given

different responsibilities. Amid it all, one thing's for certain.

Change will force you to make choices that involve varying de-

grees of risk. So ask yourself this: How you are going to deal with

risk when it comes knocking at your door? Will you run and hide

or embrace it with open arms? The best way to prepare for risk is

to become aware of your comfort level with it in general.

Those who are risk averse like the comfort and security of doing the same things over and over again. There's really nothing

wrong with that unless it stops you from making improvements

to a less-than-optimal situation. I've known people who are truly

unhappy with their jobs, but sit around complaining for years on

end instead of doing something to change the situation. And it's

often due ro an aversion ro raking risk or trying something new,

as was the case for Bill, the attorney at the beginning of chis sec- tion.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not asking you to engage in

what's called risky behavior, which refers to doing things that are

impulsive or even dangerous. Some people are too impulsive and

need to be more cautious. That was the case with Charlie. The

founder and executive director of a large nonprofir, he was tem-

porarily lured away by a lucrative job with an up-and-coming

consulting firm. Burned out after years of fighting with state bu- reaucrats for funds, at the height of the dot-com boom Charlie

jumped at the chance of returning to the corporate world and

becoming a high-paid consultant. He was 50 excited that he took

a three-month leave of absence and rented an office near his

home, figuring that he could ease into the new position and start

consulting with clients while running the search for his perma-

nent replacement at the nonprofit. Ten weeks into the arrange-

Control Yourself 21

ment, Charlie realized he had made a huge mistake. He hated not

running his own show and he didn't like working solo, without

the hum of an office buzzing around him. Furthermore, traveling

and being away from his family for four and five days at a time

made him depressed. Suddenly, the nonprofit job was looking a

whole lot better than it had a few months ago when he had jumped into the new position.

As Charlie's story suggests, avoiding risk isn't necessarily a bad

habit that you need to stop, nor is being risk friendly automati-

cally a good quality. What everyone does need to do, however, is

to become more self-aware about his own level of risk tolerance

so he is better prepared for change. For example, another client

who worked in corporate America, Clarissa, came to me feeling like her job wasn't the best fit for her freethinking spirit. She was considering starting her own business. I asked her to conduct a risk assessment using the follov.>ing:

• Assess your level of comfort with risk in general.

• ldentify the pros and cons of the particular risk.

• Consider what your gut is telling you and determine

,vhether it's a valid concern that requires more investigating.

• If you decide to take the risk, develop a strategy for

sustaining yourself during the transition. Having a strategy

helps risk-averse people feel less anxious and encourages

risk-friend.ly types to be more methodical about their

decision in order to avoid impulsivity.

• Once you've made the decision to take a risk, line up the

people and resources you'll need to be successful.

22 THE HARD TRUTH ABOUT SOFT SKILLS

• Prepare some "what if" alternatives in case your plans don't

workout.

Clarissa came back admitting that while she wanted to be an entrepreneur, she was unwilling co forgo having a steady income

ac the present rime. Alrhough it was going co rake $75,000 co

laun<;h the business, she decided thac $25,000 was rhe most she

fdt comfortable borrowing. Given all of chis data, she decided to

keep her current job and start he r business on the side, or as she said, "put my roes in the water, then jump in if everyrhing works

our." After cwo years, the new busi ness was doing great and it was time ro make che plunge. She quit her job and became a full-rime enuepreneur.

Risk caking isn't just about d eciding whether co leap from one

job or career co rhe nexr. It shows up throughout our work lives. For example, Phillip, an executive for a clothi ng manufacturer,

was afraid of giving his opi nions in meetings. More often chan

not, the division head was condescending and dismissive abouc

anyone's input. Ironically, this company had just spent millions of dollars crying co change its corporate culture into a kinder,

gender, more communicative one. Believe me, che irony of chis

was not lose on anyone attending chose meedngs. So, fearful of being put down in front of ilie g ro up, Phillip continued to re-

treat. As h e remarked in a coaching session, "Peggy, I'm not will- ing co speak up and be knocked down o r humili ated." Bue there

was a big problem with Phillip's approach. By noc speaking up, bis leadership skills had become in visible. I pointed out co him that he was stuck in "either-or" chinking- that is, he would either

be shut up or shoe down. Instead, he needed co be proactive and

ancicipace Mr. Dismissive's rema rks ahead of rime. I suggested to Phillip char he preface his comments ac the meedng with some-

thing alo ng these lines: "J know chis is a d ifficult subject, but I

Control Yourself 23

would be do ing you and the gro up a disservice if l didn't bring this up." Or "In light of what we've all been learning in our train-

ing about valuing everyone's input, here are my ov.n thoughts on

how to app roach the issue." After that, if Mr. Dismissive still had

the audacity to shoot down the input, he would be ilie only h u-

miliated person in the room.

GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY.

Lase fall I called a senior Wall Street investment banker at home on a weekend. During the time I had worked with her, we

became good friends and I had gotten to know her family as a

result.. So when her nine-year-old son answered the phone, I

asked him how things were go ing at school. He hemmed and hawed, then finally told me that he was disappointed with him-

self for backing out of running for student council ac his school, which w as attended by students from kindergarten through sixth grade. I asked him wh}' he didn't run, and he answered, "I didn't

think they would ever pick a fo urth grader. " But it turned out

they h ad. The only two classmates who had applied, Malcolm and Emma, were also in the fourth grade, and they had both been

asked to serve. In the background, I heard his mother say with exasperation, "Peggy, I told him just like I tell my group at woi:k: You need to stop making excuses and ger out of your own way."

Funny how fro m fourth-grade studen t council to che grown-up

corporate world, some habirs die hard. Her comment cook me

r ight back co coun tless situations I've o bserved over the years, in- cluding a facilitation session that I led with m embers of her team a year ago.

Me to junior banker: So, what would you Llke your boss [seared in room) to do ?

24 THE HARD TRUTH ABOUT SOFT SKILLS

Junior banker turning to his boss: Jackie, I would like you to think of me as a senior banker.

Me to junior banker: I need you to be specific here so 1 can understand what you mean by that.

Junior banker: Um-m-m, I want her to respect me as a peer. Me to junior banker: Yes, bm what does that mean? W'hat

would it look like if she did respect you as a peer? Junior banker (growing more frustrated): Well, I think she

should think of me when new- business comes to our group.

Me to junior banker: I don't know what you mean when you say you want her to think of you for new business. Please tell her exaci:ly what you want her to do.

Junior banker, nearly at wits' end, turns to his boss and blurts out: I want you to give me five of your biggest ac- counts.